


A (Not So) Brief Lesson in Trans-Dimensional Etiquette

by ribbontype



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alphabeta Soup, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Alternate Universe - Post Sburb, Ambiguous Alternate Universe Blending, Coming of Age, Developing Friendship, Gen, Multi, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-24
Updated: 2015-11-02
Packaged: 2017-12-24 08:04:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 42,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/937573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ribbontype/pseuds/ribbontype
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's April when Jade builds her machine and they start talking to the kids in the other universe. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>A story about friendship and family, told in pesterlogs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. April 13, 2010

A (Not So) Brief Lesson in Trans-Dimensional Etiquette

\-- golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] \--

GT: Hello jane!  
GT: Happy birthday and all that.  
GT: I do hope that your special day has been the cats meow so far.  
GT: The bees knees as it were.  
GT: You deserve it after all!  
GG: Hey, Jake!  
GG: Thanks for the well wishes.  
GG: Everything’s been great so far!  
GT: Excellent!  
GT: Whats our birthday gal been up to then?  
GG: Well, my Dad and I baked my birthday cake together, so that was fun.  
GG: I really like baking with him.  
GG: He also gave me a trenchcoat. It’s pretty gosh darn awesome!  
GT: Sounds like youre one step closer to being an excellent detective.  
GT: Tracking down the ragamuffin crooks that besmirch the citys good name.  
GG: You’ve got that right, buster! :B  
GG: Those pesky criminals won’t know what hit them!  
GG: So what have you been up to, Mr. Adventurer?  
GT: Youve certainly hit the nail on the head there ms crocker.  
GT: Ive been adventuring!  
GT: The islands fairly large and ive only seen s  
GT: Huh.  
GG: What?  
GT: What the devilfucking dickens is that?  
GG: Whaaaat!!  
GT: Theres a rightly bizarre sort of robotic doohickey floating around me!  
GT: Just came right out of nowhere with a bit of green light and now its hovering around me like some sort of poor lost pooch.  
GG: Is it one of your grandma’s inventions, maybe?  
GT: Most definitely not.  
GT: That is a fact that i am one hundred per cent sure of!  
GG: Hmm.  
GG: Sounds like you need to check it out, Jake!

==>

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--

GT: is it working???  
GG: yeah!!! i just sent it through like two seconds ago omg im so excited john!  
GT: me too!!  
GT: wow, i can’t believe that we’re going to see what life is like in a whole other dimension.  
GG: it’s a breakthrough for sure!  
GG: so the probe is designed to locate the nearest major form of life and do a full scan of it, so we know just what kind of life were dealing with.  
GG: who knows, we could even discover non carbon based life!  
GT: or maybe it’s like a weird alternate reality of earth where things are pretty much almost the same but kind of different.  
GT: that would be totally sweet.  
GG: totally!!  
GG: woah!  
GT: what!  
GT: did you find something??  
GT: jade. jade tell me  
GG: weve found something!!  
GG: :O :O :O :O :O  
GG: that was really fast. and surprising  
GT: jade explain those shocked smileys immediately.  
GG: theres life!  
GG: big life  
GG: carbon based unfortunately, but i mean that itself isnt surprising  
GG: what is surprising is that its human life  
GT: woah! no way dude!  
GT: does this mean i was right about the whole weird alternate earth thing??  
GT: because if i was CALLED IT ahaha.  
GT: you’re bearing witness to this so rose and dave will have evidence that i totally called it.  
GG: okay fine ill be your witness but this doesnt mean that your theory was right, john  
GG: i mean scientifically that doesnt make much sense at all  
GG: but then again, theres been barely any research in the field of transdimensional evolutionary and historical divergence!  
GG: and by barely any i mean none  
GG: aside from multiverse theory that is but we arent dealing with the assumption of time travel here that just makes things way too complicated :P  
GG: so suck on that nobel prize committee!!  
GT: haha, yeah!  
GT: that nobel prize is practically yours already.  
GT: you are the nobel prize winner, its you.  
GG: but then, the nobel committee comes for a little one on one  
GT: it turns out to be CRAZY what kind of experiments these guys have  
GG: im telling you, hypotheses like those are unreal, it doesnt even formulate!!!  
GG: lol!  
GG: okay lets stop messing around for a minute its serious science time o clock!!!  
GT: heck yeah it is!  
GT: so what are you gonna do?  
GT: are you gonna try and contact the other dimension human person thing?  
GG: duh!!!  
GG: no im just not gonna talk to him :P  
GG: just waiting for the scan to finish is all  
GT: ugh how long is that gonna take.  
GT: like, a few minutes?  
GT: a few minutes, right?  
GG: yes john its only going to take a few minutes  
GG: you are so impatient!!!!?  
GT: well you’re freakishly patient for someone who’s waiting to talk to someone from another dimension!  
GG: science requires patience!!  
GG: you cant rush the advancement of human understanding?  
GT: oh man this is just gonna be so COOL though.  
GT: i’m totally holding you up to that birthday promise, though.  
GT: any neat discoveries get named after your truly.  
GG: well of course im gonna keep my promise!!!!  
GG: youre the birthday boy after all!  
GG: picture it now, john  
GG: jade harley youngest person ever to win nobel prize in physics  
GG: for her work on the discovery of the egbertian multidimension void boundary theory?  
GT: that’s so rad.  
GG: the scan’s done!!!!!  
GG: are you ready for first contact?!???  
GT: i am more ready for this than anything i have ever been ready for, jade. 

==>

\-- golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--

GT: Strider!  
GT: Is this confounded mechanical insect your doing?  
TT: Considering I’ve never made any insectoid robots, nor have I sent any such hypothetical robugs to your location, I’m going to have to assume no. However, my curiosity has been piqued.  
TT: Elaborate?  
GT: There i was minding my own business in my room after a chipper morning of plundering and desecrating the local ruins.  
TT: Of course.  
TT: It’s only proper to pay your daily disrespect to the undoubtedly ancient and unique hieroglyphic inscriptions.  
GT: Yes exactly!  
GT: So there i was and then poof!  
GT: A flash of green light and then comes this little buggy-looking robot.  
GT: Its been flying around me for the past couple of minutes and i think its scanning me or something.  
TT: The green light makes it sound like it could be Gcat’s doing.  
TT: You know how unpredictable that feisty feline can get.  
GT: See jane said the same thing when I was talking to her but it didnt really look like gcats teleportation nonsense.  
GT: It didnt quite have the feline essence to it if you know what i mean.  
TT: I have no idea how ‘feline essence’ would be conveyed by green light of any sort. Are you absolutely sure that it wasn't him?  
GT: As sure as sugar!  
GT: Im quite certain that this came from somewhere else.  
GT: Dirk you dont think it was aliens do you?  
GT: Oh fiddlesticks!  
GT: What if the robot bug was a probe sent by alien life forms to discover mankinds biggest weakness?  
TT: That seems rather unlikely, but I suppose we can’t rule it out.  
TT: Who knows, bro, the alien armada could be organizing itself barely thousands of miles away from Earth’s stratosphere as we speak.  
TT: They’d probably have superior weapons and military tactic, along with a deep, burning desire to slay and conquer.  
TT: The human race would be mere ants under their big, black boots.  
TT: We’d have to hide on your island, nowhere else would be safe.  
TT: As numbers dwindled, we would even have to consider the future of our species.  
TT: We might even have to start repopulating, Jake.  
TT: If it comes down to that, I want you to know I’m here for you, bro.  
GT: I sure hope it doesnt come down to that!  
GT: I think that theres a chance that someone nice sent this bug.  
GT: Id like to think that even if it was aliens maybe theyd be interested in a good chat before they decide whether or not to purge the galaxy of the inferior races.  
GT: Oh its doing something!  
GT: How nifty.  
TT: What’s it doing?  
GT: A holographic display and a keyboard just popped out!  
GT: Goodness, it seems like someones trying to have a chat.  
GT: This seems important i believe i should answer.  
TT: Jake, wait a moment.

\-- golgothasTerror[GT] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--

TT: We can trace the signal if you just-  
TT: And, you’re gone.  
TT: Alright then, nevermind.  
TT: That’s cool too I guess, just take a running start right towards that hurdle, bro.  
TT: Get back to me when you’re done there, okay?

==>

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--

TG: so hows the sciencey stuff going  
TG: john said you found humans in another dimension thats like, similar to earth but just slightly different  
TG: is that a thing that actually happens in real life?  
GG: john is a very silly boy and should maybe stop spreading his silly theories around even if they still have the potential to be true!!!!  
TG: no to the other dimension humans then huh  
GG: actually yes to the other dimension humans!!  
GG: it turns out that in the dimension that lies paradoxically closest to ours in the void there are human beings who have identical structures to humans in this dimension!!!  
GG: . . . or theres at least one! lol  
GG: cool huh??  
TG: that shits like an iceberg, harley  
TG: and not just any old iceberg  
TG: the iciest sucker in the deep blue sue  
TG: like that one that sunk the titanic  
TG: only here the titanic is the common belief that our universe is the extent of physical reality  
TG: and the ss completely wrong idea crashed right into you  
TG: really slowly  
TG: tearing a hole in its hull and thousands of scientists drowned and died  
GG: i feel bad about drowning all those scientists :P  
GG: but whatever!! it’s their fault for not figuring it out before me  
TG: damn straight harley you tell those blue haired geezers in their stained, raggedy labcoats  
TG: you might even kill em  
TG: theyll die of sheer embarrassment in their frail and weakened state before they even get the chance to metaphorically drown and or freeze to death  
TG: so what now  
GG: i’ve got to try and communicate with the human now!  
GG: i’ve just had the probe open up a textual communication terminal with the other universe  
GG: just waiting for some sort of response :D  
TG: so bascially youre just chatting up this guy  
TG: ‘hey so youre like from another dimension right?’  
TG: ‘asl?’  
GG: exactly only im not trying to have cybersex with them!  
TG: are you sure  
TG: because i think that this could be a really great opportunity for you jade  
GG: i think im a little bit too young to have cybersex with anyone . . .  
TG: youre pioneering transdimensional communication if youre not too young for that then i think that you are at least mentally old enough to chat about yiffing with sweaty strangers  
GG: . . . ew  
GG: :O gasp!!!!  
TG: what  
GG: sorry, dave, the yiffing has to be put on hold!  
GG: theyre chatting me back!!!

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased persting turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TG: so wait the yiffing happens later though  
TG: and shes gone  
TG: oh come on jade i had another yiff joke  
TG: theres not gonna be enough context when we chat again  
TG: whatever, just like hit me up when you’re done with that, yeah?

==>

[COMMUNICATION LOG: αB2-βB1]

B1: Hello!  
B1: Is there anyone there?  
B2: Hello!  
B2: Im here.  
B2: Did you send me this little buggy automaton?  
B1: Yes that was my probe!!  
B1: I’m glad it got there okay I was sort of worried!  
B2: Well the thing appears to be functional, although im not quite sure what its function is.  
B2: I suppose I should introduce myself?  
B2: My names jake.  
B1: You can call me Doctor Harley!  
B1: It is really great to meet you Jake.  
B1: Oh my gosh I am too excited I keep typing things wrong and then I have to retype them because typos and bad grammar don’t really make a good first impression.  
B2: Its nice to meet you too, doc.  
B2: Can i call you doc?  
B1: Sounds good to me :)  
B2: Hmm.  
B1: Hmm?  
B2: I thought your probe here was the result of some extraterrestrial tomfoolery!  
B2: But i have to admit your darling little smiley face just there doesnt seem much like the work of a threatening potential alien invader.  
B1: Oh, I’m not an alien!  
B1: Unless of course you’re not human.  
B1: But the scan from my probe said you definitely were!!!  
B1: I’m from another universe!  
B1: An alternate dimension pretty much.  
B2: Wow, really?  
B2: Thats just swell.  
B2: Im quite surprised that alternate dimension exist, though!  
B2: Its gobsmacking to think that whole other universes lie just beyond ours  
B2: If that is indeed what youre implying there doc.  
B2: Makes a man feel humble, you know?  
B1: I sure do!  
B1: So hey, Jake.  
B2: Yes?  
B1: Do you think you could do me a favor?  
B2: Why of course!  
B2: Anything for the charming interdimensional doctor harley.  
B1: He he!  
B1: Well I just want to ask you some questions about your universe and stuff so I can compare things.  
B1: Like, not as a formal sciency thing, just as a conversation!  
B1: Because let me tell you typing like this is starting to get annoying.  
B2: That sounds lovely.  
B2: But isnt that just fairly similar to what were doing now?  
B1: Yes, it is, and we could totally just keep talking through the probe  
B1: I just want to set up a stable and more permanent connection relay through our universe.  
B2: Righto!  
B2: How should we go about doing that then?  
B1: See the small black knob on the bug’s stomach?  
B1: I want you to push that in and turn it to the ‘RELAY’ setting.  
B1: Then set it down somewhere safe and let it do its thing!  
B1: Oh and could you also check the power meter that’s down there too?  
B1: The probe runs on uranium so it should be good for awhile, but I’m not sure how much energy it loses in the jump between universes.  
B2: Done and done, doc.  
B2: Power level is pretty good.  
B2: And it looks like the bug is sending out a signal, my computers have picked up a new network.  
B2: What next?  
B1: okay so just connect any of your computers to the network  
B1: and this may be kind of a weird question, but do you have pesterchum?  
B2: Affirmative!  
B2: I suppose you can check that off as one of the shared traits between the universes we inhabit.  
B1: okay awesome!! :D  
B1: im gardengnostic  
B1: just add me and we can chat there 

[COMMUNICATION LINK αB2-βB1 TERMINATED]

==>

\-- golgothasTerror [GT]  sent a chum request to gardenGnostic [GG] \-- 

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] accepted a chum request from golgothasTerror [GT] \--

\-- golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \-- 

GT: Hello there doc!  
GG: hey there jake!!  
GG: good to see that everything is working :)  
GT: Everything is shipshape and bristol fashion!  
GT: So miss what would you like to ask me?  
GT: Oh, er, of course that is assuming you are a lady.  
GT: Pardon if im incorrect but your manner of speaking seemed very feminine to me?  
GT: Oh dear if youre not a girl im going to feel a bit daft here  
GG: lol don't worry jake  
GG: im a girl  
GG: as for what i want to ask you, first could you tell me your location?  
GT: Right now I’m in my bedroom in my home, which resides on the side of a volcano in a nearly deserted island in the pacific.  
GT: Its about 50 miles north of winslow reef.  
GG: :O  
GG: interesting!  
GG: it seems that physical locations are consistent between our two universes so far  
GG: gosh, i just have so many questions!  
GG: why don't you just tell me about your life and if i think of any questions, ill ask them?  
GT: Keen!  
GT: Well, i live on this island . . .  
GT: With my grandmother  
GT: She runs a company called skaianet.  
GT: There are some neat ruins here i like to explore, but most of the time i just sort of hang out and talk to my three dearest friends or watch some movies.  
GT: Sometimes i do both at the same time!  
GT: When we can coordinate our timezones right we stream movies sometimes.  
GG: one second, jake!  
GG: skaianet, you say?  
GG: okay what does skaianet do  
GT: Skaianet develops cutting edge technology for the good people of the world!  
GT: Do you have skaianet in your universe?  
GG: yeah, but thats the funny thing  
GG: in my universe skaianet is owned by my family  
GG: it was founded by my grandfather but i am taking over the business now that hes passed away :(  
GG: i miss him sometimes he pretty much raised me  
GT: Oh dear!  
GT: My condolences doc.  
GT: My grandma raised me too  
GT: She founded skaianet over on our side!  
GT: What a bizarre coincidence.  
GG: ill have to get a bit more info but that doesnt seem like a coincidence to me  
GG: keep talking!  
GT: Very well then!  
GT: So like i said i have the friends of mine.  
GT: Theres dear roxy who lives up in new york.  
GT: Shes a real smart and sassy gal, that roxy.  
GT: Great with computers and the like!  
GT: Then there’s my best bro dirk, who is also quite intelligent, although usually less sassy.  
GT: I suppose hes more on the snarky side of things.  
GT: Now hes an interesting fella, with his confounded veil of insincere converse and threatening robots and general texan attitude.  
GT: And then of course theres jane!  
GT: Shes a real sweetheart.  
GG: okay another weird question but where does your friend jane live?  
GT: She lives up in washington.  
GT: Why do you ask?  
GG: my friends  
GG: well . . . uh, colleagues, live in new york, texas, and washington too!  
GG: wow this other dimension thing is really freaky :D  
GT: Blimey!  
GT: This whole occurrence is a bit around the bend.  
GT: Speaking of friends, one of my other pals is contacting me right now.  
GT: Maybe I could find a way to relay your signal out to them so we could all chat with each other?  
GG: yeah cool!!  
GG: I can send a few more probes without all the scanning stuff and just the signal beacon, and you can distribute them to your friends if that works for you  
GT: Nifty!  
GT: Send them on over, then.  
GG: it should take a few minutes you can go answer your friend in the meantime  
GT: Alright, talk to you later then doc. 

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT] \--

==>

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] \--

TG: jaaakkkeee  
TG: jaaeekkee  
TG: jake jake jake whats this i hear about you and robot insetcs  
TG: word on the blogspohsphere is that our very own jake english is establishing contact with ALIENS  
TG: i dont acutally have a blog jake i heard all of that junk form distri  
TG: sooooooo?  
TG: oh cmon jake answer me already  
TG: i know u have liek 3 computers on you literally ALWAYS  
TG: and that youre a busy guy but this is just cray cray redondculous  
TG: le sign  
TG: tlakin 2 a brick wall  
GT: Hold your horses a moment lalonde!  
GT: I was just finishing up a conversation with a new acquaintance who is most certainly not an alien.  
GT: It seems that some feisty doctor lass from another dimension has seen fit to try and contact our universe!  
TG: woaha really?  
TG: fukcing ASWOME  
TG: whats the deal w that yo?  
GT: Well, the good doc harley sent a strange sort of probe into my bedroom and opened up communications through it.  
GT: Then she just asked me to tell her about my life, and so i told her about where i live and about you all and whatnot.  
TG: jakey  
TG: i loev u like a brother but basically wut ur tellin me here is that u just straigt up told a stranger where you live after like 2 seconds of convo with the person?  
TG: how do u know this harley guy isnt lying to you  
GT: Like i said, doctor harley was a woman.  
GT: And i cant be certain but i just have a very good feeling.  
GT: See for yourself!  
GT: Harley said she was going to send me some devices that could relay an internet signal between our universes, and that i could send them to you so we could all become friends and the like.  
TG: okaey im still not sure that this is a good idead jakey  
TG: and im not rlly sure that i want u sendin me none of her freaky tehcnology or whatev  
TG: this could be some nasty biz here  
TG: maybe its sum no good crockercorp goon sent for messins w your gmas company?  
GT: I seriously doubt mr. crocker would let something like that happen!  
GT: I know that skaianet and crockercorp arent exactly in cahoots but id like to think that theyve gotten over their past differences.  
TG: mmkay just  
TG: consider that posibibleties in the meantime  
GT: Will you at least give this a try?  
GT: Whats the worst that could happen!  
TG: well now that uve said that rite there  
TG: probs sumthin REALLY AWFUL  
TG: but i guess hey  
TG: yolo  
TG: only not really bcuz that sayin is even tooo shitty jsut for fun, u no?  
GT: Sweet!  
GT: Oh, looks like they’re here now.  
GT: Im gonna send them out to you guys.  
GT: Ill talk to you a bit later, alright?  
TG: k  
TG: catch ya on da flipside eonglish

\-- golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] \-- 

==>

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \-- 

TT: So, I’ve heard that your scientific endeavor has been on the successful side of things?  
GG: yeah!!  
GG: its all been working really well so far i met a guy named jake from another dimension  
TT: Jake wouldn’t have been my first choice if I were trying to guess the name of a man from beyond the infinite span of our own universe, but I suppose there’s a Bob for every Aerith.  
GG: lol!  
GG: guess what though  
GG: it turns out that the other dimension is really really similar to ours!  
TT: Damn.  
TT: I think I owe John money now.  
TT: Similar in what ways, though? Biologically? Geographically?  
GG: physical and political locations seem to correspond!  
GG: as does the general anatomy of a human being  
GG: so thats a pretty good sign :B  
GG: so hey anyway how would you like to be able to talk to someone from another universe?  
TT: That sounds like something I would be interested to partake in.  
TT: I wasn’t acutely aware of it until now but transdimensional communication is something that interests me greatly.  
GG: awesome!! :D  
GG: so im gonna have bec send you a signal beacon so were on the same network as the other dimension guys.  
TT: “Guys”?  
TT: I was under the impression that you’d only successfully communicated with that Jake character.  
GG: well, i have, but jake is gonna introduce me to some of his friends so i can do some research!  
TT: Yes, I’m quite positive that you’ll be doing plenty of research.  
TT: I may partake merely sparsely in the hard sciences myself, but I hope that you can accept the compliments I pay to your method.  
TT: Obviously, the most effective way to gather data on the conditions of alternate universes relative to ours is to pick one universe and use convoluted omnipotent dogmagic to contact a select handful of people whom, to our knowledge have no credentials.  
TT: Then introduce said people to your own group of friends, who would also fall into the category of having no scientific credentials.  
TT: This is obviously the best way to research a scientific phenomena and I commend you, Jade.  
GG: okay okay youve got me rose!!!!  
GG: gosh darn it  
GG: okay fine maybe i want to be friends with the other dimension people too  
GG: but come on that would be really cool!  
GG: and besides, i am totally going to do some incredibly detailed research really soon okay??  
TT: I trust you.  
TT: Science is, after all, you forte.  
GG: okay good because i kinda have one more thing to mention  
TT: Hmm.  
GG: dont hmm at me in that tone ms doubtypants!!  
TT: No tone intended, I promise.  
GG: i maaaaayyy or may not have told jake that i was a doctor  
TT: Hmm.  
GG: stop!!  
GG: stop it!  
GG: there was definitely tone there don't try and deny it :B  
TT: Yes, there was, but it was merely mild amusement as opposed to anything judgemental.  
TT: Is it safe to assume that you claimed such an outlandish title in order to appear a bit more professional to our transdimentional acquaintances.  
GG: bingo  
GG: i wasnt sure that theyd be willing to talk to me if i told them i was just a kid  
GG: i mean the kind of science im doing is kind of far fetched even for the best nuclear scientists in the world!!  
TT: Obviously it isn’t.  
TT: I would put you at that top of that category, and you seem to be managing just fine.  
GG: omg awwww  
GG: <3  
TT: <3  
TT: So, about these alternate universe people.  
TT: What do you know about them?  
GG: well . . . not a lot!  
GG: theres jake and he lives on his universes version of my island  
GG: and he has friends named jane and roxy and dirk  
GG: and his grandpa owns a company called skaianet  
GG: and his friends live in washington and new york and texas  
GG: . . . weird, huh?  
TT: That plunges right past weird into the black and twisted heart of the uncanny valley itself.  
GG: so now you see why we just have to be their friends  
TT: Most certainly.  
TT: Consider me on board with this whole debacle.  
GG: yay!  
GG: you can be first mate on the s.s other dimension friendship party  
TT: I will bear this burden of responsibility with grace and honor.  
TT: I can only assume that makes John and Dave my inferiors.  
TT: I intend to only use my power over them to fuck with them a little bit.  
GG: thats the spirit rose!  
GG: will you tell john and dave what the deal is?  
GG: i gotta work on finishing the beacons for you and john and dave, ive already sent the ones to jake :B  
TT: Aye aye, Captain Harley.  
TT: Consider it done.  
GG: thanks rose! <3  
TT: <3

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

==>

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] \-- 

TG: jannnnnneeeeeyyyy  
TG: happy birthday gurl  
TG: again  
TG: i mean its not like its ur bday again im just sayin it again because you desreve it   
GG: Aww, why thank you Roxy.  
GG: You don’t have to say it anymore though, I think the sentiments have gotten across!  
TG: cool cool  
TG: so anyway  
TG: u hear about whats happening w jake?  
TG: or more accuratelly  
TG: wat jake is draggin the resta us into   
GG: No, I hadn’t heard!  
GG: Last thing I heard from Jake there was some sort of strange device in his bedroom.  
GG: I told him to go investigate! :B  
TG: of course u did   
GG: Well, you just can’t leave that sort of mystery unsolved, its unprofessional.  
TG: danm STRAIGHIT   
GG: Hoo hoo hoo!  
GG: The Jake thing doesn’t have anything to do with that, does it?  
TG: ill give you a hint:  
TG: yes  
TG: i thikn this cloud either end up bein SUPER NEATO or liek  
TG: kind of weird and horrible   
GG: Darn it, Roxy!  
GG: You’ve got me on the edge of my seat.  
GG: Alright, spill it, buster.  
GG: What’s Jake getting us into?  
TG: k so bascially  
TG: sum weir dbuggy sort of robots like  
TG: staright up poofs into jakes bedroom and it establishes some sort o fcommunicaiton line  
TG: and he has a conversation with a doctor lady who claim sto be frmo a nother universe  
TG: but idk that seems p shifty to me  
TG: anyway hes gonna send us some sciency doohikceys that are gonna make some sort of internet conntection between the 2 universes  
TG: so we can all b buddy buddy u know?   
GG: Well, the boy certainly has an active imagination, I’ll give him that!  
GG: But that all sounds really implausible.  
GG: Other universes?  
GG: What sort of proof does he have?  
GG: Frankly, I’m not too sure that this isn’t some sort of convoluted assassination plot.  
GG: I mean, Skaianet is almost as powerful as Crockercorp.  
GG: Almost.  
TG: yeah i think we should try to be carefu lwith this   
GG: Oh!  
TG: waht???   
GG: Something just popped into my room.  
GG: It’s probably the device Jake is sending.  
TG: ooh! theres mine too  
TG: u think distri got his?  
TG: ill check w him in a few  
TG: okay but  
TG: serious convo time  
TG: should we use these?   
GG: Hmm.  
GG: I think we should have Jake check these out with his Grandma first.  
GG: She would definitely know whether or not they’re safe!  
GG: Or maybe Dirk, he’s fairly handy with gadgetry.  
GG: It’s too bad this isn’t software, or you could just take a look at it yourself.  
TG: yeah and instea dwe just gotta wait for our filghty guypals to do stuff  
TG: lame   
GG: Utterly!  
GG: The thing I find interesting though is that mine has the Skainet logo engraved on it.  
TG: what wheere   
GG: Right on the bottom end, where the cylinder sort of thins out.  
TG: o i see it  
TG: woah thats bizzare  
TG: hmm  
TG: hey distris pesterin me he got one of these things too  
TG: im gonna hit him up real quick see what the dealielo is   
GG: Alright, get back to me soon!  
GG: I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to resist the temptation. :B  
GG: That red button is more than a little bit tempting.  
TG: omg RITE?  
TG: ttyl asap k?   
GG: Okay!  
GG: But could you at least try to use one actual word per sentence?  
TG: no time!!!   
\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] \--

==>

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT]began pestering ghostyTrickster[GT] \--

TT: So, dear friend, are you ready to embark on the textual journey of a lifetime?  
GT: hahaha, probably!  
GT: what’s going on, is this about jade’s thing?  
TT: Yes. Despite all historical and scientific pretense, it seems like you might have been right with your completely fabricated theory of an earth that is borderline parallel to ours, with minor differences.  
GT: hehehehehehehehehehe.  
GT: that means you’ve gotta pay up rose!  
GT: i TOLD YOU bro.  
TT: Of course. I fully intend to pay.  
TT: Expect a large crate containing roughly two dozen mason jars full of pennies shipped to your place of residence in the foreseeable future.  
GT: :(  
TT: :)  
GT: :)  
TT: Anyway, as first mate on Captain Harley’s S.S Scientific Discovery, my duties include filling my inferiors (read: you and Dave) in on the events that involve you.  
TT: Jade’s having Bec send us all some interdimensional beacons that will stabilize internet connection between our universe, and the universe she discovered today.  
GT: we’re gonna get to talk to people from another universe!?  
GT: oh man.  
GT: SO.  
GT: COOL.  
TT: The coolest.  
GT: cooler than cool.  
TT: Despicably frigid.  
GT: oh i think i just got mine!  
TT: Me too.  
TT: We should probably have some sort of a plan before we go into this, though.  
TT: Jade’s already claimed the be a grown up doctor of sorts, in a slightly misguided attempt to make herself look more credible.  
TT: Frankly, I don’t think she needs any more credentials than what she’s already accomplished, but I can understand her slight wariness of being talked down to.  
TT: Besides, who can honestly say that they haven’t pretended to be a different person on the internet?  
GT: nobody, thats who.  
GT: so maybe you should go tell dave what’s happening, and i guess i can ask jade what the plan is?  
TT: Sounds good.  
TT: Keep up the good work and maybe you’ll be promoted to working on the upper deck of our metaphorical science vessel.  
GT: gosh, you really think so?  
TT: I’m sure of it.  
GT: hehe, okay, bye rose!  
TT: Goodbye, John.

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \-- 

==>

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] \--

TT: Roxy.  
TG: yooooo  
TG: wat up  
TT: A metal cylinder appeared in my bedroom a few moments ago.  
TT: Jake says it’s from a human scientist who lives in a parallel universe.  
TT: Or at least, that’s what I was able to parse.  
TT: You know how disorienting Jake’s textual mannerisms can be even after a few years of knowing the dude.  
TT: All y’all ladies get these?  
TG: suuuure did  
TG: have u checked it ou?t  
TG: bc lemme tell u i rly want to press that bi gold red button on th e tip o that thing terhe  
TT: I’m taking a look at it now.  
TT: It’s got all of the characteristic of legitimate Skaianet tech, and I can’t detect any forgery.  
TT: It seems like it should be safe to operate.  
TT: Still, you should probably let me check it out first. No one else is really equip to deal with this thing going sour but me.  
TG: u see the thign about that is  
TG: u seeeeee  
TG: i am going to press that button  
TT: Roxy, no.  
TT: That’s a terrible idea.  
TG: yeah but  
TG: its big n red n shiny  
TG: and u said it was legit  
TT: I said it looked legitimate.  
TT: If this whole ‘alternate dimension scientist’ thing is some sort of plot - which, let’s be real, it is almost %100 guaranteed to be - then it’s a rather complicated one.  
TT: Do you honestly think whoever is attempting to pull this off couldn’t whip themselves up a decent fake?  
TT: Do me a favor and please think about things before you do them.  
TT: At least just a little bit.  
TG: *boop*  
TT: . . .  
TT: That was the sound of you just pressing that button, wasn’t it?  
TG: lmao yeah.  
TT: Well.  
TT: What’s happening?  
TG: a lil  
TG: antenn a thingee popped rigt outta that other end an d now im heairin a funky lil pingy noise  
TG: ooo looks like my lapotp is picking up a new sginal  
TG: im gonna connect to it  
TT: That’s a bad idea.  
TG: done!!  
TT: Why do I even bother talking.  
TG: cuz u like the way the giant ass wall a orangey word slook  
TG: lmao  
TG: somebodys sendin me a chum req brb!  
TG: gardengnostic??  
TT: Sigh.

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering timaeustestified [TT] \--

==>

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TT: Dave.  
TG: thats me  
TT: Simply shocking.  
TG: yeah  
TG: so whats up then  
TT: I have a feeling the rest of today is going to be very interesting.


	2. August 27th, 2010

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: a postgame tag has been added on to the story, but it's not going to play a huge part in the story at all. the plot does not change one bit.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] \--

TT: Hello, Jane.  
GG: Hello!  
GG: What brings you over to my neck of the woods today, Ms. TT?  
TT: The need for as straightforward a conversation is possible in our situation, with someone who has the necessary practicality to subjugate my meandering flights of fancy.  
TT: I can tell that you’re by far the most inclined to dispute any outlandish theories by providing concise answers to no more than a paltry assortment of questions.  
TT: So, can you help me?  
GG: Of course!  
GG: I’ll definitely try my best, but wouldn’t it be better to ask Dirk or Roxy about this sort of thing?  
GG: They’re more of the sciency types!  
TT: This conversation couldn’t be handled delicately with either of them.  
TT: Well, I suppose Roxy could provide a decent amount of insight, but for personal reasons I’ve chosen to avoid this topic of conversation with her.  
TT: Dirk is far too confrontational to interpret my musings as anything more as a challenge to his intellect.  
TT: Jake, though he may be a lovely individual, has a habit of taking any inklings with the slightest grain of truth to them and accepting them as unbiased fact at a mere suggestion.  
TT: Please don’t take this to mean that I come to you as a final resort.  
TT: These are simply the factors that attribute to your position as first choice.  
TT: With all that said, I suppose I should cut to the chase.  
GG: That’d be much obliged, thanks!  
TT: I apologize for my heavyhandedness.  
TT: I’ll try to make this as concise as possible.  
TT: I understand that you have your doubts about the nature of the relationship my party has established with yours.  
GG: Yes . . . I do :B  
GG: I mean, call me silly but people from another universe just seems a bit improbable!  
GG: You haven’t exactly managed to pony up any evidence, either, to be frank.  
TT: We’ve tried, but save for having a professional examining Dr. Harley’s work on your end, there’s no way to back up our claims.  
GG: It’s a shame that there’s no way to have the devices looked at without risking losing them.  
TT: Now, I simply ask you to maintain your suspension of disbelief while I extrapolate on our current situation.  
GG: Well, I can’t say I believe everything you and your colleagues have been saying, but I’m willing to hear you out!  
TT: That’s the spirit.  
TT: I trust that, until further notice, this conversation can remain between you and me.  
GG: Sure thing.  
TT: Excellent.  
TT: As has been discussed, the main difference between the parallel universes we inhabit appears to be the occupants.  
TT: Although I can’t even begin to fathom why this particular phenomena has occurred, I have my suspicions regarding the nature of this transdimensional incongruity.  
GG: So you think you know what’s different, but you don’t know why?  
TT: Yes, that’s how I’d put it.  
TT: I think, to make things clearer, I should formally introduce myself.  
GG: That’d be great! I feel a bit odd just calling you TT.  
GG: It’d be nice to have a name to put on you!  
TT: Well, then, allow me to reveal this.  
TT: It’s been nice to meet you, Jane.  
TT: My name is Rose Lalonde.

==>

TG: ok n so then dstri is just like  
TG: FREAKIN OUT u no??  
TG: like just strait up panickin lmao  
TG: well i mean he doesnt rly panic super obvious like a lotta ppl do  
TG: but u could tell i mean he defs thought his bro was gonna stabmurder him or something  
TG: and im like  
TG: dudeee  
TG: just put the bunny  
TG: back in the box  
TG: where u found it  
GT: roxy please tell me he put the bunny back in the box.  
TG: he did not put the bunny back in the box  
GT: D:.  
GT: oh no.  
GT: what became of the poor bunny!!!  
GT: D: D: D:  
TG: do not fear dr cage  
TG: the poor bunny was made into a super cool ROBO BUNNY after he got viciou sly pulndered from the museum  
TG: dstri is liek  
TG: crazy good w the robots  
GT: woah, really?  
GT: that’s AWESOME.  
GT: did his bro ever noticed that the bunny went missing, though?  
TG: ahh yes  
TG: a question fr the ages  
TG: sum say  
TG: maybe yes, he did kno  
TG: but decided 2 say nothing out of brotherly iron  
TG: others think that maybe  
TG: our charmin anime protag was able to slip under big bros radar good enuf 2 steal the bun w/o bein seen  
GT: wait why would he make the bunny into a robot though?  
GT: i mean.  
GT: that’s really cool but it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.  
GT: stealing a stuffed rabbit from his older brother just to turn it into a rabbit.  
TG: idk y he chose that particualr rabbit but  
TG: he made the robot bunny as a bday prezzie for jane!  
TG: u kno  
TG: to stop no good assassasins from gettin da jump on our own lil heiress  
TG: poor janey :(  
TG: it must be pretty jank to have ppl tryna kill u so much  
GT: yeah i bet.  
GT: poor jane.  
GT: :c.  
GT: i wish there was something i could do!  
TG: dont u worry your pretty lil head off matthew  
TG: our girls tougher than nails  
TG: and th robo bunny is one stone cold mother fuc ker trust me  
GT: okay.  
GT: i guess i dont really have a choice right now!  
GT: that was a pretty good story though.  
GT: i still don’t really understand why dirk would take the bunny though.  
GT: he seems kind of like a weird guy to me.  
GT: not like.  
GT: bad, weird.  
GT: like the kind of weird like that one kid in middle school who always sat in the back of the classroom and didn’t pay attention but always got the answer to the teacher’s question right anyway.  
GT: and like you definitely thought that is anyone was gonna be a murderer or be murdered it was that kid.  
GT: you know what i mean?  
GT: wow nevermind that didn’t come out right.  
TG: no lmao i think i know what u mean  
TG: yeah thats  
TG: thats dstri all right  
GT: haha!  
GT: enough about your friends though.  
GT: what kind of wacky misadventures have you gotten into!  
TG: ooooo man  
TG: i think i know the story 4 u  
TG: strap in dr matthew cage  
TG: this one is gonna b a DOOZY

==>

GG: What!!  
GG: Alright, you can’t seriously expect me to believe that, buster!  
GG: I know you’re just trying to play a joke on me, but that’s sort of in bad taste.  
TT: I assure you, no wool is being pulled over your eyes.  
TT: My name is Rose Lalonde.  
TT: I live here, in my house in New York.  
TT: A mansion on a river. It’s built over a waterfall.  
TT: I’ve never known my father, but my mother is an alcoholic scientist with an affinity for cats, astronomy, and video games.  
TT: Along with an insincere passion towards wizards.  
TT: Her name is Roxy.  
GG: I’m sorry, but you really can’t expect me to believe this.  
GG: I don’t WANT to mistrust you, TT, but you’re making it a bit hard not to!  
TT: I realize that.  
TT: However, this happens to be something I have the suitable resources to prove.  
TT: Here’s a photo of my mother and I from a a little bit less than a year ago.  
TT: About Christmastime.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] sent forjane.png --

GG: Oh shoot.  
GG: That’s.  
GG: I’m not even sure what to say about that.  
GG: It doesn’t look fake . . .  
GG: But there’s no way it could be real either!  
GG: And I thought you were an adult!  
GG: I’ve known Roxy for years now, and that’s definitely her.  
GG: But how?  
TT: Like I said, I can’t be certain about the origin of this inconsistency.  
TT: I’m just sure about one thing.  
TT: Your friend is my mother, and I am hers.  
GG: Alright.  
GG: I suppose at this point I really don’t have a choice but to believe you . . .  
GG: You’re really Roxy’s mom!?!  
TT: Well, from my perspective, she’s mine.  
TT: This appears to be how our universes diverge.  
TT: Whatever science fiction level bullshit is behind this ironic slice-of-life style plot twist is far beyond my capacity of understanding.  
TT: I’m sure you’ve felt it, Jane.  
TT: A certain familiarity in the conversations you’ve been having with me and my companions.  
TT: There’s an undeniable eeriness to it all.  
GG: Yes . . . Dirk and I have been talking about this.  
GG: How some of the conversations feel like talking to versions of each other in a funhouse mirror.  
GG: What does it mean, though?  
GG: This is so far out of my league.  
GG: I never really considered how much existed beyond my immediate frame of reference, but you’ve got me thinking now, Ms. Lalonde.  
TT: Please, call me Rose.  
GG: I’d tell you to call me Jane, but you already do!  
GG: Hoo hoo hoo!  
TT: Oh damn.  
TT: I hate to cut the conversation short but I’m getting a message from Jade and it seems important.  
GG: Wait!!  
GG: You can’t just drop this sort of thing on my lap and tell me not to tell anyone about it!!  
GG: I can’t resist such a good mystery.  
GG: Can’t I bring it up with somebody at all? :B  
TT: Hmm.  
TT: If you’re going to talk to anyone, talk to GT.  
GG: GT? What would ‘Doctor Matthew Cage’ know about all of this?  
GG: He doesn’t exactly seem like a scientist.  
GG: . . . And he definitely isn’t a scientist.  
GG: None of you are adults, are you?  
TT: No.  
GG: Then HOW?  
TT: Figure it out. You’re good at that.  
TT: Goodbye, for now.  
GG: Argh!

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] \--

GG: Flighty broad.  
GG: Gosh darn it!  
GG: It’s always the broads, Jane.  
GG: Always the broads. 

==>

TG: so mt foots totally stuck in there rite?  
TG: im FREAKIN OUT  
TG: the dogs havin a seizur  
TG: and i still got half a pie left  
GT: omg.  
GT: that was the best story i’ve ever heard.  
GT: i want my grandchildren to hear that story.  
TG: have no fear dr matt  
TG: i will maek sure that our grandkiddies hear the epic tale of rolals daring pie escape  
GT: what  
TG: what  
GT: our grandchildren?  
TG: OMGGGggggg gg talk about a slip  
TG: your*  
TG: janeys always gettin on my case abour my urs and my us and so i TRIED to just use some ‘proper gramer’ for once in my life  
TG: and i end up accidentally hittin on some dude from another universe who wont even tell me his real name  
TG: le sign  
GT: what?!?  
GT: what do you mean by that.  
TG: i mean thats the fakest soundin name i have ever heard yo  
TG: look me rite in the font and tell me thats ur real name  
GT: . . .  
GT: alright.  
GT: you’ve got me.  
GT: but if you know we’re lying to you about stuff, why do you still talk to us?  
GT: why do you believe that we’re from another universe.  
TG: well i mean u guys r fun to talk to and so far you aint really asked any questions that could cause us any harm  
TG: and as for the other universe thing  
TG: ive been pickin apart the software on ur ladyfriends little device  
TG: this is some serious ~ath witchcraft  
TG: i prolly couldnt have coded the damn thing myself but im good enough to know that it does what ur saying it does  
TG: didnt u say u were into programming?  
TG: any of this ur biz or is this all doc harls work?  
GT: hahaha . . .  
GT: i mean i LIKE programming.  
GT: but im not exactly GOOD at it.  
GT: jade really did all the work on them  
GT: oh SHIT i wasn’t supposed to say her first name.  
GT: crap crap crap.  
TG: jade . . .  
TG: hte plot thickens  
TG: i think  
TG: i thiiink  
TG: i am going to go tell dirk about what u have just said  
GT: aww come on, don’t be all like that!  
GT: she’ll feed me to her big scary monster dog!  
GT: well no she wouldn’t do that jade is too nice.  
GT: but still!!!!  
TG: monster dog u say?  
TG: perchance  
TG: perachnce a big wihte dog thats rly creepy  
GT: yeah exactly.  
TG: thickening . . .  
GT: what!!!  
TG: im beginning to think this whole thing mite b  
TG: some sort of joke of granny eonglishs  
GT: who?  
TG: u no damn well who buster  
GT: argh!!  
GT: youre just confusing me.  
GT: janes pestering me im gonna go talk to her.  
GT: i do not the patience for flighty broads.  
GT: or their spooky confusing words.  
GT: its always the broads.  
TG: were flighty  
TG: us broads  
GT: i’m probably just gonna end up talking to you later.  
TG: i kno  
TG: lmao  
TG: ok u and jane have fun now  
GT: haha, okay!  
GT: bye roxy!  
GT: (flighty broad!!)  
TG: (farkename mc liarpants)

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] has ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] \--

==>

\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] \--

GG: Hello, Dr Cage.  
GG: If that is your real name.  
GT: of course thats my real name!!  
GT: jeez everyone is on my case about that today.  
GG: I know that it isn’t your real name.  
GT: JEEZ.  
GG: JEEZ.  
GT: JEEEEEEEEEZ.  
GG: JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ.  
GG: Okay let's stop before we get too far with this.  
GT: JEEEEEEE  
GT: oh okay.  
GT: so what’s up!  
GG: I just talked to Rose is what’s up.  
GT: :O  
GT: :O :O :O  
GT: rose told you her name?  
GG: She sure did!  
GG: She was talking to me about a theory she had.  
GG: Was she telling you about this?  
GT: a little bit . . .  
GT: she said to me that she thinks she and roxy might be related in some way!  
GT: and maybe some of the rest of that are related too.  
GT: wouldn’t that be neat?  
GG: That’d be really neat!  
GG: Do you think you could do me a favor, and tell me your real name?  
GT: i guess so!  
GT: the jig is up. :(  
GG: Has it ever been anywhere but?  
GT: no.  
GT: sigh.  
GT: you have out gumshoed me.  
GT: you are far too gummy of a shoe to be fooled by my ruse.  
GG: The gummiest.  
GT: i’ll say!  
GT: it’s kind of funny though.  
GT: jane was my nannas name.  
GT: you remind me of her.  
GT: anyway.  
GT: my name is john!!  
GG: Oh shoot.  
GG: I was afraid you’d say that.  
GT: huh?  
GT: why?  
GG: My poppop  
GG: His name was John.  
GT: woah!  
GT: that is some serious freaky stuff happening right there.  
GG: Alright, either someone had the patience to do a lot of research and set up an incredibly accurate practical joke . . .  
GG: Or we really have stumbled upon something that’s beyond our capacity of reasoning.  
GG: Frankly, I’m still not sure that you and your friends aren’t trying to get the jump on me.  
GG: I’m not really sure what you’re actually trying to accomplish though, because you haven’t really done anything but talk to us. :B  
GG: Oh gosh, this is all so confusing!  
GT: yeah wow it really is.  
GT: so uh . . .  
GT: what do we do.  
GT: because i mean no offence but you just kind of seem to be talking to yourself in circles and not really getting anywhere and that’s kind of dumb and boring.  
GG: Oh I know!  
GG: You hush up, buster!  
GG: >:B  
GT: :O  
GT: such mean words.  
GT: such foul language.  
GT: my poor sensibilities.  
GT: :(  
GT: im crying jane.  
GG: No you aren’t.  
GT: hahahaha no.  
GG: Wait, I have an idea.  
GG: Okay.  
GG: Can you send me a picture of yourself?  
GT: wow that was pretty forward of you.  
GT: do you want me to put on a maid costume or something too?  
GG: No!!!  
GG: Just a normal picture of your face, darn it.  
GG: Nothing unsavory.  
GT: aww, fine.  
GT: i’ll do it.  
GT: but on ONE condition.  
GT: YOU have to send me a picture of YOUR face.  
GG: What!!  
GG: No!  
GG: If there’s one thing I know it’s that you don’t send pictures of yourself to strangers on the internet.  
GG: Shoot, I shouldn’t even be talking to strangers on the internet.  
GG: That’s always a big no.  
GT: yeah my dad was always like ‘USE CAUTION WHEN SPENDING TIME ONLINE, SON’ or whatever but i kind of didn’t.  
GT: god he’s so weird.  
GT: basically what i’m trying to say is that talking to a bunch of strangers online was pretty much the best decision i’ve ever made.  
GT: 10/10.  
GT: i met rose and everybody else online!  
GG: Really? What site?  
GT: ahaha oh man no way.  
GT: we are NOT getting into that right now.  
GT: god, so embarrassing.  
GG: I think we’re getting off track a bit here.  
GT: what?  
GT: oh yeah.  
GT: i guess we are.  
GT: so.  
GT: pictures.  
GG: Pictures.  
GT: come on!!  
GT: just sent it and i’ll send mine too.  
GT: jeez i’ll send mine first if you’ll just AGREE.  
GG: Okay okay fine!  
GG: Send it, and then I’ll send a picture of me.  
GT: promise?  
GG: Promise.  
GT: awesome.  
GT: okay brb for like a minute to turn fuck around with my webcam until it decides to work.  
GG: I’ll be here.  
GT: aaaand back.  
GT: here it is.

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] sent itsme.png --

GG: . . .  
GT: what??  
GG: Let me just send you my picture.  
GG: I think that should . . .  
GG: Well, it’s not exactly going to clear things up.  
GG: If anything, it’s just going to raise more questions!  
GG: Goodness, I just can not even begin to wrap my head around this. 

\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] send whatishappening.png --

GT: oh.  
GG: Yeah.  
GT: nanna???  
GG: That seems to be the case.  
GG: And you would be my poppop.  
GT: but HOW!  
GG: I have NO idea and just trying to think about it is giving me a headache.  
GT: i’m gonna be honest i should probably be freaking out about the fact that you are apparently a teenaged alternate dimension of my dead grandmother and i’m a teenaged alternate dimension version of you dead grandfather.  
GT: freaking out is probably what we should be doing right now.  
GT: but now i just feel weird about making the comment about the maid outfit earlier.  
GT: i just.  
GT: gaaahh.  
GG: Hoo hoo hoo!!  
GG: Don’t worry, we’ve all said stuff we regret.  
GT: yeah but i doubt anything you’ve said in the past was really creepy in a sort of incesty way.  
GG: Well . . . admittedly, no.  
GG: Okay wow, the bizarreness of this is really starting to sink in.  
GG: I think I need to go take a nap.  
GT: okay goodbye jane.  
GT: i’ll talk to you later???  
GG: Of course!  
GG: Bye.  
GT: bye!

\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] \--

==>

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

TG: yoooooo  
TG: wassup tt  
TT: Oh, not much.  
TT: I’ve been talking to Jane about some things, but then Dr. Harley sent me a message and I had to deal with that first.  
TT: What brings you to my humble corner of the internet today, Roxy?  
TG: nm u kno  
TG: just bored i guess  
TG: saw u online thought id hit u up  
TT: Hmm.  
TT: Out of curiosity, why me?  
TT: Our TG is online.  
TT: Or ‘Pimpmaster Hustledaddy’ as I have been told you were instructed to call him.  
TG: lmao  
TT: Dirk is online. As are Jane and ‘Dr. Cage’.  
TG: thats like the fakest name ive ever heard  
TG: id believe pimpmaster hustldaddy b4 i bleived that whole mattthew cage thign  
TG: that naem is FAKE AS SHIT  
TT: It really is, isn’t it?  
TT: I think it just might be the complete normality of the name that makes it so conspicuous.  
TT: It’s exactly the sort of name you’d expect to belong to a character in some sort of machismo action film.  
TT: Which makes sense, considering that GT has what I believe could be the most questionable taste in movies I have ever seen.  
TT: The more I learn about Jake, though, the more that title comes into question.  
TT: Actually, no, I retract my previous statement.  
TT: GT actually chooses to partake in a collection of unfathomably bad movies.  
TT: He practically avoids any decent cinematography like it carries the plague.  
TT: Jake, however, seems to be less opinionated and more on the side of completely indiscriminate about what he’ll watch.  
TG: man u haev got jake pegged  
TG: that guy is l ike  
TG: hell just watc hanything  
TG: every movie ever madw is pefrect in the eyse of jake eonglish  
TG: i amlost wish i could expernce rhings from his perspective  
TG: imagine liking evything  
TT: Ah, to be unburdened by the curse of pessimism.  
TT: How I miss those days.  
TG: lmao  
TG: i feel  
TT: Back to my point, though.  
TT: Why me?  
TG: idk . . .  
TG: i mean  
TG: u seem pretty cool  
TG: like ur kinda spooky but not in a creepy way like sme kinda cyberstakler  
TG: but like just sorta spooky  
TG: like a wise old wizard  
TT: A wizard?  
TT: Interesting. Wouldn’t I be more of a witch?  
TG: nahh witches and wisards are like  
TG: i dunno how to explain but theyr defs defferent  
TT: And being a wizard is a positive thing in your eyes?  
TT: You like wizards?  
TG: hell YEAH  
TG: wiz ards man  
TG: just these big beardy guys with majjyks and shit and point hats  
TG: n robes  
TG: let me tell u the first thin g i do when i get my own house is  
TG: put a giantass fukcking wizard rifght in the middle  
TG: hell yeah  
TT: I admire your ostentatious preference in decor.  
TG: wbu  
TG: do u like wizards  
TT: Maybe.  
TG: omg do you have the cotl series in ur universe pls tell me you do  
TT: Cotl?  
TG: complacency of the learned  
TG: th ebooks my mom wrote  
TG: i guess i never told u the name bc  
TG: its weird to think that some ppl dont kno w about them  
TG: theyre hella populr ove rhere yo  
TT: So your attraction to wizards.  
TT: A little bit of an ironic jab about your mother’s work?  
TG: wat  
TG: no wai  
TG: how coul d u be ironic about wizards  
TG: do i look lik strider to u  
TT: What does your mom think about that.  
TG: i never kno with her  
TG: it hink she thinks like yuo  
TG: she never really thinkgs i mean it  
TG: we dont talk much  
TT: Such is the nature of families.  
TT: Then again, what do I know of love’s austere and lonely offices?  
TT: Say you had the chance to change things.  
TT: Perhaps in some fantastical narrative of our lives, we get to make choices like these.  
TT: Imagine having the foresight and experience to completely reinvent someone’s opinion of you.  
TT: Where would you even start?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [What did I know, what did I know of love's austere and lonely offices? ](http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/19217)  
>   
> 
> Sorry these chapters are spaced so far apart. The outernet is a cruel mistress filled with education and depression. 
> 
>  
> 
> As always, I'm ribbontype on tumblr as well. Feel free to drop by.


	3. November 30th, 2010

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \-- 

TT: Hey.  
GG: hi dirk!!!  
TT: Yo Harley.  
TT: How’s it hanging.  
GG: im hanging good :D  
GG: how are you today??v  
TT: You know.  
TT: Same as always.  
TT: Just chillin here in my room, working on some projects.  
TT: Yep.  
TT: That’s how it goes.  
TT: As a matter of fact, I’ve just been working on duplicating your transmitter.  
GG: :O  
GG: howd that go!! ! !  
TT: It’s functional, but doesn’t work. Whatever mechanical monster you’re using to rip the cosmos a new one won’t let my signal connect to it. Heavy encryption.  
GG: well if there’s one thing grandpa harley taught me is that you should be careful when you are defying the laws of nature  
TT: Grandpa Harley must have been a smart dude.  
GG: yeah . . . he really was :(  
GG: i miss him a lot  
GG: i mean i still have bec but its not the same  
GG: becs only a dog so he cant read me stories and play games with me  
GG: well actually bec loves fetch and thats always fun!!  
GG: but between you and me using reality space bending powers is cheating >:(  
TT: Aren’t you a little bit old to have people reading you stories anyway? You’ve got to be at least 14.  
TT: 14 year old kids don’t need stories read to them, they need to fucking sneak out and get drunk or something.  
TT: Steal some wine coolers from mom and pour ‘em into water bottles.  
TT: Get maybe vaguely buzzed and then act like they’re totally wasted or something, then go out in public and act like a bunch of obnoxious little shitheads until one of their parents catches them.  
TT: Get grounded. Sneak out. Tell all your little dumbass friends with even less balls than brains about your night and how ‘totally EPIC it was bro’.  
TT: Not that I would really know.  
TT: This is merely a hypothesis based on observation.  
GG: . . . well i think youre never too old for stories!!  
GG: also i kind of live alone on my island  
GG: im not even sure if theres any alcohol here and i dont think itd be fun to drink alone anyway  
TT: I wouldn’t really know about that either.  
TT: Ask Roxy.  
TT: Listen, I’m getting away from my point here. Who the hell are you?  
GG: :o  
GG: what do you mean  
GG: im jade harley!  
TT: Yes, but who are you in terms of universal significance.  
TT: All signs point to you being a child, and I doubt that’s something you’ve lied about.  
TT: Claiming you’re an adult and then furiously backpedaling with a lie like a panicked bicyclist doesn’t seem to be your style, you’re much more capable than that.  
TT: Yet still, you keep insisting that ripping the universe a new one was, A, something that actually happened, and B, of your own design.  
TT: If it’s even true, and this isn’t all some sort of ridiculous farce, then it’ll be the most advanced science the world has ever seen.  
TT: Fuck, it might even be easier to build an interstellar starcraft than to find a way to bridge the gaps between parallel realities.  
GG: well i think building a spaceship is probably easier but it takes a lot of parts and spaceships are really big and stuff and it would be hard to build one all alone!!! :(  
TT: I know you’re bullshitting me.  
GG: okay okay geez fine >:B  
GG: yes my friends and i have been lying to you but not like you think.  
TT: You’ve got about ten seconds to explain before you get your ass blocked and me and my friends never bother with you and your friends ever again.  
GG: youre not going to block me dirk  
GG: and theres really no way you could get jane and jake to stop talking to us either so im not really worried about that lol!  
GG: ok so weve already establish that most locations and events are congruent to each other but . . .  
GG: the main difference is the people!  
GG: in my universe i am jade harley .  
GG: but in yours i am someone else.  
GG: you may know me as jade english! :D  
TT: What the fuck are you talking about.

==>

TG: ok i know i havent seen the movie but  
TG: how the fuck can you be good at playing a dead body  
TG: like oh shit this dude is the tits at staying still  
TG: number one nominee for the academy award in being the deadest dude since king tut ten years running and still going strong  
TG: bringing his motionless a game  
TG: look at how lifelessly he drapes his arms  
TG: how completely unresponsive he is to basic verbal commands  
TG: fido aint gonna play that dead for all the treats in the world cause hes looking so hella postmortem he makes a corpse look alive  
TG: a true genius  
TG: no  
TG: a true artist  
TG: why the fuck havent we knocked down the hollywood sign and put up a statue of this jackass instead  
TG: a massive visage of mr whats his corpse built entirely of pure gold  
TG: sorry to the wonders of the world but youre about to get downgraded by an eternal representation of mankinds crowning glory  
TG: thousands of years from now when the humans all got their shit completely wrecked and the apes take their rightful place as the new top dogs in town theyre not gonna be worshipping some black rectangle  
TG: theyre gonna be crowding around a replica of the dead guy from weekend at bernies like a bunch of neglected children trying to get their distant father to finally love them  
TG: bad news timmy youre trying to get blood from a stone there daddys never gonna love you back  
TG: then dramatic pan out as the ape planet is revealed to be none other than earth holy shit plot twist  
TG: but wait what the fuck is happening here  
TG: turns out the state of liberty has been replaced with another fucking statue of that guy  
TG: lady liberty falls along with americas majesty as that one guy sweeps the nation with his superhuman acting ability  
TG: the son of a bitch has us all looking like a bunch of chumps  
TG: damn  
TG: wait what was this dudes name again  
GT: Terry kiser!  
GT: And he wasnt a dead body for the entire movie ill have you know.  
GT: They made a sequel.  
TG: why  
GT: Because everyone loved the first one.  
TG: no  
TG: no they didnt  
TG: listen that movie is just generally regarded as so beyond mediocre it might as well be the film equivalent of a glass of water  
TG: like nah it aint fancy aged wine or whatever like the titanic or something  
TG: or even a big honking glass of spoiled milk like mac and me  
TG: like a wanna be et or whatever like et is a classic nobodys denying that  
TG: but then youve got mac and me which is like  
TG: et left out in the desert sun for weeks  
TG: just sitting there  
TG: curdling  
TG: fuck thats not even milk anymore thats just some nasty ass cottage cheese  
TG: cant even drink it anymore you just have to scoop is up with a fucking spoon but  
TG: news flash  
TG: the spoon was also a piece of shit  
GT: Oh come on mac and me has its moments!  
TG: if by moments you mean impromptu alien dance off then yes it does have its moments  
TG: thats without mentioning the damn bear costume  
TG: what was up with that  
GT: Alright that was a bit far fetched.  
TG: far fetched  
TG: is a movie about an alien of course its far fetched  
TG: like yeah a single completely benign alien manages to shuffle its ass to earth and start hanging out with some crippled kid  
GT: Oh bugger off!  
GT: Thats coming from the bloke from *ANOTHER DIMENSION*.  
TG: listen id be willing to bet you so much money  
TG: there is not nor will there ever be or has ever been a universe where youll find me paling around with a bunch of ridiculously humanoid aliens  
TG: like why do aliens in movies always look like tiny gray people  
TG: thats such lazy writing  
TG: why do aliens never look like tentacle horses on steroids or something  
TG: come on you could literally make aliens look like anything you want and then you just go and drape a bunch of wrinkly gray leather over a monstrous puppet robot  
TG: bunch of fuckin hacks  
GT: Arent *you* technically one of those hacks?  
TG: thats alternate me not me me  
TG: and im sure that alternate me still thinks that hes surrounded by hacks  
TG: alternate me would never honestly go into the movie biz  
TG: hed do it ironically  
TG: for the laughs and the social commentary  
GT: That does sound quite accurate i have to admit.  
GT: From what i hear from dirk hes a bit of an enigma and its really impossible to tell what he means with anything he does.  
GT: But now all i can really think about is how the only part of hollywood that dirk would actually fancy would be the monstrous robo-puppets.  
GT: He really is quite fond of them.  
GT: At least i think thats one of the things that he actually likes and isnt just pretending to like.  
GT: Or liking because its funny?  
GT: Its really quite bothersome trying to jimmy some sort sincerity out of his convoluted claptrap.  
GT: A bit exhausting really.  
TG: yeah hell do that  
TG: listen you havent told him anything have you  
GT: Well i tell him quite a lot of things youre going to have to be more specific.  
TG: i mean about me  
TG: wow  
TG: context clues  
GT: No i havent.  
GT: A gentlemans word is his bond.  
TG: good good  
GT: This isnt going to last though you know.  
GT: Hes one sharp cookie and the only thing thats stopping him from figuring us out is himself.  
GT: As stubborn as a mule i swear.  
TG: yeah our ruse isnt much of a distaction at all is it  
GT: Afraid not.  
GT: I think everything will work out for the best though!  
TG: of course you do  
GT: Is that some sort of sarcasm?  
GT: That sounds a bit like sarcasm to me.  
TG: nah  
TG: youre just  
TG: green john  
TG: boy jade  
TG: of course you think everything is sunshine rainbows and giggles with a cherry on top  
GT: I dont understand though.  
GT: Whats the need for beating around the bush.  
GT: Jumping jehoshaphat just talk to him for christs sake!  
TG: you do realize were talking about dirk here  
TG: yeah great idea tarzan ill just pull up some pillows and make some tea and well have a good old heart to heart  
TG: talk about our feelings  
TG: and cute boys  
TG: im sure hed love a good conversation about cute boys  
TG: a plus  
TG: fuckin incredible plan  
GT: I really just dont understand.  
GT: You two are FAMILY but youre avoiding him like the friggen plague.  
GT: Not all of us even *have* the option to avoid our families you know!!

==>

GG: im jakes grandma!  
GG: but young  
GG: and from another universe  
GG: does that make any sense??  
TT: No.  
TT: That’s complete tripe.  
TT: This is sick.  
TT: I don’t know how you think this is going to help you get to Jake or Jane but I do know that I am going to find you.  
TT: And I am going to kill you.  
GG: woah wait a minute!  
GG: just two seconds ago you said you believed that i was 14!  
GG: but now you think im trying to hurt jake and jane???  
GG: :(  
GG: really i promise were just trying to be their friends!  
TT: Well two seconds ago you hadn’t claimed to be an alternate dimension version of my conveniently wealthy and naive friend’s prime caretaker.  
TT: You have one more chance.  
TT: Who are you?  
TT: Who do you work for?  
GG: i dont work for anybody im just a kid!!  
GG: listen i dont want to hurt anyone how can i just prove this to you  
TT: You can’t, because there’s nothing to prove.  
TT: What are you planning.  
GG: sigh  
GG: listen mister pessimism pants!!  
GG: if you don’t believe me just ask jane you trust her right?!?  
TT: Of course I trust Jane.  
TT: Are you trying to tell me that you somehow managed to get her to fall for all of this?  
GG: yes!!! >:(  
GG: i mean . . .  
GG: no.  
GG: she believes that were telling her the truth its not like we got her to ’’fall for’’ it  
GG: >:B just talk to her.  
GG: im tired of arguing with mr no fun allowed strider!  
TT: Lets say I’m willing to fabricate some sort of suspension of disbelief for the next 5 minutes.  
TT: I know Jade English, and the weirdest thing about all of this is that your diction has some fucking next level accuracy to the dear old witch I’m familiar with.  
GG: witch? :c  
GG: that seems kinda mean dirk!  
TT: It’s used more as a term of endearment than anything.  
TT: Back to the point.  
TT: You get one chance to prove you’re not lying.  
TT: I’m not willing to risk Jane and Jake’s safety on the off chance that a fourteen year old girl from another universe managed to defy all of the pretense of modern science and punch a hole in the universe like it was a wet piece of paper and she was Jackie Chan.  
TT: So, what have you got for me?  
GG: um . . . .  
GG: give me just a second okay!!! :)

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] send hi_dirk.png --

TT: What.  
GG: its a picture of me and my dog bec!!  
GG: and i wrote hi dirk on a little sign so you would know it was a recent picture. :D  
TT: Jesus christ that’s a big dog.  
TT: One moment I have to go checking something out.  
GG: ok take your time!  
TT: Back.  
TT: I compared it to some pictures Jake sent a little while ago.  
TT: That house in the background, it’s identical.  
TT: Not to mention even the foliage around you is exactly the same.  
GG: yes because it is the same island now do you believe me dirk!  
TT: I don’t want to but at this point I really have to.  
TT: Obviously, you’re not broing it up with Jake on hellmurder island, he would have flipped his god damned lid at the first sign of other people in the area.  
TT: That, paired with the fact that building a set that was literally indistinguishable from Jake’s island, along with his giant-ass space mansion would be so insanely impractical I can’t even comprehend.  
TT: Not to mention you look exactly like every childhood photo of Granny English I’ve ever seen.  
TT: You’ve somehow managed to convince me that what you’re claiming to be the truth loops back around to being less outlandish than the alternative.  
TT: What does this mean, though?  
TT: What do you want from us.  
GG: i dont know you guys are just kind of fun to talk to and its nice to talk to jake again!  
TT: Wait a minute.  
TT: Who are your friends?  
GG: ;)  
GG: lol youll know some day!

\-- gardenGnostric [GG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--

==>

TG: well yeah but you wouldnt be one of those people  
TG: youve got big jade im sure shes like the cuddliest grandma ever  
TG: heres a hug and a gun lil guy have fun out in the wilderness  
TG: when you get tired just come home and we can read bedtime stories  
TG: and drink hot chocolate out of the skulls of this horrible monster we just killed and skinned  
TG: remember proper skinning safety you gotta be careful if you want to be able to use the flesh of this fallen behemoth as a nice fluffy blanket to watch movies under  
TG: come on jr time for bed and tomorrow ill teach you how to build a nuclear fusion reactor out of toothpicks  
GT: Er, well.  
GT: More or less.  
TG: jades a fucking lunatic  
TG: and i used to think that was just because alternate universe you was off his rockers or something  
TG: which he totally was dont get me wrong or anything  
TG: but obviously thats not the sole factor here obviously both of your are just fucking insane on your own time  
GT: Oh, whatever!  
GT: We may be a bit on the *eccentric* side of things but what on earth is wrong with that?  
TG: nothing man im just giving you shit  
TG: i cant imagine a world where harley and i dont form a friendship over her sending me preserved dead shit that she killed on hellmurder island over there  
TG: while she reads stories to her gigantic dog monster and plays mad scientist in her spare time while laying in a metric fuckton of stuffed squiddles  
TG: anything else would just be boring  
TG: i mean i bet shes the only girl alive to have stuffed her dead guardians corpse at age 10  
TG: shes like someone put indiana jones and einstein in a blender with a dash of that one kid at school who kept on pretending to be a wolf long after it was normal  
GT: Well it is a family tradition!  
GT: Im glad she did it i wouldnt have wanted it any other way im sure.  
GT: Grandma used to always tell me stories about how her grandfather died when she was little.  
GT: She and her little brother had his corpse stuffed and used to keep it in front of the fireplace in their big mansion!  
TG: woah wait  
TG: big jade had a little bro  
GT: Yes she did!  
GT: She never said much about the man though it always made her seem very sad.  
GT: Im not sure what went on between them.  
GT: She ran away from home you know.  
GT: She was very young.  
GT: Younger than we are now actually!  
GT: Her grandmother was a wretch of a woman who treated her and her brother horribly.  
GT: One day she killed their beloved pet dog and that was it for my grandma.  
TG: holy shit i can imagine  
TG: jade would be absolutely devastated she loves dogs so much  
TG: man though alternate jade sounds like a total fucking badass  
GT: Oh i can assure you she very much was! GT: Is.  
GT: I mean is!  
GT: She still is of course.  
GT: Even after a century of being alive./span>  
TG: damn she old  
TG: well you should give her a fistbump and tell her its from mini dave strider  
TG: wait does she even know who i am  
GT: Of course she does!  
GT: You two are quite close actually.  
GT: I never would have gotten to know dirk if you and her didnt talk.  
TG: cool so  
TG: youre gonna fistbump her for me right  
GT: Of course!  
TG: wait so does that mean youve met alternate me  
GT: I have but i was too young to remember sorry.  
TG: oh man lame  
TG: okay whatever  
TG: hey dirks pestering me im gonna go see what he wants  
GT: Thats all fine and dandy!  
GT: Jade seems to be trying to get in contact with me so ill go talk to her instead.  
TG: cool

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT] \-- 

==>

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \-- 

TT: Yo.  
TG: yo  
TG: sup dude  
TT: Not much, bro.  
TT: I just got done with an interesting conversation with Jade.  
TT: Jade English.  
TT: Like damn son, talk about a mobius tier plot twist.  
TT: Shit’s so twisted that the bullshit you and your friends have been feeding us and the stuff that’s actually true corkscrews around and slams together all into the same thing like an ambiguously factual orgy.  
TG: thats jade for you i guess  
TG: you kinda just have to start believing her about stuff  
TG: like ‘hey i live all alone on this island with my monster of a dog inside of this giant mansion also im a supergenius’  
TG: yeah okay  
TG: sure  
TG: definitely not something a pedophile would say  
TG: thats not even the half of it though like you havent even heard her get started on the furries  
TG: all about how shed love to frolick wildly in the night with some swole wolves or something  
TG: her canine ears blowing in the wind as she howls at the moon and starts chowing down on ants or some shit like that with too many legs  
TG: humping her anthro bros in an attempt to assert her dominance  
TG: thats jade  
TT: I dont think that wolves eat ants.  
TG: whatever man  
TG: so whats up do you like actually have something to talk about or is this just one of those things where im not the one who initiated the  
TT: If I wanted small talk I’d just go to my friends.  
TT: On the subject of friends, though, you’re friends with Jade English-Harley-Whatever.  
TT: Which brings me around to my question.  
TT: Who are you?  
TG: thats certainly a question  
TT: That’s certainly not an answer.  
TT: At this point, there’s nothing you could say that could catch me off guard.  
TT: The dried up remainder of my surprise has just been desperately scraped from the bottom of my reserve shock pool. It has just recently been expended talking to the younger alternate version of my best friend’s grandmother.  
TT: Nothing remains but the crusty, worn out flakes of begrudging acceptance.  
TT: It’s not a complicated question.  
TG: i already told you dude im the pimpmaster hustledaddy  
TG: the top tier sugar daddy of swag  
TG: basic bitches get the hell out of the way so we can roll out the red carpet  
TG: the prince of fresh beats is here to take his rightful place at the throne  
TG: lording over as the supreme mix master and keeping the snarky bookshrews and toothy glasses nerds where they can bask in my pure talent  
TG: what more even needs to be said TT: Listen bro I can respect that.  
TT: I respect the fuck out of an a-bro-priately rad as fuck nickname like that.  
TT: Fact of the fucking matter though is that, like always, I’ve gotta be the wet blanket. Can’t take any risks, you know?  
TT: Gotta make sure that everyone involved in this whole operation is kosher like an israeli deli on hanukkah.  
TT: Come on bro, just dish it out.  
TG: aight  
TG: im dave  
TG: dave strider  
TG: pretty sure youve heard of me  
TG: hey  
TT: Oh fuck.

==>

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering golgothasTerrors [GT] \--

GG: jake!  
GT: Hello jade!  
GG: hey :D.  
GT: What brings you to my neck of the woods today miss?  
GG: ive got a super cool plan.  
GG: and i want you to get in on it.  
GG: are you ready for the biggest adventure of your LIFE!!!! :D  
GT: Consider it done!  
GT: By golly you must be planning some adventure to be able to speak so surely about it.  
GT: With an introduction like that I feel like this is going to be fun.


	4. December 25th, 2010

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at me, I managed to get a chapter published less than a month after the one before it.

-\- tentacletherapist [TT] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] \--

TT: Hello Jake.  
TT: Merry Christmas.  
TT: I trust Jade is treating you to a nice breakfast of freshly caught wildebeest served and seasoned with wild vegetation and cooked in a nuclear reactor.   
GT: Merry christmas rose!  
GT: No breakfast yet but im sure shell whip something up in a little while.  
GT: How has your christmas been then ms lalonde?  
GT: Despite your relationship with your mother being a little frigid im sure youve at least gotten a present or two that suits your fancy.  
GT: And hopefully not another pony eh?  
GT: From what ive heard that birthday must have been a fiasco.  
TT: That’s actually more of an understatement than anything.  
TT: Nearly a month later and mother is still vigilantly scrubbing at the burnt in hoofprints.  
TT: I’m impressed with the amount of ash she’s managed to remove but no matter how clean the ceiling manages to get there’s still the dents.  
TT: The whole thing is going to need to be replastered and painted.  
TT: Mother is talking about putting up a chandelier as well.  
TT: To paraphrase what I can from her enthusiastic slurring it will really ‘cash up the joink’.  
TT: I can only assume this is to be interpreted as her wanting to ‘class up the joint’.  
TT: Enough on that borderline inexhaustible subject, though. As a matter of fact I did receive an incredibly thoughtful present.  
TT: My mother told me that I am going to be starting hormone therapy.  
GT: Er . . .  
GT: Pardon?  
TT: Hormone therapy.  
TT: You see I was born with the unfortunate problem of a Y chromosome, and thus had all of the male physical characteristics that came with it.  
TT: Hormone therapy will introduce my body to large amounts of estrogen and help me to develop in a more feminine way.  
TT: From there I can begin to think about surgical options.  
GT: So youre . . . erm . . . whats the word.  
GT: Ahh . . .  
GT: I do really hope that this doesnt come out offensive in any way.  
GT: But um.  
GT: Are you trying to say that youre . . .  
GT: Transgender?/span>  
TT: Yes, exactly.   
GT: Well by golly then that certainly sounds like a gem of a present!  
GT: Good gravy you must be over the moon.  
TT: Oh yes, the excitement is there, unfortunately accompanied by the bittersweet dread that so often seems to line one’s stomach when there’s anticipation brewing.  
TT: Not unlike the feeling of boarding an airplane before a getaway vacation.  
TT: On one hand, the joy of a new destination is not something easily matched, but in the other, there’s some comfort in familiarity.  
TT: And can you even be sure that your bags are packed? Is this even a trip you’re prepared for?  
GT: It seems like your noggin is being a bit of a stubborn douchemuffin when you really just need to rid yourself of all the convoluted claptrap and mental muck thats stopping you from going on this big adventure in your life.  
GT: Of course theres going to be some ruckus involve in the whole kit and caboodle but theres a silver lining to every raincloud.  
GT: One cant waste their time floundering about with indecision twiddling their thumbs when theyre on the precipice of such a life changing experience!  
GT: If this is really something you want for yourself things will work out in the end.  
GT: And thats a gentlemans promise.  
TT: Thank you Jake.  
TT: That advice was actually rather comforting.  
TT: Enough about me. I actually pestered you to ask you a questions.  
TT: I’d be the first to admit that its nothing less than tasteless to start digging into a friend’s personal life on Christmas day, but nonetheless whole measures must be taken to ensure the truth is found.  
TT: I’d like to think uncovering the truth is a skill of mine. I’ve always had luck with it, and you, Jake English, are hiding something.  
GT: Poppycock!  
GT: I dont know *what* youre suggesting but im as open as a book without covers!  
TT: Oh, Jake.  
TT: Just how long have you been alone on that island?

\-- golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering -- golgothasTerror [GT] \--

\-- golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering -- golgothasTerror [GT] \--

TT: Jake.  
GT: Listen lalonde i have absolutely *no* inkling of an idea as to what sort bullhonkey youve pulled out through your ears this time.  
TT: Jake I appreciate your willingness to blatantly lie when confronted, it’s a trait that will either get you far or murdered in life, but let’s cut the bullshit. Your grandmother is dead, yes?  
GT: . . .  
GT: Yes.  
GT: But how did you know!!  
GT: I havent even told anybody yet.  
GT: Well i mean . . . one person but  
GT: They certainly didnt tell you.  
TT: No, I haven’t talked to your universe’s Dave at all, despite how frequently I pester Dirk requesting so. I’m not entirely sure what Dirk suspects will come of it, to be quite honest, but he’s probably right which only whets my appetite further.  
GT: And how did you know i told dave!!  
GT: For christs sake are you some sort of flipping MIND READER!  
TT: Not yet, but I’m working on it.  
TT: I just have to find the right sort of crystal bowl to drink my lamb’s blood from, and then I can be initiated to the high council.  
TT: I’ve just had to use simple deduction.  
TT: I know Jade, and there’s not a single shred of doubt in me that she wouldn’t have wanted to talk with my Jade, or any of our friends.  
TT: The fact that there’s been no signs of this happening can only mean she’s, to put it as delicately as I can, out of the picture.  
TT: Along with Dirk, sharp as he is, appears to not have noticed. I can only assume that Dave’s decided to back up your claims for whatever inscrutable reasoning he may have.  
TT: I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want me to, but I’m here to talk. It might help  
GT: I suppose so.  
GT: Alright heres what happened.  
GT: It was a couple of years ago.  
GT: Around the same time jades grandpa who is me died im pretty sure.  
GT: And well . . .  
GT: Um.  
GT: She was out.  
GT: For a really friggen long time much longer than usual and so i decided to go look for her.  
GT: And i found her.  
GT: And she was.  
GT: She was dead.  
GT: And I couldnt tell anyone!!  
GT: How could i tell ANYBODY?  
GT: Im not ready to run skaianet yet but i have to and ive been responding to all of grandmas emails like im her but i just know that im doing it so poorly!  
GT: And of course my dear friends would be so worried and try to get me to come off of the island theyve talked about it before.  
GT: But HOW am i supposed to live somewhere that isnt my island when this and my grandma is all ive ever known??!??!?!  
GT: Im not a brave adventurer at all rose.  
GT: Im nothing.  
TT: Jake you’ve been keeping this all secret for so long, and acting like nothings wrong must have been very hard.  
TT: Just because you’re not brave in the ways you want to be, that doesn’t automatically mean you’re not brave at all.  
TT: Keep talking. What happened with Dave?  
GT: He emailed me.  
GT: Said he knew it was me the hole time and he was really angry i hadnt told anyone but he promised to keep it a secret.  
GT: So thats that.  
TT: This is quite a hole you’ve dug yourself into.  
TT: Do you have any idea what you’re going to do?  
GT: Well right now ive got a hankering for a hardy batch of eggs or something alike!  
GT: If you dont mind miss lalonde im going to step away for a bit of nosh.  
TT: No, go ahead.   
GT: Youre not going to tell anyone are you?  
TT: Of course not. I already said I wouldn’t.  
GT: And about what you told me earlier.  
GT: About you.  
GT: Is that any sort of secret that I need to keep?  
TT: Not anymore. Have a nice breakfast.  
GT: I will.

\-- golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

==>

TG: GOOD TIDNIG WE BRIGN  
GG: TO YOU AND YOUR KIN!  
TG: 2 U N UR KIN  
TG: GOOD TIDNIGS FOR XMAS  
GG: GOOD TIDINGS FOR CHRISTMAS!  
TG: AND A HEPPY NEW YERA  
TG: we totes just killde thats ong jadey  
TG: we made taht song r BIPTCH  
GG: heck yeah!!! >:)  
GG: okay i think weve official sang all of the christmas carols i know off the top of my head. :o  
GG: what do you want to talk about now!?  
TG: it is good that u shuld ask dr harls  
TG: afrer subhecting the code of dda universe to the madrigogs  
TG: this hot haxxor bae has fodun some SHOCIKNG SNEWS  
TG: found*  
TG: but ye u get da pic  
GG: shocking news!!! :D  
GG: wait good shocking or bad shocking?  
TG: liek  
TG: neutral scokinhg i guess i dunt know what 2 make of ita ll tbh  
GG: that sounds especially shocking!!  
GG: thanks for doing all the ~ath research for me by the way roxy!  
GG: im much better at doing work with hardware than software >:( ive really got to work on it more.  
TG: omg no bby dont u worry ur prett ylil head off ur doin just fine  
TG: im ean were 15 yrs young we stil got tha time 2 lern more things  
TG: n i dont mind elhlping uoy out at all always happy to do a rad favor 4 a rad gal  
TG: who is a big qt and users thems cutie lil smlimey faces  
TG: slimy*  
TG: wai t no shit smilkey*  
TG: LAMO  
TG: lmao* smiley*  
TG: god damn  
GG: lol.  
GG: maybe you should lay off the wine for a little bit it cant be good for your science. :)  
TG: if only twere that easxy j dawg  
TG: if onleeee  
GG: so!!!  
GG: SHOCKING NEWS :O!  
TG: YES YSE THE NESW  
TG: so imagune ur me all ike bein hot and sitting at a computer douing ome read as fuck haxx  
TG: and so u go ilookin 4 da code that mathces up with ur personal instance of xisting in the universe  
GG: of course. all pretty standard when beginning a haxx!  
TG: yes . . .  
TG: but then . . . .  
TG: . . .. .. . . .  
TG: things get . . .  
TG: UNSTANDARD  
GG: GASP!!!!!  
TG: i kno i know  
TG: children n the feint fo heart bware  
TG: so ur me n ur analzsyig the set of code that represnt u as a person within the physical unvinernse  
TG: and u find it!! yay roro l money ofischingly exits  
TG: offishelly* exists*  
TG: w/e close enuff  
TG: nbut then u as in me stars seeing something hella str ange  
TG: the coda 4 ms roxy the fabulsuous is not wher e it should be  
TG: within the standard code of errything taht is curenly existin in the universe and ever will   
GG: woah what the heck!  
GG: like somehow the code for you as a person had just been . . . moved?  
GG: D:  
GG: that may not be BAD new but its still really really scary!  
TG: it gets creppier too  
TG: but dont u worey we will fiurge this out i pormise  
TG: 2 anwser ur question tho no . . .  
TG: its not like i had beetn moved but it was mroe liek i ha dbeen added in as an afterthought  
TG: there were these two liek bubbley little bits a code i foudn that dont rly seem 2 fit in wiht everything else  
TG: each containting 8 obvs indivuidle set sof code that corpsepond 2 an individual instance of a huanm  
TG: i kno me of course  
TG: then theres obv s dork n jakeyjakes n the lovely ms crocker  
TG: then granny u n gramps johhny boi n mamma roses n big dave  
TG: an d they all hve thses dates w them  
TG: leas t i think theyre ddathes sthey match up  
TG: nad then in the second lil bubble og code is like kinda sthe ame but the oppoitse  
GG: with my grandpa and johns nanna being jane and jake just dated earlier??? :O  
TG: bingo jharls!!  
TG: ur sharper than dstris haircut lmao  
GG: so youre saying that we almost shouldnt exist?  
GG: that we only really are in the universe because someone or something thought to put us in here?  
TG: loosk like  
TG: so u gott bubble 1 an bubble 2  
TG: n e wayz  
TG: actulialy u kno what ill jsut  
TG: copy n paste hells to the yah  
TG: import universe U2α;  
TG: import universe U2β;  
TG: import author ████;  
TG: ~ATH(U2β) {  
TG: //ADD;LOOP  
TG: } EXECUTE ~ATH(U2β){β1}{β8} };  
TG: ~ATH(U2α) {  
TG: //ADD;LOOP  
TG: } EXECUTE ~ATH(U2α){α1}{α8} };  
TG: THIS.DIE();  
GT: O_O  
TG: tehers more btu i tdont really know wha tits goin forw the other junk yet but  
TG: im guessing u understand wat this means  
GG: you could say that. :B  
GG: so basically . . . our universes arent even different universe at all!  
GG: theyre the same universe with a set divergence point.  
GG: that explains why it was so easy to contact you guys!!!!  
TG: ya 4 defs>  
TG: if we were rly a complete diffs uniserve then u would have had 2 write a contained self desturuct loop  
TG: n liek actually end a teeensies weensies lil part of the unviners in a stastis repeat  
TG: which u didn t i aint seen nohting like tha twhen i look at ur code  
GG: no i definitely didnt do that. D:  
TG: hush yougn harls  
TG: let momma roxx cuddel u in her mighty luv bossm  
TG: boobsom*  
TG: ops boosm*  
TG: fuck it lcose enuff  
TG: sbutt i mean the weriedst part  
TG: ~ath works base on the wicked sick lojjyks that u are operatin g a finction insdide the consext of ur onw universe  
TG: and as u kno be all listin it as u  
GG: . . .  
GG: so why are our universes number 2?  
TG: and wyh doez this sextion f da cde have an author  
GG: who could have possibly reprogrammed the universe!!?  
GG: and why us!!!  
TG: its a chrimbus mirracel  
GG: lol! :D  
GG: but seriously thats really creepy.  
TG: yeah this is kind of fucking me up. 

==>

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--

GT: hey dirk!  
TT: Yo.  
GT: how is your christmas going?  
TT: Predictably adequate. Yours?  
GT: it was great!!!  
GT: i got a bunch of cool stuff and dad made omelettes for breakfast.  
GT: but i mean jeez its christmas and you are still kind of sounding like your usual grump self.  
TT: I’m not grumpy, I’m just not cheery to the point of shitting literal cotton candy like you.  
GT: oh come on i am not THAT cheery i am just not a total downer all the time like somebody.  
GT: cough cough you.  
GT: it’s CHRISTMAS dirk!  
TT: Oh shit really?  
TT: God damn, am I screwed. I just spent the last grueling 40 consecutive hours hand carving intricately designed turkeys in to pumpkins with a toothpick.  
TT: Then I had to go out and buy hundreds of plastic eggs filled with chalky heart candies and buy the fireworks to shoot off at midnight when the ball drops.  
TT: If only I had known it was Christmas morn, I could have spent the last few days in a jolly eggnog catalyzed trance instead. Go on then, Johnny boy. Fetch me the largest goose from the market, tonight, we feast.  
TT: My wealth-blackened soul has been healed by your orphanly charm and quaintly enchanting physical disability, along with three plucky and situationally ironic ghosts.  
TT: It’s a miracle.  
GT: geez okay i get it!  
GT: pfft.  
GT: come on, you and your bro had to have had at least something resembling a nice time today.  
GT: dave loves christmas theres like no way ever he’d let his little brother have a crummy one.  
TT: We had a good time for the first hour or so, and then, of course, business calls.  
TT: The chance that there were enough people willing to work on Christmas that a meeting of any kind would be possible is so unfathomably low that I feel like my intellect is being insulted by these excuses that are so half-assed they might as well be the battered remains of a guillotined donkey.  
GT: D:  
GT: why would he make up lies just to not have to talk to you on christmas?  
GT: that doesn’t make any sense at all!  
GT: and lying to someone on christmas is literally the shittiest thing you could do to someone. geez.  
GT: how much of a complete and total dickmunch do you have to be to do that.  
GT: but i mean are you sure he’s even lying to you?  
GT: he sounds like a busy guy he probably just has work to do!  
TT: Oh no, trust me, he’s about as bus as a dorito dust encrusted manchild living with his mother. He just has no idea how to converse with me whatsoever.  
TT: It’s completely pathetic.  
GT: well . . .  
TT: What?  
GT: it’s just that.  
GT: you don’t really make talking to you that easy dirk.  
GT: like its pretty much impossible to tell if you’re angry or upset about something!  
GT: you just act so BLAH about stuff a lot of the time you know.  
GT: like hmm look at me i’m dirk i’m way too smart to be happy or nice to people!  
TT: Wow, John. I’m impressed. After less than a year of knowing me you’ve managed to completely understand every miniscule aspect of my personality and eloquently explain it to the general populace.  
TT: You caught me. I’m a dull, unhappy monster who only exists to be rude to my friends.  
GT: :(  
GT: okay maybe that was kind of mean but you’re doing it right now too.  
GT: i am just saying it would pretty cool if you could just say something without filtering it through like seven layers of sarcasm.  
GT: it’s not going to kill you dude.  
TT: It will, actually.  
TT: You see, I have a very rare condition which affects as little as one in every ten million members of the population.  
GT: don’t!  
GT: do not finish that incredibly long winded joke that is probably gonna end up becoming a comment that somehow implies something heavily sexual about me.  
TT: Wow, rude.  
GT: pfft. nerd.  
TT: Dork.  
GT: pot and kettle dude.  
TT: All of the pots in my house are red, and we’ve never owned a kettle.  
GT: :(  
GT: dirk i can’t believe how senselessly beat that joke to death.  
TT: That wasn’t a joke, it was a comeback, barely, and I’ve got a little more respect than you give me credit for.  
TT: I gave your joke-slash-comeback an honorable death, a quick slice to the neck with my bitchin katana.  
TT: Blood sprays from it’s decapitate joke-stump in an elegant crimson arch.  
TT: It is truly fucking majestic.  
GT: everything you just said makes my comeback better.  
GT: but i don’t like the really stupid direction this conversation is going so i’m going to change the subject.  
GT: so you get anything cool for christmas?  
TT: Obviously. I mean, we’re rich, bro. Loaded like a garbage tanker headed to the third world.  
TT: New parts for my robotics, mostly. Specialized stuff. You?  
GT: woah wait what you guys weren’t joking about the robot thing?  
TT: What, no.  
TT: Why would you think that.  
GT: well i mean a lot of the time dave says stuff that i know is a total lie just to sound cool.  
GT: like dave keeps going on about how cool his blog is and stuff.  
GT: nobody reads dave’s blog . . .  
TT: He sent me some screencaps of his blog.  
TT: Potential, but it tries a little bit to hard. 8/10.  
TT: Yes, though, I do actually build robots.  
GT: wow.  
GT: COOL.  
GT: like normally you say things that you think are cool but are actually really lame but robots are just universally cool.  
GT: name one person who doesn’t like robots.  
TT: Nobody. Anyone who doesn’t like robots can’t be considered a person, just a hollow, emotionless husk.  
GT: hahahahaha!  
GT: anyway, christmas.  
GT: my dad got me a laptop.  
GT: in fact i am using it to talk to you right now hahaha  
GT: also rose sent me a really high quality webcam too!!  
GT: the laptop has one built in but its a grainy piece of shit.  
GT: the webcame rose sent me wouldn’t have even worked with my old desktop though so it’s a good coincidence i got a new computer.  
TT: I don’t know if that’s a coincidence, broski, Lalonde is spooky weird with her guessing.  
GT: yeah she is!!!  
GT: how does she even do that??  
GT: sometimes she says stuff and i have to say to her rose. rose no. you are not allowed to know that please stop being so spooky.  
TT: Unless any of us get on her bad side we might as well just roll with her paranatural clairvoyance.  
GT: hahaha yeah i’m not complaining.  
TT: oh shit, looks like bro’s done with his ‘meeting’.  
TT: Gotta go. Catch you on the flipside, egg burrito.  
GT: bye dude!!! have fun with your bro okay!!!  
TT: That’s completely out of my control. 

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] \--

==>

TG: okay are you ready  
GG: For the last time, yes!!  
TG: no jane i really dont think you understand  
GG: Oh, phooey. I’ve been dealing with your brother so much I’m pretty sure I could write just as good a rap as you could!  
TG: oh HELL no  
TG: thats a challenge  
GG: I-  
GG: What! No!!  
TG: too late j money were making this hapen  
TG: christmas rap off go  
GG: Dave!  
TG: cmon dont worry granny jcrocks  
TG: just find your funky flow and roll with it  
TG: channel the exotic tropical rivers of pure rhythm and take a glass bottomed boat ride on that shit  
GG: Alright fine!  
GG: I’ll have a rap off with you, Dave.  
GG: It sure beats hearing about you go on for a few hundred words about how we’re both on a boat ride, looking at rapping fish or something akin to that! Hoo hoo.  
GG: Lay it on me, buster. >:B  
TG: hells to the yes now were talking  
TG: okay here we go  
TG: yo old kris kringle  
TG: shimmies up the shingles  
TG: droppin down gifts for the kiddies and the singles  
TG: tiny tim says jimminy  
TG: as he crawls down the chim-en-y  
TG: waitin for the single moms who he can mingle  
GG: Oh my turn!  
GG: Hmm . . .  
GG: Gosh, this is much harder than I thought!  
GG: I feel so silly.  
TG: embrace it jane  
TG: embrace the sick beats or forever be ashamed about your lack of swag  
GG: Okay, here goes nothing!  
GG: Uh . . .  
GG: Stirring in the house  
GG: There’s a little white mouse  
GG: He gives sugar plums  
GG: To the man and his spouse  
GG: Christmas lights twinkle  
GG: While down the snow sprinkles  
GG: And Santa Claus smiles  
GG: With his face in a crinkle  
TG: cool cool that definitely rhymed  
TG: now add a little pizzaz to it  
TG: sick presents stacked five miles high  
TG: lamborghini sleigh cuz santas so fly  
TG: gold chainz on the reindeer to impress the bitches  
TG: as old saint nick whips out his sack full of riches  
TG: pounding down milk like a bottle of jack  
TG: stuffin cookies and treats right back into his sack  
GG: Making it rain with jingling bells  
GG: Santa honks at the honeys that he thinks are swell  
GG: He flies down to Vegas to hit up the casino  
GG: And he brings on the action like Quentin Tarantino  
GG: Packs everything up so he can head back home  
GG: But he takes some detours to find some parties to roam  
GG: Okay that was hard!  
GG: That’s all I’m doing. You win, Dave.  
GG: I have been beaten at your own game.  
TG: oh hell no you killed it  
TG: that was like top tier levels of christmas rapping  
TG: paint that shit gold and stick it on top of the tree  
TG: merry christmas fuckers  
TG: prepare to have your mind blown by the sickest of collaberative jams  
TG: merry fucking christmas to the world  
GG: Merry fucking Christmas indeed!


	5. Feburary 12th, 2011

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Things Happen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbetaed and short as hell. sorry.

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] opened a memo on board best friend funtime extravaganza :D!!! --

GG: guys i have bad news :(

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began responding to memo --

GT: oh no.  
GT: what’s going on jade?  
GT: D: D: D:  
GG: lets wait for rose and dave to get here first.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began responding to memo --

TG: did someone say . . .  
TG: dave  
GG: i said dave  
GT: i’m saying it now.  
GT: dave.  
TG: so whats with the impending shitstorm on the horizon.  
TG: your magic fucking dog decide to send you back to hellmurder island instead of letting you hop your merry way aboard the charter plane or something  
GG: no. :(  
TG: then what  
TG: cmon harley the thick brown clouds in the distance are getting bigger.  
TG: is this bad news or  
TG: like  
TG: bad bad news  
GG: bad bad!!  
GT: D:

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began responding to memo --

TT: I apologize for my tardiness.  
TT: I was preparing the guest room for my esteemed guests.  
TT: What’s happening?  
GG: rose what is the weather in new york like right now?  
TT: Mild snow.  
TT: It’s quite nice, but I’m not looking forward to the long drive to the airport with my intoxicated mother cursing at the slickness of the road and nearly getting us killed a few times.  
TT: Just a heads up.  
GG: well i dont think it’s going to matter at this point!! D:  
GG: im in san francisco and my pilot was arguing with some people at the front desk and apparently flights to new york and the east coast are being cancelled.  
GG: the weather around there is just too bad!!!! D:  
TG: wait what  
TG: you have got to be shitting me  
TG: hold on a sec let me check on my next flight  
TG: shit the weather is getting pretty bad here in ohio too  
GT: wait hold on a second my dad is knocking on my door i’ve got to go talk to him.  
TT: Jade, what are you going to do?  
GG: i dont know i think i have to just go home!! D:  
GG: my pilot says he has other people to fly so its not like i can just find a hotel here and wait for the weather to calm down.  
TT: I’m looking at the weather reports. Calming down doesn’t seem like it’s going to be happening soon.  
TT: The temperature is slowly dropping while the wind speed is climbing at about the same rate throughout the course of the week.  
GG: i guess i wont be able to see you guys after all . . .  
GG: i hope you still have fun though!  
TG: yeah my flight is cancelled.  
TG: the vast majority of flights are cancelled.  
TG: and also spoiler alert  
TG: there aren’t any flights back to texas until tomorrow  
TG: guess who is sleeping in an airport tonight  
TG: text it  
GG: oh no!!!!!!! D:  
GG: dave!!!  
TT: are there any flights elsewhere where you could get a connecting flight back home?  
TG: nah  
TG: i checked with the guy at the counter  
TG: nothing till tomorrow  
TT: I’m guessing it moves a little past optimism into realms of naivety to assume John could manifest some sort of way to get to New York today.  
GT: back.  
GT: and yeah dad said our flight got cancelled. :(  
GT: :c  
GT: this fucking sucks!!!!!  
TG: at least you dont have to sleep in the fucking airport  
GG: and you dont have to go back on a plane for another 14 straight hours . . .  
GT: true but i mean.  
GT: i can’t believe that after everything we don’t even get to meet up.  
GT: ugh!!!!  
TG: its not like its the last chance in the world for us to see each other  
TG: just kind of a big fucking waste of money and time for everyone involved  
TG: but you know whatever  
TG: thanks to cosmic destiny for the giant fucking snowstorm out of the blue  
TG: really appreciated bro  
TG: how about next time we meet at the beach so a freak tidal wave can kill us all  
GG: dave nooooo!  
GG: at least let it be something cool that kills us  
GT: like a tornado . . .  
GT: with SHARKS in it!  
TT: A sharknado, if you will.  
TG: now thats a movie i would watch  
TG: rugged white male protagonist battles the elements and nature itself as the magnificent sharknado slowly tears apart the continent  
GG: dont forget the beautiful shark princess that he falls in loooveee with!!!  
TT: Is the princess herself a legitimate shark?  
TT: I need clarification so I can have a truly accurate perception of this up and coming masterpiece.  
TG: shes a shark in a coconut bra and a cheap blonde wig  
GG: no shes . . .  
GG: a sharkie!  
GT: sharkie??!?  
GG: like selkie  
GG: but with sharks  
GT: neat.  
TG: whats a selkie  
TT: Seal in the water, human on land.  
TT: Have you heard of Google before, Dave?  
TG: no  
TG: whats that  
TG: it sounds like a tv show for kids where puppets sing about the pitfalls of improper behavior in friendships  
TG: no strawberry sally its not nice to call lindsay lemon a punkass bitch behind her back  
GT: that’s what it is.  
GT: you’re a good guesser dave.  
TG: thank you i try  
TG: shit  
TG: my iphone battery is dying one sec  
TG: might as well use this convenient segue to go find a comfortable spot near an outlet to hunker down for the night  
GG: :(  
GG: dave im so sorry  
TG: its chill im alright dont worry about it  
TG: i can survive by catching and cooking wild airport rats for the time being  
TG: maybe ill be able to join one of the legendary airport clans  
TG: the vicious delta warriors  
TG: or the noble sages who dwell in the gates under uniteds domain  
TG: anyway yeah this thing is really fucking dead im outie  
GT: bye dave. :(  
TT: Goodbye. I’ll talk to you soon.  
GG: bye dave!!! D:

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased responding to memo --

GT: so that’s it huh.  
GT: we really just aren’t going to get to see each other?  
TT: No. No we aren’t.  
GT: but that’s not fair!!!  
GT: UGH.  
GT: i wish i could control the weather so i could make it BEHAVE for a little bit.  
GT: who knows how long it’s going to be before we get another chance to do this?  
GG: i dont know :(  
GG: maybe it will be soon?  
TT: I hope so.  
GG: uh oh guys i have to get back on the plane!!  
GG: ill talk to you guys in fourteen hours i guess  
GT: bye jade i am sorry you have to be on the plane for so long.  
TT: Bye, Jade.  
GG: bye

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased responding to memo --

TT: And then there were two.  
GT: rose?  
TT: Yes?  
GT: do you think there will ever be a real movie about the sharknado.  
TT: We can only hope.  
GT: hope and pray.  
TT: And wish.  
GT: and hope.  
TT: Now I have a question for you.  
GT: go ahead.  
TT: Do you think this is ever going to work out? Us meeting up, I mean.  
TT: I’d been so sure about this one, John, and you know I’d never put my trust in blind assumptions.  
TT: This might sound a bit obnoxious and self aggrandizing but I’m not usually wrong when I get such a strong feeling on things.  
GT: no you’re pretty much never wrong.  
GT: maybe you just wanted it so badly that you sort of made yourself feel like it was going to happen??  
TT: Probably.  
GT: but i mean it HAS to work someday.  
GT: we are going to make it work okay rose!!  
GT: i think if you try hard enough at something you are sure to get it some day.  
TT: Of course you think that John.  
GT: what’s that supposed to mean?  
TT: Nothing. It’s just very . . . you.  
TT: I’m going to go now.  
TT: I have to go put the cot and sheets from the spare room away, if I don’t do it now it’ll never get done.  
GT: hahaha okay rose.  
GT: i think im gonna go just . . . take a nap i guess?  
TT: sleep well.  
GT: . . . yeah.  
GT: i’ll try.  
GT: bye rose.  
TT: Goodbye

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased responding to memo --

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] closed memo on board best friend funtime extravaganza :D!!! --

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] renamed board best friend funtime extravaganza :D!!! to memo board --

* * * 

\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] opened a memo on board Exciting News! --

GG: As you can tell, we’ve just gotten some very exciting news! 

\-- golgothasTerror [GT] began responding to memo --

GT: yes as a matter of fact we do!  
GG: Gah!  
GG: Where are those slippery friends of ours?  
GG: I’m on the edge of my seat right now to spit this news out, and they’re making a lady wait!  
GT: how positively ghastly of them.  
GT: im sure theyll show up soon enough though those two are always online doing one thing or another.  
GT: unless of course strider has his noggin abreast a jet of hot water or to.  
GT: i cant fathom how one could spend so much time dillydallying about in the shower when theres exciting news afoot!  
GG: You said it!

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began responding to memo --

TG: yo y o y oy yo yo  
TG: wha tsall the hubbub bubds  
TG: spill tha beans  
GG: I can’t until Dirk gets here!!  
GT: where the blazes is that enigmatic gent of mine?  
GT: i swear trying to pin down that bloke is like trying to shoot a fly from a mile away!  
TG: yeha hes a flihgty on e our distryi  
TG: i think hes showernign or smthing?  
GG: Does he even sleep, what with the amount of showering he does?

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began responding to memo --

TT: As a matter of fact, I do not sleep.  
TT: Sleep is for those who have not reached cognitive enlightenment like me.  
TT: Turns out? Showering for an hour or so is a perfectly acceptable replacement for a good night’s sleep.  
TT: Just jump in that nice steamy cubicle for an hour or so and then blast yourself with and arctic river right before you bail the fuck out of there and you’ll be fresh as a daisy.  
TT: I haven’t properly slept since November.  
TT: Productivity has increased tenfold.  
TT: Enough about that, though.  
TT: Drop the fresh info JCrocks.   
GG: Alright! Hoo hoo hoo!  
GG: Jake is going to come live with me!   
TG: omGgGGGggg!!   
TT: Woah hold on there for a moment.  
TT: When did this happen.   
GT: Well your respective guardians have been talking about it for a week or so ever since i decided to pony up the true info about my grandmother.   
TT: Oh.  
TT: So you're leaving the island?   
GT: yes its about time i go somewhere new!  
GT: an island is an adventurous place to live but you cant have a true adventure without leaving home for a mystical far off land!   
GG: Jake, you do realize I live in Seattle, right?  
GG: It’s not exactly known for being an enchanted land of excitement!   
GT: well then what is it known for!   
TT: Rain, mostly.   
GG: Precisely.   
GT: jolly good jolly good!  
GT: well im excited nonetheless.  
GT: any new experience can be an adventure if you get yourself in the right mindset for it.   
GG: Well I certainly don’t see why not. :B   
TG: so u 2 r gonna be like  
TG: liviving 2gether and everthying??  
TG: like full on legetiment rommies   
GT: the best pair of rommates there ever were.   
TT: Are you sure this is a good idea?  
TT: I can see the appeal in spending large amounts of time with your friends but this kind of situation is where all of the nasty idiosyncrasies come out of hiding.   
GG: Oh I’m sure we’ll be getting along fine, Dirk!  
GG: Stop being such a spoilsport.   
TT: This is really uncautious of you Jane.  
TT: And I mean isn’t your house a bit . . . small, not to be rude?   
GG: Well yes, it is, but there’s enough room for another person in here. Besides, doesn’t your apartment only have one room?  
GG: And I’m exacting the perfect amount of caution thank you very much!  
GG: Frankly you’re being a bit sharp with me Strider and I don’t like it.   
TG: (gulps)   
GT: ((double gulps!!))   
TT: For christ’s sake we can see you typing.  
TT: I’m not trying to be sharp, Jane, I’m just trying to be practical.   
GG: Practical!!  
GG: Would you rather he spent the rest of his life alone on his island?   
GT: if i may butt in for a moment?   
TT: Not right now Jake.   
GT: erm.  
GT: alrighty then!  
GT: ill just scooch off to the sidelines for a few seconds here before i end up screwing the pooch on this whole debacle.   
TG: (the tenshioun is like hella rising rn)  
TG: (a friece barttle of wits arisws)  
TG: (do u tihnk theyr e going to kiss?)   
GG: Roxy!!   
TG: shh jane u cant hear dese mesgages they r 4 tha jakester.   
GG: :/   
TG: ( ;) lmao she doesnt know a THIGNK aburt what ewere doin over here)   
GG: ://  
TT: Back to the point.  
TT: Of course I don’t want him to live alone, what kind of fucking piece of trash friend do you take me for?  
TT: I’d just like to know why none of this was even discussed before it was decided upon.  
TT: Isn’t this the kind of situation that should be addressed as a group?  
TT: It’s a major decision.  
GG: I wasn’t exactly consulted either! I just found out a few hours before making this board.  
TT: Then how did this get decided on if apparently nobody in this conversation had any say in it?  
GT: er well i did have a bit of a say in it considering this is sort of my business and the like.  
GG: This may come as a shock to you but the actual decision making came from the adults this time around!  
TG: omg yeah now i rembeber tha mom was metniong talking 2 daddy crocks and dave strideezy a lil while ago  
TT: Bro didn’t say anything to me.  
GG: Which is part of the reason I think Jake would be best off with me and Dad, by the way.  
TT: What the hell do you mean by that?  
TG: (oh nooo here we go)  
GT: (whoa nelly weve just took a bit of a turn for the nasty havent we?)  
TG: (duck n cover jakeyjakes shit si abnout to vKLOW)  
TG: ((blow*))  
GG: Well erm . . .  
GG: To be frank Roxy’s mother and your brother aren’t the most parental people around.  
GG: I just don’t think that’s the best sort of environment to introduce someone to society in!  
TT: Are you saying my brother isn’t good enough?  
TT: He raised me all by himself and I turned out just fucking fine.  
TT: Listen. Whatever. I get it.  
TT: Decision’s already made.  
TT: But y’know, thanks for talking shit about my upbringing  
TT: I’m not in the mood for this now. I have other projects to work on.  
TT: Let’s talk again when you’re ready to be civil.  
GG: Dirk!!!  
GG: Just wait a moment!

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased responding to memo --

GG: Ugh!!  
GG: He’s being completely ridiculous!  
GT: er well in his defense you both were being a bit standoffish there.  
GT: hopped in guns ablaze and the like.  
TG: yeah i mean i kno shes not the bes tmom in the workdld or nuthin btu shes mom and i still lvoe her  
GG: Oh shucks, I’ve gone and made a real mess of things havent I?  
GT: yes id say thats a rather accurate descriptor for the earlier tomfoolery.  
TG: yeaahhh i mean stri er was being abit ofa cocnkmunch but u were being one too  
GG: I know. I know.  
GG: I was being rightly awful.  
GG: Jake, Roxy, I’m sorry. Can you forgive me?  
TG: will u mail me pie again?  
GG: Yes!  
TG: then yes.  
GT: of course i forgive you!  
GT: despite the discombobulated animosity i know you really do just have my best interests at heart.  
GT: you and dirk both.  
GG: I suppose I owe him an apology too.  
TG: amdn straight  
TG: i kno he com es off p arrongt but he really does lok up 2 his bro alot so hes probably takign it kinda hard  
GG: Goodness gracious.  
GG: I have to talk to him. I can’t let one of my best friends in the world hate me.  
GG: I’ll talk to you later, and Jake - I’ll see you very soon!  
TG: l8rrrr  
GT: goodbye!

\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased responging to memo --

GT: well that was a mess.   
TG: u can sya that 10x mroe  
TG: thetyre boths o stuBBORN how do the y do it   
GT: heavens only knows.  
GT: im surprised that dirk had that sort of an outburst it isnt like him.   
TG: tbh i think hes a bit ljeauous of janen gettin 2 spend time with u an dwhatevs   
GT: ah.  
GT: i see.  
GT: well thank you as always for being a rock in the storm roxy!  
GT: dealing with those two when theyre in a tizzy is like dealing with a tornado.  
GT: full of sharks.   
TG: a sharknado if u will . .  
TG: and yw <33   
GT: *double pistols and a wink*   
TG: sWOOON  
TG: ur a hot comomndidty apparently eonglish   
GT: ill admit im starting to feel a bit like a potato during an irish famine.   
TG: id eat u up boi ;)  
TG: annyways imgonna hit the highyway  
TG: got a bit of writign 2 catch up on.   
GT: ta for now!   
TG: catch u l8s  
TG: ps i totally thought they we re gonna smoocuh  
TG: smooch*

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased responding to memo --

GT: sigh.  
GT: what a day its been already.

\-- golgothasTerror [GT] ceased responding to memo --

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The beta kids half of today's update brought to you by me having to spend 8 straight hours in the lobby of the hilton hotel in niagara falls, after taking a plane earlier that morning, then spend the next 6 hours travelling by bus in a pathetically fruitless endeavor to meet my internet friends. The polar vortex can kiss my ass.


	6. March 23rd, 24th, 2011

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everyone's queer: the fanfiction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may be under the impression that it has been literally months since i have updated, but i assure you, this is just a farce. Shhhhh. Shh . . . .

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \-- 

TT: You’re online at awfully strange hours of the night, aren’t you Strider?  
TT: Hours of the morning.Technicalities, Lalonde. It’s 3:15 in the morning here in the li’l ol’ Lone Star State.  
TT: It’s so very Texan to name a state after the national equivalent of a temper tantrum.  
TT: We’re that 7 year old kid who runs away from home and the cops get called but they find little Junior tuckered out hiding in some cabinet when he came back after he ran out of fruit snacks about 5 minutes into the debacle.  
TT: Accurate name, though, what with all the light pollution. Looking out my window in Houston doesn’t exactly lend itself to spectacular stargazing. One star all on its own makes a pathetic impression. It’s like getting a tiny little bleach stain on a black shirt.  
TT: It’s just sort of there, and annoying, without any aesthetic value.  
TT: That’s what you get for being the best and brightest, pal. Outshining all of your peers and managing to pierce your way through the endless cloud of smog only make you stand out in a bad way.  
TT: Lone Star State my ass.  
TT: . . .   
TT: Wait never mind, that was a plane.  
TT: No Star State.  
TT: Poetic waxing about stars aside, what are you up to this late?  
TT: Don’t you dare call my rant about that poser star poetic.  
TT: Stars don’t deserve poetry. They’re balls of hot gas burning up in the middle of space and they already have a disproportionate amount of lyrical verse pertaining to them.  
TT: If you’re going to write poetry about something at least write it pertaining to a topic with a little more inherit majesty than something that can be scientifically classified as a ‘gas giant’.  
TT: Pray tell, what subjects does the omniscient second Strider consider worthy of prose?  
TT: Shit, I don’t know, not all of us spend so much time letting loose our perfumey traps.  
TT: Horses. Horses are now officially the only acceptable topics of poetry, and remain one of the three acceptable subjects of paintings.  
TT: Of course. Horses. I feel foolish for not reaching this conclusion by myself.  
TT: As you should. I expect someone with your obvious literary prowess and superior intellect to be a little bit more savvy.  
TT: Apologies. I’ll try harder in the future. You still haven’t answered my question.  
TT: I’ll answer your question on one condition.  
TT: Oh?  
TT: Write horse poetry. Right now.  
TT: Thy steed of light and graceful divine  
TT: The westbound sun that streaks the sky  
TT: Stalwart sinew trims firmest of thighs  
TT: Manes in the breeze as legs intertwine  
TT: Imbibing sunset like burgundy wine  
TT: Wind whipping forward an unlikely ally  
TT: Trampled ground submits to the mighty equine  
TT: Dust abandons stagnation at kick of their hooves  
TT: Fluidly drifting through midwestern farms  
TT: Glowing in starlight that peeks over rooves  
TT: Gated in stables and guarded from harm  
TT: Bridles burdened with well worn grooves  
TT: Working their keep at the beck of an arm.  
TT: No bad for being put on the spot, Lalonde.  
TT: I more than half expected you to squirm through a loophole and give me a half assed haiku, or god forbid free verse.  
TT: I have no disrespect for free verse poetry as a medium to convey one’s thoughts but when stylistically used for impromptu poetry it comes across as lazy and would imply that one had a distinct lack of knowledge of the literature’s technicalities.  
TT: I especially enjoy how you took the opportunity to juxtapose wild horses with their farmhand equivalent, while still paying equal respect to both.  
TT: Anything less than a sonnet would be insulting to the both of us, Strider.  
TT: The question stands: what are you doing awake at this time?  
TT: Hate to disappoint you but I’m just talking to Jake. Hardly anything worth getting your purple panties in a gordian knot over.  
TT:Quite the contrary, that’s exactly the answer I was hoping for.  
TT: Well shit, guess you caught me red handed.  
TT: Call the fucking police, Dirk Strider has a friend. In a different timezone.  
TT: Sick fucks like that should be locked up for life.  
TT: I take it that things aren’t going to well between the two of you.   
TT: Well that’s certainly a perplexing and invasive comment you’ve just thought up there. Why would things be going badly between us. Our friendship is fine.  
TT: But you don’t want to be friends with Jake.  
TT: Of course I do. Nice of you to baselessly accuse me of being a piece of shit poorly disguised as a friend though.  
TT: He’s never going to let himself admit that he knows you’re flirting with him.  
TT: He just won’t.  
TT: Despite his adventuresome exoskeleton he’s not as willing to explore change as he thinks he is, so he ends up intentionally pulling wool over his own eyes.  
TT: You’re going to have to be a little bit more forward than you have been.  
TT: Do you really think I don’t know that?  
TT: No. I’m perfectly aware of the extent to which you understand Jake. I just think you need to be called out on it otherwise you’re just going to sit there wallowing and it’s become a bit grating at this point.  
TT: Mind your own fucking business, holy shit.  
TT: It’s okay you know.  
TT: Stop patronizing me.  
TT: Nobody will treat you any differently if they know you’re gay.  
TT: I’m not gay.  
TT: You like boys.  
TT: That doesn’t automatically mean I’m gay.  
TT: You identify as male?  
TT: Yes.  
TT: Can you picture yourself being attracted to anyone who doesn’t identify as male?  
TT: There’s no way of knowing that. I can’t see the future, I have no idea who I’m going to be attracted to.  
TT: Apologies, that was worded improperly.  
TT: Does it make you uncomfortable to picture yourself ending up with anyone but another man?  
TT: Listen Lalonde, I am not gay.  
TT: I don’t care about your yaoi fetish but stop letting it warp your perspective of other people’s lives.  
TT: Alright then, what about you makes you fall into the category of anything but homosexuality?  
TT: This is ridiculous. Why does it matter to you whether or not I’m gay?  
TT: I believe it’s my turn to set some standards.  
TT: I’ll tell you what’s going through my head if you tell me what’s going through yours.  
TT: It’s late and I am tired but not yet willing to abandon such a riveting dialogue, but it would be nice if everything didn’t have to be a federal fucking issue all the time, don’t you agree?  
TT: I’ve read textbooks about World War II more relaxing than this crude parody of an amiable conversation.  
TT: Alright. You really want to know so fucking badly?  
TT: I’m gay. I’m a huge fucking faggot. You figured me out.  
TT: Congratulations. Have fun spending the rest of the evening stroking your ego so firmly it borders on masturbation.  
TT: I also can’t wait for the thinly veiled jokes at my expense that are sure to follow.  
TT: My turn.  
TT: Im gay too.  
TT: A huge fucking homo.  
TT: Wait, what?  
TT: Thinking about coming out makes me . . . uncomfortable, to say the least.  
TT: I’ve known for a couple of years now but it took awhile to accept it.  
TT: It seemed . . . contradictory.  
TT: Oh.  
TT: That’s understandable.  
TT: So what was the point in bringing all of this up.  
TT: I don’t know. It’s late and I’m feeling particularly homosexual and why the hell should this be something I have to lie about.  
TT: You know, Dirk, you and I aren't so different.  
TT: God forbid I confide in a friend.  
TT: That’s a terrible idea. It’ll never work out for you. 0/10.  
TT: Damn it. Coaxed into a SNAFU once more.  
TT: Can I ask one more question?  
TT: I can’t exactly stop you.  
TT: You could chose not to answer me.  
TT: I won’t.  
TT: What the hell are YOU doing up so late?  
TT: Reading.  
TT: Tentacle porn Harry Potter slashfic?  
TT: No no, I’ve already read all of those. This is original work. Rated PG-13 of all things. It’s called Wizard Herbert and the Mobius Slipknot.  
TT: Okay you being gay is one thing but reading non pornographic original writing is where I draw the fucking line.  
TT: You’re bullshitting me.  
TT: Sadly no, but I’ve just finished a chapter and I’d like to get to sleep before the sun rises.  
TT: Goodnight Dirk.  
TT: Night. 

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--  
* * *  
\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering golgothasTherror [GT] \--

GT: hey jake!  
GT: Ahoy john!  
GT: How are you doing lad?  
GT: ugh. fine  
GT: but kind of pissed off!  
GT: What ever for?  
GT: just really stupids stuff!  
GT: kids at school you know?  
GT: You arent being bullied are you?  
GT: John if youre being harrassed by neerdowells youve just got to bite that bullet and challenge the rapscallion in charge to a quick bout of fisticuffs.  
GT: Thatll stop the lot of them!  
GT: jake i’m really sorry to have to be the one to crush your dreams but real life isn’t movies.  
GT: you can’t stop bullies in real school it’s just impossible the teachers don’t care at all!  
GT: and i mean i guess they aren’t even really bullying me they’re just being super annoying.  
GT: Well what did they do?  
GT: so i was in art class and i was painting!  
GT: John i didnt know you liked art.  
GT: i don’t hahaha i just thought that the class would be easy.  
GT: i was wrong jake.  
GT: i was very very wrong.  
GT: so i was painting and my hair was kind of in the way so the art teacher lent me this headband to push it up.  
GT: and then these JERKS from another table starting shouting at me and laughing!  
GT: they said i looked like a girl.  
GT: I find that right there a bit of a convoluted catchphrase.  
GT: What on gods great green earth is wrong with looking at a girl!  
GT: nothing!   
GT: at least, not in my opinion.  
GT: i was kind of mad though.  
GT: but then i realized that they were being really stupid because wow apparently being a girl is the most terrible thing in the world now.  
GT: it’s so dumb how girls can dress like boys buy boys can’t dress lke girls it doesn’t make any sense.  
GT: I concur!  
GT: . . .  
GT: Do you ever sometimes feel like maybe you shouldnt have been born a boy?  
GT: no not really i like being a boy.  
GT: but i mean.  
GT: that’s an okay thing to feel.  
GT: maybe you’re like rose?  
GT: No no i don’t think so.  
GT: I dont think im supposed to be a girl im just not so sure if im supposed to be a boy!  
GT: Being a lad is tip top and all but it puts you in a bit of a bind when it comes to frocks and other such frilly things!  
GT: So what if a bloke wants to throw on a gown or two? To that one just has to send their hats skywards and shout pshaw!  
GT: To think that the turn of the century hadnt left such prudish pedantry in the dust along with their outdated notions of womanhood!  
GT: I daresay the very thought leaves my knickers more twisted than a sows tail.  
GT: yeah its dumb.  
GT: And good lord in heaven forbid that us men be anything but strapping walls of fearless meat who tote swooning dames off into a cinematic sunset!  
GT: The world is a realm of limitless wonders! Perhaps it’d be prudent to be open to other things.  
GT: I wouldnt be rebuked by the thought of being toted off into the sunset myself should the occasion arise and if any naysayers wish to take up arms to me then they can dispute with the business end of a pistol.  
GT: i just wish people could do what they wanted without getting bullied for it.  
GT: its so stupid that girls have to act one way and boys have to act another way and wear different clothes and get treated differently!  
GT: girls get to have all of the pretty clothes and makeup and stuff boy clothes are so boring.  
GT: and you know what else is stupid????  
GT: PAINTING.  
GT: it’s hard and it sucks and art class is terrible geez.  
GT: how do dirk and jade and everybody draw so good?  
GT: i could never use jade’s pictionary modus.  
GT: I absolutely positutely concur with that!  
GT: Drawing is the devils hobby.  
GT: I havent the foggiest how some of our friends can be so dangblasted spiffy at it!  
GT: He doesnt try most of the time but this sides strider is rather tops at whipping up a portrait or two when it fits his fiddle.  
GT: yeah!!  
GT: and when dave isn’t being a huge shitty trashbaby with his dumb comic he can draw pretty good. and i know the lalondes aren’t half bad.  
GT: hehe now that i’m thinking about it dave is actually pretty artsy with his drawings and his photography and stuff. i bet dave is one of those nerdy art kids at his school.  
GT: man i wish i had a cool talent!  
GT: Hogwash!  
GT: Youre plenty talented and i will not allow *any* contention on the subject.  
GT: Why any feisty fella like yourself is simply brimming with personality and im sure theres talent to boot.  
GT: Id bet my bottom buck on you buster!  
GT: man, i don’t know jake.  
GT: sometimes i feel like i don’t really do anything but sit in front of my computer and spend all day messing around and stuff!  
GT: like rose is always writing her wizard fanfics and dave has his blog and jade does her crazy mad science on hellmurder island.  
GT: and then theres me just kind of here doing my own thing!  
GT: ugh. it’s like . . .  
GT: you know how in sitcoms there’s always that one really boring normal dude who just is there to balance out all of his friends wacky antics and stuff?  
GT: i am the guy. it’s me.  
GT: Oh dont be so daft egbert!  
GT: I dont do anything particularly interesting but all of my friends still enjoy my company.  
GT: At least it seems as if they do!  
GT: I doubt theyd be so petty as to talk to someone who they find a mite lackluster out of onus for social connections.  
GT: i guess not.  
GT: still doesn’t make me feel any less stupid though!  
GT: like maybe you don’t have any super cool creative hobbies but you still do sciencey stuff too and you’re always having adventures on your island, right?  
GT: Not since moving in with jane but i used to and the city is quite and adventure in and of itself!  
GT: SEE?  
GT: thats interesting.  
GT: Well . . . what do you *like* to do?  
GT: . . . ugh I DON’T KNOW.  
GT: i like to talk to my friends.  
GT: My only advice for you then would be to stick with that.  
GT: i guess you’re right . . .  
GT: i should go. 

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT] \--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about this chapter. I just couldn't get it right.


	7. April 10th, 2011

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things Continue To Happen

April 10th, 2011

GG: so the secret ingredient in all betty crocker brand products is . . . hate?  
GG: Yup! :B  
GG: Normally it’s love in these sorts of situations but from what I’ve heard, Great Nanna Betty had some . . . uhh. Issues, I guess is the simplest way to put it.  
GG: What’s the secret to Skaianet’s success? You have to tell me now, you promised!  
GG: okay i will tell you as long as you dont use it for evil!!!!  
GG: Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.  
GG: I will use this information for nothing worse than chaotic neutral.  
GG: jaaaaannnnneee!!!!  
GG: Hoo hoo hoo!  
GG: dont you hoo hoo me missy!  
GG: Sorry.  
GG: okay the secret to skaianets super cool awesome technology is . . .  
GG: more dots for suspense lol ……………………  
GG: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
GG: HIGH QUALITY PARTS AND WELL PAID DOMESTIC WORKERS  
GG: GASP.  
GG: You mean the secret to quality was . . . quality?  
GG: Now that I know the dastardly truth about Skaianet, I can use it to take you down, and gain supreme control over the electronics market!  
GG: oh noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!! D:  
GG: i was a fool who fell for your maidenly charm and now i have been coaxed into revealing my tender feminine secrets to you!  
GG: You were! But it’s okay. It’s very hard to withstand the feminine wiles of the famed Jane Crocker.  
GG: Once the news breaks that Skaianet HASN’T committed any human rights violations, you’ll be ruined!  
GG: :’(  
GG: :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’(  
GG: :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’(  
GG: Are you quite done yet?  
GG: almost!!!!  
GG: :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’(  
GG: there we go  
GG: >:\  
GG: :D  
GG: Pfft!  
GG: So what’s it like, already being in charge of your own multimillion dollar business?  
GG: its kind of stressful!  
GG: grandpa taught me the best he could but im still only 15 and its a LOT of work!  
GG: for the past year or so ive been doing most of the product development myself but im not great at the pr side of stuff . . .  
GG: growing up on the island hasnt exactly made me all that great at talking to people!!  
GG: Well, you’re doing fine talking to me.  
GG: yeah but thats different, youre my friend.  
GG: i just wish i had some help you know?  
GG: i always knew this is going to be my job but it never really seemed like a real thing until grandpa died!  
GG: i miss him so much . . .  
GG: honeslty im not entirely sure he would like what im doing with skaianet :C  
GG: Poppycock! I know Jake and I know that there’s no version of him that wouldn’t be proud of you.  
GG: Have you considered maybe . . . stepping down and taking a break?  
GG: O: of course not!  
GG: grandpa built this company from the ground up i couldnt just leave it in the hands of some stranger  
GG: Not even for a little bit though?  
GG: I mean, we are only children. Maybe we don’t have to be taking on such responsibilities just yet.  
GG: There have to be other people capable of doing the jobs that you’re trying to accomplish.  
GG: I know Jake isn’t running anything yet, even though he’s technically C.E.O of Skaianet on this side of the interdimensional pond.  
GG: i guess i just dont really think i should put off learning!  
GG: i know its hard now but if i try hard enough ill definitely get the hang of it  
GG: True!  
GG: I guess I’m one to talk, planning to step into the role that’s been set aside for me as soon as I come of age, but if you’re unhappy, then you really need to make sure it’s the right choice!  
GG: i dont know if im UNHAPPY really . . . im just kind of  
GG: Kind of what?  
GG: scared  
GG: lonely  
GG: this is hard and none of my friends are here to help me and grandpa is dead and bec is a dog and im all alone!  
GG: Jade . . .  
GG: i know i know im being dumb i just  
GG: i dont know how much harder i can work at this  
GG: Jade!  
GG: Seriously. I know that sometimes it can be even harder to give up but right now I think it’s the only choice.  
GG: Take a break!  
GG: Catch up with you have to do!  
GG: Do something childish and fun!  
GG: . . . i think youre right jane :c  
GG: Hmph! Of course I am.  
GG: Us heiresses have to look out for each other you know, being so important is a big responsibility.  
GG: true it is very hard to be so smart and important and great!  
GG: And pretty - don’t forget pretty!  
GG: O: of course! how could i?  
GG: thank you for the advice jane i really needed to hear that i think!  
GG: but whats going on with you?? how is it living with jake!!  
GG: Hoo, boy well!  
GG: It’s certainly. Different.  
GG: D:  
GG: No no no, don’t get me wrong!  
GG: That came out a bit more critical than I had intended. Jake’s great, believe me.  
GG: It’s just . . . different!  
GG: That’s really the only word for it. Suddenly the house’s dynamic is all thrown off!  
GG: It’s like having a brother.  
GG: with the weird side effect of you having a big crush on him!  
GG: Ugh. Don’t remind me!  
GG: Do you have any idea how conflicting it is to have a crush on someone who is essentially your sibling?  
GG: i think i actually might . . .  
GG: I mean . . .  
GG: He’s just so MESSY and everything he says is so LOUD!  
GG: lol yeah that sounds about right!  
GG: He leaves wet towel on the ground. Wet towels. Just takes them off and drops them RIGHT ON THE FLOOR IN THE HALLWAY.  
GG: And of COURSE I’m nice about it, every time I’ll just gently remind him that if he would care to walk about 10 feet the hamper is RIGHT THERE and that’s a perfect place for wet towels to go.  
GG: . . .  
GG: I think I may need to start stuffing them in his pillowcase.  
GG: hehehe you totally should!  
GG: he probably won’t even notice until theres at least three of them in there  
GG: No, probably not.  
GG: That boy is so unobservant I still have to wonder how he managed to survive on that island all by himself!  
GG: I’m beginning to think he hasn’t done quite the amount of adventuring he claims.  
GG: im sure he probably has!  
GG: grandpa was a great adventurer even when he was jakes age  
GG: i see no reason jake should be different!  
GG: Maybe!  
GG: But still, I don’t think our transdimensional counterparts are as similar as the shallow facts seem to suggest.  
GG: It’s hard to imagine being the same person I am now if I was brought up by an entirely different person . . .  
GG: hmm . . . i wonder just HOW different everything is?  
GG: im gonna go make some notes!! talk to you later!!!!  
GG: Bye Jade!!

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] has ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] \--

* * *

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TG: pennny for ur toughts  
TG: a penny  
TG: really  
TG: thats cheap even for you lalonde its like you have absolutely no respect for the sacrality that is the strider mind temple  
TG: my brains are like the fucking library of alexandria all the worlds knowledge is kept in there and everyone with half an ounce of sense to them is getting on their boats or donkey carts or whatever form of transportation then used back then who gives a shit but the point is theyre commuting to the holy house of striderthought to peruse the greatest intellectual treasure that has ever existed  
TG: and then comes along roxy rolal lalonde with her torches and armies and she just tramples the god damned place into a pile of rubble and dust and OH SHIT what do we do now  
TG: guess we start over learning shit again  
TG: but youre just like  
TG: heres a penny for your troubles  
TG: i guess back then in whenfuckingever bc a penny might have been worth a bit though adjusting for inflation  
TG: mmmkay  
TG: so  
TG: what chu thinkin about strideezy  
TG: the inevitability of death  
TG: whatcha rly thinkin bout  
TG: mozarella sticks  
TG: HOLLLLAAAA  
TG: i am all ABOUT that noise son  
TG: what the hot gossip on the fried cheese front  
TG: the hot gossip is that there is no gossip  
TG: theres no mozarella sticks  
TG: just me and my hopes and my dreams  
TG: omg . . . tragic  
TG: *8puors one out fo fr my homie*  
TG: y dont u go n get some???  
TG: see the thing about that is that it is literally ninety-fucking-four degrees out there  
TG: in april  
TG: global warming has never been realer  
TG: thanks obama for melting the ice caps and sending record high heatwaves to houston  
TG: i knew i should have voted republican  
TG: so basically if i want to get a bite to eat around this damn place i either have to get up on my own two legs and walk there or somehow convince bro to abandon what hes doing leave the house get in his shitty scrap pile of a car drive me to the nearest sonic wait for the food to get delivered and drive back home  
TG: so basically  
TG: not happening  
TG: thos hsfe sufcking dmeomoncrates . . . they dont want us 2 have mozarella sssrix  
TG: sweet zombie jesus roxy how did you manage to get that much drunker in the two minutes it took me to talk about getting fast food  
TG: do you have an iv drip that directly injects alcohol into your bloodstream or have your bodily fluids just kind of fermented at this point so you can turn the permabuzz up a few notches whenever you need to  
TG: awwwwwwwwwwwwww yuoure so mean daveverydaves!  
TG: how long od u thkhign it t ake sme to do a coudlpa dovdka shots. . . hin t  
TG: not more thna 2 minutes  
TG: vodka*8  
TG: youre like fifteen you shouldnt just be nonchalantly tossing back a few glasses of hard liquor at 4 in the afternoon  
TG: yOURE 15 2 u shudlount be one hdunered percents resposnbible for feedin rg urself everyda y  
TG: stop being so melodramatic its not like im being starved or anything  
TG: bro gives me money and i buy the food i like big whoop right  
TG: so what  
TG: least i aint spending it all on booze  
TG: i dont een gotta spend any money i jsut taekt eh stuff mom buyss she neer even noticed  
TG: and youre ok with that  
TG: wat  
TG: with alternate rose not even paying enough attention to you to noticed that you spend 99% of your time completely hammered  
TG: shes buzzssyyyy  
TG: and i mean im not excrtavly going out of my wahys to let her in on my lil hobbiby  
TG: exatacly**  
TG: ectracxly***  
TG: FUCK lmao  
TG: you know what screw it  
TG: maybe ill actually  
TG: put on a god damned pair of shorts for once in my life english would be so proud of me  
TG: go out there and face the head like a man  
TG: im gonna make those mozzarella sticks my BITCH  
TG: HELL YA  
TG: hell fucking yes  
TG: but w8 actually d not go rn  
TG: what why not  
TG: dont you want me to be happy  
TG: ya but im looonneeeyyly  
TG: chat with me for like  
TG: 5 more min mmmkay  
TG: okay but like  
TG: do you actually have anything to say or are you just bored because i for real havent eaten all day and those greasy fried hunks of lactate in a cardboard can are kind of calling to me right now  
TG: im a sailor on a tumulous and unforgiving sea named public school cafeteria food and in the distance  
TG: land  
TG: from which beautiful mer sirens are calling all at me like  
TG: hey dave come over here theres a totally rad chain of fast food restaurants named after an anthropomorphic videogame hedgehog just sitting here and waiting for you to literally eat everything  
TG: oh shit EVERYTHING  
TG: yeah man everything  
TG: literally just stick your head under the soft serve dispenser its chill bro its hot out  
TG: we get it  
TG: y r mermraindsserving fast food  
TG: you arent paying any attention at all one theyre sirens and two they are directing me to the island where the fast food is served theyre like  
TG: aquatic signage  
TG: next exit 229 theres a starbucks  
TG: you know that kind of roadside garbage  
TG: omg hun listtern if ur that houngry u can go ok il lbe ifne  
TG: me n my kitties dhere jus tprobsises gonna dick around on tha snees until someone else gets online  
TG: k chill cya in a bit  
TG: byeeee oxoxoxoo

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] \--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its been four motnhs . ..


	8. May 18th, 2011

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exposition.doc

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It hasn't even been a full month yet! Are you proud of me, guys?

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] has opened a memo on board Trans-dimensional Party Board Science Chat Y2K --

GG: ladies and gentlemen and others of the jury!!!!!!

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began responding to memo --

GT: wait who is ‘others’?  
GG: i dont know i am just trying to be inclusive!!  
GT: oh okay that makes sense i guess!

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began responding to memo --

TT: Wait, why are we a jury now?  
TT: Did I miss some sort of trial while I was in the shower.  
TT: I wouldn’t put it past all of you to make important decisions of life or death without me.

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began responding to memo --

TG: name something yuo HANVNT missed while ur in tha shower  
TG: lmao sometimes ur n there liek twice a day  
TG: do u rly gotta jerky ur dirky that frequently or r u just bored  
GT: ew.  
GG: double ew  
TT: Don’t be so crass, Roxy.  
TT: I was never baptized - I’m simply trying to cleanse myself of sin in the purifying steam of the Strider temple.  
TT: Basting in coconut scented goop is my way to salvation.  
TT: And to think you have the gall imply that I would violate myself in the holiest of all common household locations.  
TG: 4giv me i did not reazlize it was sio pimperative  
TG: imperative*  
TG: lmao nevermind pimp is wayyyy better

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began responding to memo --

TT: Hello everyone.  
TT: Sorry for the delay I had to make sure this wouldn’t turn into an overblown rant about Dirk’s erection before I decided to risk it.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began responding to memo --

TG: dont worry this is gonna be an overblown rant about my erection instead  
TG: this could go on for awhile so brace yourselves

\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] began responding to memo --

GG: Nooooope!  
GG: Nuh uh. Nope.  
GG: No.  
GG: Shut it down, we are NOT talking about anybody’s peep in the group chat!  
TG: peep  
TG: that makes it sound like a fluffy baby chicken if were gonna stick with bird related euphemisms for genetalia can we either use cock or come up with something a bit more elegant  
TG: peep just isnt nearly majestic enough a word to describe my boner  
GG: SHUT.  
GG: IT.  
GG: DOWN.  
GT: seconded!  
TG: thrided  
GG: fourthed o:  
TT: Fifthed.  
TT: . . .  
TT: I’ll allow it.  
GT: dude that’s pretty gross and incesty.  
TT: I’m a firm believer in freedom of expression.  
GG: well im sorry but this is not a democracy!!!  
GG: shut up about your penis dave  
TG: weait a minuet i thgout this was a jury doesnt that imply a lil bit of dmcoraticf procedures rite there  
TT: I’d have to agree with Roxy, earlier we were established as a jury so I think it’s only fair that we carry our proceedings on in a judicial fashion.

\-- golgothasTerror [GT] began responding to memo --

GT: After reading the backlog i have got to agree with ms lalonde here!  
GT: Then again the motion *was* fifthed so its less of a predicament than wed all thought initially and dave should probably just stop gabbing about his schlong anyway.  
GT: Perhaps we should stop the gabbing and bickery all together though?  
GT: Im not one for assumptions - you *know* what they say about those!  
GT: But i was rather under the impression that jade had something skirting on the sides of importance to say?  
GG: yes i did thank you jake!  
GG: and now that everyone is here we can start

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] sent familytree.png --

TT: We’ve established the relations already, what’s your point?  
GG: my point is that judging from our family trees none of us could really actually exist!!  
TG: . . . yeah i was thkning about that  
TG: how can m n my mom be each others moms???  
GG: Wait, wait wait hold on a minute!  
GG: Let me get this nonsense sorted around in my head.  
GG: In our universe - let’s call it universe 1.  
GT: hey why do you guys get to be universe 1!!  
GT: we are the ones who contacted you so we should be universe 1.  
GG: Gosh SORRY! I was just trying to clarify I didn’t mean to offend your universe.  
GT: pfft. well you did!  
GG: Okay so my universe - universe 2.  
TT: Wait I don’t want to be universe 2.  
TG: yea me neither thats so . . .  
TG: LAME  
GG: jeez!! it doesnt matter!  
GT: JEEZ.  
GT: Jeez!  
TG: how about we just call our universe (the best universe) universe a  
TG: and the other universe gets to be universe 1  
TT: Seconded.  
GT: thirded.  
TT: Fourthed.  
TG: fifthfed  
GG: Sixthed!  
GG: no!! that is too confusing  
GT: really?  
GT: i think it is pretty straight forward we get to be universe 1 and they are universe a.  
TG: no were universe a theyre universe 1  
GG: see!??!?!?!?  
GT: okay gosh fine!  
GT: what do you suggest smarty mc science pants?  
TG: we could call them  
TG: βB1 (that u guys) n αB2 (that us)  
GG: oh wow thats perfect i didnt even think of that!!  
TT: What’s the significance of that system of classification?  
TG: ok here let me whip it out for u real smooth  
TG: first things first u got ur universal instances in ~ath codnigh  
TG: reprettsented by lettrs from tha greek alphabet  
TG: esentically this is used in ~ath coding 2 represstent executions of different stages of the samem progrramming  
TG: repress tent lmao  
TG: its ok little tent u dont gotat hide ur feels no more  
TG: so n e way thats what that bit means  
GT: Hold your tongue for just a shake of a lambs tail miss lalonde!  
GT: Are you saying that our universes are two simultaneously occurring realities at different stages of development?  
GT: Im not quite sure im keen on the implications provided by those sorts of obscure sciency terms.  
GT: I feel as if my noodle has gone all catawampus atop my shoulders with this dadblasted nonsense.  
TG: nooot quite jakers  
TT: Wait, one more thing.  
TT: Alpha is the first letter of the greek alphabet and beta is the second - does this imply that our universe came first?  
TG: no 2 that as well distri  
TG: alpha n beta has no connotations w chrnonlogy that is jsut implying that they r the same base code  
TG: the b1 n b2 part is where chronology come sin which is where stuff gets wiggedy whacked up  
TG: n e way dr jade would ulike to take over  
GG: sure!!!  
GG: you did a great job roxy you know ~ath so much better than me :D  
TG: aww honey u could b just as good but ur too ubusy budilg robots  
TG: we r tha supreme science team 2geth tho  
GG: heck yeah!  
GG: so anyway the numbers mean that basically our universes are two different ‘trial runs’ of the same software  
GG: sort of  
GG: but the weird thing is the alpha universe - jake dirk roxy jane that is you guys!  
GG: the alphaverse is in a less complete stage than the beta verse - that it is.  
GG: theoretically in ~ath programming an omega represents a ‘perfect universe’  
GG: which isnt a real thing!  
GG: its a universe that has no cosmic flaws  
GG: an omega universe would kind of have to stop existing before it ever existed to actually be that perfect  
GG: so the alpha universe is our universe on its first little baby legs! picture a giraffe trying to walk  
GG: are you picturing it??? giraffes are really cute!  
GG: that is not a good metaphor though you could picture a baby anything and you would get the gist lol  
GG: then our beta universe is a little bit more ‘complete’ in terms of ~ath universal coding  
GT: what does a universe being complete even MEAN?  
GT: how does programming decide what does or what does not make a good universe to live in.  
TG: yeah im with john on this one all of this makes about zero sense  
TG: so basically the alpha universe is a baby giraffe trying to stand up on its twiggy little giraffe legs like yo momma giraffe  
TG: hit me up with some of them leaves  
TG: and then our universe beta whatever is like a giraffe that has actually learned how to stand and could totally eat its own leaves like off of bushes or something but nope, sorry junior still too stubby to start mackin on trees  
TG: mom giraffe has to pull the weight YET AGAIN  
TG: but neither of these piece of shit entry level giraffes compare to the ultimate omega giraffe  
TG: like this dude is pretty much giraffe god with his elegant trunk like neck and his leaf pulverizing maw of a mouth  
TG: if giraffes had the brain power to conceptualize religion this giraffe would be like the god of giraffes  
TG: but how can you apply that same logic to an entire universe  
TT: You’re implying that there’s some sort of esoteric and ancient standardization for what makes a universe ‘good’.  
TT: I feel like that spits in the face of every theocracy mankind has managed to conceive.  
TT: We’re treading very close to godlike accusations here.  
GG: well . . . to be honest a god isnt too far off!  
GG: heres where stuff gets REALLY interesting!  
GG: Are you telling me we haven’t even got to the interesting part yet?!?  
GG: I don’t know how much more of this can handle!  
GG: I already feel like I need to take a nap just to let this all sink it.  
GG: dont worry jane this part is pretty simple <3  
GG: no coding here just biology  
GG: cosmic perfection theory makes a lot more sense if you think of the entire universe as its own organism  
TT: For example, a giraffe.  
GG: lol!  
GT: I cant explain why but giraffe just doesnt sound right to me!  
GT: yeah me neither.  
GG: hm!  
GG: weird  
GG: ok well anyway the entire universe is one big organism of its own  
GG: with the smaller organisms living within it essentially acting as cells  
GG: pop quiz time!  
GG: what is the purpose of all known organisms?  
TG: live fast die young  
GT: uhhhhh . . .  
GT: yeah none of this is making any sense to me  
TG: to get laid  
GG: well technically youre right dave!  
GG: all organisms as species, have the ultimate goal to reproduce  
GG: so a perfect universe - an omega universe - is one where every attempt to respawn itself would result in a success  
GG: at least according to the theories!!!!!  
GG: but they all seem pretty legit :)  
GG: But how does a universe reproduce?  
GG: What does ~ath have to do with that?  
GG: And what does any of this mean for us gosh darn it!  
TG: the thing about universes is that no 1 knows how they do tha do  
TG: well i mean obvs the univrse isnt doing the nasty w another universe its more likely a process faciliated by the lesser organisms  
TG: the ‘cells’ as it were  
TG: which is  
TG: well  
TG: us lmao  
TG: but rly the only thing ~ath has 2 do w universe reproduction is like  
TG: essentiually showrgin us the unvierses dna  
TG: like ~ath coding shows u the observrable univesre as lines of code that computers can understand and tap ino  
TG: wlel done ~ath codes can manipulate the very fabric of existence to effect reality  
TG: htahts the only way we can talk rn, bc me and jade coded some ~ath programs to keep the connection stable  
GG: Jade and I.  
TG: me and jade.  
GG: Huffs! You’re impossible sometimes you know?  
GG: You can do all of this incredibly complex science but you can’t even use proper grammar.  
TT: Jane it’s the internet, no one cares about proper grammar but you.  
GG: You obviously care!!  
GG: You’re always talking with perfect capitalization, punctuation, and spelling.  
TT: Yeah, I’m great, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I care.  
TT: I’m just naturally flawless.  
TT: I am the omega linguist.  
GT: Pfft!  
GT: okay okay let me see if i can sum this up for those of us in this chat who aren't SUPER GENIUSES.  
GG: Genii.  
GT: really jane.  
GT: really.  
GG: Yes really.  
GT: ANY WAY.  
GT: ok so 1. we are all related in a way that means it should be impossible for us to exist because none of us could have technically been born  
GT: 2. our universes are slightly different versions of the same universe (well duh!) that are both unlikely to produce other universes. because that is a thing that happens. somehow.  
GT: 3. these things are related somehow i guess?  
GT: is any of that not entirely wrong?!!  
GG: no you are pretty much par for the course john!!!  
TG: obviously theyre related because were meant to pull some transdimensional cosmic incest and produce a brand new drooling inbred mess of a universe baby  
TT: Let me see if I can put this all together.  
TT: So you said that the B1 and B2 part of our universe’s classification implied chronology  
TT: Yet, to us, our universes exist simultaneously  
TT: That probably has to do with some trans-dimensional sciency bullshit I am not equip to speak on.  
TT: I digress. What really matters is that our universe - the alphaverse - was created AFTER the betaverse.  
TT: Which raises the question of why this is an alpha universe at all.  
TT: Going on the basis of thinking of a single universe as a different piece of software coded using the ~ath language, essentially the betaverse was a less glitchy version of our universe  
TT: Then, somehow, a universe of much lower quality - a universe with almost no chance of reproduction was “released” afterward.  
TT: All of the changes seem to be centered around us.  
TT: But why? What could we possibly have to do with the birth of a new universe.  
GG: thats really what this whole conversation has been building to  
GG: see its just like roxy explained to me back at christmas!  
GG: everyone who ever existed and ever will can be represented by a single line of ~ath coding.  
TG: tru  
TG: n normally these lines of code r raragned by chronology as would make sense  
TG: like the older u are the earlier ur code comes up  
TG: but not us  
TG: we were just sort of  
TG: added in as an after thought  
TG: guys somehow we were shoehorned into this universe  
TG: were not supposed to exist  
TT: Shoehorned in?  
TT: But how could that be possible?  
TT: If ~ath isn’t anything but a way to view the universe as lines of code then that means that something, or someone, at the very dawn of the universe itself, made it so we would exist right here, right now.  
GG: roxy and i havent figured out all the details yet but the alpha universe was spawned from a divergence in our universe - hence why it technically occurred chronologically later!  
GT: Golly!  
GT: *Tugs at his shirt collar*  
GT: Wait a moment.  
\-- golgothasTerror [GT] tugs at his shirt collar --  
GT: O: !  
GT: how did you do that.  
GT: I read the pesterchum updates awhile back there’s *loads* of cool features now!  
GT: For example you can double click something to quote someone.  
GT: -- GT O: ! --  
GG: Ooh, neat!  
GT: Also you can do /me.  
GT: Thats how i did that little actiony bit up there!  
TT: -- GT: Also you can do /me. --  
TG: -- GT: Also you can do /me. --  
GT: Oh buggeration!!!  
TG: -- GT: Also you can do /me. --  
GT: -- GT: Also you can do /me. --  
GT: I did *NOT* mean for the phrasing to come out so lascivious and you are *ALL* aware of that!  
TT: . . .  
TT: -- GT: Also you can do /me. --  
GG: Hoo hoo hoo!!!!!

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] renamed memo on board Trans-dimensional Party Board Science Chat Y2K --

\-- MEMO: -- GT: Also you can do /me. -- --

GT: OH CONSARN THE LOT OF YOU CURS!

\-- golgothasTerror [GT] ceased responding to memo --

TT: See ya, space cowboy.  
GG: omg noooo jake come back we were just kidding!!!  
GG: oh well  
GG: thats pretty much all we had to say you can all go back to whatever you were doing now  
TG: u don t have 2 go ohome  
TG: but u canst sta y here  
TG: i mean u can but. w/e  
TG: l8r haters

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] closed the memo --

==>

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] \--

GG: roxy i feel bad about not telling them!!! D:  
TG: i kno me 2 but i dont want them 2 worry  
TG: n turth be told i dont want them cmoing to us 4 answers because im inwayyy over my head here  
TG: and u are too  
GG: yeah i know i just dont like lying to my friends  
TG: listen as soon as we figure out a litlte bit more about thise whole author thing  
TG: we can tell them da tru deets about tha code  
TG: ok jadey??  
GG: yeah okay!!  
GG: i just hope we figure it out soon . . .  
TG: me 2 bleleieve me  
TG: believe***

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--


	9. December 4th, 2011

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> more things happen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its been four months im so fucking sorry

\-- ghostyTrickster[GT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] \--

GT: roxy!  
GT: rooxy!  
GT: roooxy!  
GT: rooooxy!  
GT: roooooxy!  
GT: i am just going to keep adding ’o’s until you reply to me because even if you are asleep on your keyboard this usually wakes you up.  
GT: rooooooxy!  
GT: roooooooxy!  
GT: i am reading those ‘o’s like oooooo so it just sounds like roo in kangaroo.  
GT: kind of like something scooby doo would say . . .  
GT: anyway wow gosh i guess you are really out for the count right now.  
GT: busy day?  
GT: hahaha.  
GT: anyway you probably aren’t going to read this until tomorrow morning so i feel kind of silly just typing all of this at nobody.  
GT: i’m becoming dave aren’t i?  
GT: but yeah happy birthday!  
GT: i just wanted to make sure you didn’t think i forgot.  
GT: i have a surprise for you too but you have to be awake for it!  
GT: anyway i will let you sleep okay!  
GT: sweet dreams bye roxy.  
TG: Wait.  
GT: O: !?  
TG: Who are you?  
GT: um.  
GT: who are you?  
TG: I don’t believe I’m the one who should be under scrutiny here.  
TG: Who are you? I don’t recognize your handle.  
TG: You aren’t Jane, Jake, or Dirk.   
GT: haha nope!  
GT: no but for real who are you.  
TG: I’m Roxy’s mother and I’d like to know what sort of strangers my daughter is talking to on the internet.  
GT: ooooh!  
GT: haha okay hi rose.  
GT: I am not a stranger i am john!  
TG: . . . You do realize how little that clarifies, yes?  
GT: oh yeah come to think of it i am not sure that you actually knew alternate dimension me  
GT: i am a version of jane’s poppop, john, from a PARALLEL UNIVERSE BEYOND THE VOID!  
GT: dun dun DUN!  
TG: Oh, alright.  
GT: ‘alright’  
GT: that’s is you are just going to accept that at complete face value?  
TG: Yes, it makes sense and seems to line up with recent events.  
GT: oh man if i had known you were just gonna take it i’d have come up with something cool!  
TG: No, I wouldn’t believe anything but the truth, trust me. I have my ways of knowing these things.  
GT: oooh spooky.  
GT: are they magical rose powers because my rose always seems to know a lot of stuff  
GT: or wait are they just mom powers i always feel like moms know more than they are letting on  
GT: not like i have any first hand mom experience though i don’t really have a mom.  
TG: It’s about six of one, half a dozen of the other.  
TG: Anyway, Roxy isn’t here right now, sorry.  
TG: Have a nice evening, John.

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] \-- 

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] \--

GT: wait!!  
GT: where is she??  
TG: Does it really matter?  
GT: i guess not . . .  
GT: its just that roxy never leaves without changing her pesterchum status so we know she’s offline!  
GT: it is just a little bit weird that she would not do that this time.  
GT: also it is her birthday i think she would want to talk to her friends.  
TG: Hmm. Well, if you must know, she’s in the hospital.  
TG: She’ll be fine, but it’ll be a day or so.  
GT: oh no!!! what happened!!  
TG: She needs to get her stomach pumped. Like I said, she’ll be fine.  
GT: but why!  
GT: she didn’t really seem sick last time i talked to her?  
TG: Listen, I’d rather not discuss my private family matters with you. Please just let this rest for now.  
GT: hmm. :C  
GT: okay i will personally stay out of your personal family matters  
GT: goodbye rose!

\-- ghostyTrickster[GT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] \-- 

==>

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--

GG: dirk guess what!  
TT: dirks not here  
GG: o: who are you then??  
GG: dave???  
TT: yeah this is dave who are you  
GG: i am jade!  
TT: ha.  
TT: absolutely hilarious.  
TT: who are you  
GG: like i said i am jade :)  
TT: jade is dead  
GG: no i am jade from an alternate dimension! i am fifteen and me and you are friends :O  
TT: why  
GG: because i was born 15 years ago?  
TT: no i mean why are we friends ms alternate dimension english  
GG: actually my name is harley here  
TT: thats a dumb name sounds like something someone with a speech impediment would say  
GG: hey thats pretty mean!!  
GG: dont be such a jerk dave :/  
TT: sorry  
GG: anyway  
GG: we are friends because you are a funny boy with interesting hobbies and i like talking to you!  
GG: well other dimension you i guess  
GG: im not sure how us two would get along but i hope we can be friends too  
GG: dirk showed me your movies they are even weirder than your comics!!  
TT: thats the point  
TT: no but for real who are you  
GG: im jade :B  
TT: no youre not  
GG: yes i am!!  
TT: no youre not  
GG: yes i am!!  
TT: no  
GG: yes  
TT: nope  
GG: yup  
TT: listen this is stupid either find a way to prove it or im not gonna have this conversation champ  
GG: come on cant you just believe me!! :C  
GG: dirk already believes me just ask him  
TT: dirk believes you?  
TT: how the hell did you get that stubborn asshole to listen to anything  
TT: god damn tell me your secrets lady  
TT: that kid is like  
TT: the great wall of china made out of magnets and the huns are also magnets but of the opposite polarity  
TT: (god damned magnets are weird how do they even work)  
TT: ((what are the juggalos hiding from us))  
TT: hint: i am the huns its me  
TT: desperately trying to pillage the secrets of chinas inner feelings to figure out what to get it for a christmas present  
TT: turns out china is into some weird shit that the huns dont really want to know about but whatever thats besides the point  
TT: probably should have minded their own fucking business but if china wasnt such a closed off wall building shithead then none of us would really be in this situation huh  
GG: um  
TT: anyway the point of what im saying is just whatever you did to convince dirk thats probably all itll take on me so why dont yall just go for it  
GG: ugh no!!!  
GG: nope i am done with you striders and your nonsense and i dont want to have to go over everything AGAIN but with you instead of dirk this time  
GG: it took soooo long to convince him so just go ask him about it!  
GG: youll take his word right?  
TT: no can do sorry  
TT: gonna have to start at square one with me here  
GG: o: why not!  
TT: because then id have to tell him i was poking around on his pesterchum account and believe me that is not a conversation im willing to have ever let alone right now  
GG: geez okay fine!!! i will find another way to prove it :/  
GG: and then will you tell me where dirk is?  
GG: i really need to talk to him!  
TT: yeah sure whatever  
GG: good  
GG: get back to me later okay??  
TT: wait what 

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--

==>

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]\--

TT: Hello, Rose.  
TG: Hello.  
TT: I’d like to assume you’re not wondering who I am.  
TG: No, go on.  
TT: Roxy overdosed didn’t she.  
TT: You found her passed out in a pool of her own vomit with an empty bottle of tequila on her birthday.  
TG: It was vodka, but otherwise you’re par for the course.  
TT: How dare you be so flippant about this?  
TT: Roxy is your daugher and it is your job to make sure this doesn’t happen to her.  
TG: You have a Roxy in your universe, yes?  
TT: Yes. She’s my mother.  
TG: Then you know how she is.  
TT: I know she’s a doddering, neglectful, passive-aggressive old drunk who can’t say she loves me without slurring it.  
TT: But that doesn’t mean you have to let your daughter become that.  
TG: I’m her mother, not a warden. She’s fifteen, if this is what she wants to do with her life so be it. She’s old enough to make her own decisions.  
TT: No, she isn’t!  
TG: Then by that logic, neither are you, but I’m almost positive you don’t think that.  
TT: I certainly don’t think it but god damnit I understand it. We’re children, she and I, and the whole point of a parent is the make the decisions their children can’t.  
TT: My mother isn’t in the right state of mind to do that for me and who knows - maybe whoever raised her did as shitty of a job as you’re doing and that’s why she is the way she is.  
TT: But you - you withered, despicable hag of a woman - you’re choosing this. You’re choosing to let your own child poison herself out of some weird, passive-aggressive power trip.  
TG: You and I are different people. Don’t pretend you understand the decisions I make and the reasons I have for doing so.  
TT: No, I don’t understand as a matter of fact! And I hope to oglogoth I never do.  
TT: The day my mind is poisoned by hatred the way yours undoubtedly has been I hope someone has enough sense to run me through with my own needles.  
TT: I’d rather succumb to some sort of dark and eldritch endless oblivion than let my soul rot out like you.  
TT: Do you care about her? Do you care about your daughter at all?  
TG: Of course I do.  
TT: Then do her one good turn. Go explain to John what’s going on and why.  
TT: She deserves that, at least.  
TG: Fine. Anything to find a segue out of this conversation.

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

==>

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \-- 

TG:hey jade says im supposed to talk to you  
TT: who are you  
TG: im you  
TT: oh okay  
TG: really thats it  
TG: thats all it takes  
TG: i was completely prepared to bust out some sick rhymes and prove to you that i am the one true son of the sicknasty flowgods  
TG: i was so ready dude i was g  
TT: no thats not all it takes i was joking  
TT: id like to think that i would be able to know when im joking so thats one credibility point down for you  
TG: harsh  
TT: yeah well welcome to the real world bucko  
TG: ok well is there any mysterious personal question you could ask me so we could just get this out of the way  
TT: i guess so yeah that probably seems like the best way to do that  
TG: cool  
TT: cool  
TT: okay gimme a sec bro  
TG: yeah take your time man  
TT: okay if we could choose any profession what would be it be  
TT: and your answer cant be directing thats cheating bro  
TG: shit i dont know dude im 15  
TT: then just tell me what 15 year old dave striders aspirations are  
TG: idk man theres a bunch of cool stuff to do  
TG: like i like photography that would be pretty rad to go into more  
TG: get some expensive shit and start taking my selfies to a next level  
TG: share my art with the world  
TG: but i mean i dont know if id ever want to do that for a living seems kinda lame.  
TG: paleontology could be kind of neat i could live gettin paid to dig up dead stuff  
TG: but one thing i definitely dont want to do  
TG: is to keep making the sbahj webcomic for the rest of my life  
TG: could you imagine having to make all your income based on the whims of whatever emotionally stunted teens are reading webcomics all day  
TT: god that would be hell dont even talk to me about webcomics  
TT: anyone who genuinely puts time into those things needs to seriously rethink their lives  
TG: B^U  
TT: oh my god fuck off  
TG: so do i pass or what  
TT: yeah you seem pretty legit dude  
TT: so that means that  
TT: jade is the real deal then huh?  
TG: hell if i know i havent met her and everything about her life seems really implausible so take it with a grain of salt i guess  
TT: cool okay well im gonna go talk to her  
TT: bye

\-- timaeusTestified [TT]ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

==>

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering ghostyTrickster  [GT] \--

TG: John, are you still there?  
GT: yeah!  
GT: whats up rose?  
GT: is there news about roxy?  
TG: Yes, actually.  
GT: !!!!!!!!  
TG: It was alcohol poisoning. Seems like she took a little too keenly to the sauce.  
GT: . . . D: yeah that sound like roxy.  
GT: gosh i feel so bad about not saying anything before.  
GT: i guess it never seemed that serious?  
GT: like i mean she always joked about it and i figured if it was TOO serious she probably wouldn’t be getting away with doing it so frequently . . .  
GT: man if i ever tried to do that my dad would KILL me.  
GT: she’s going to be okay though, right?  
TG: Yes, most certainly.   
GT: and this probably won’t happen again either?  
TG: That’s for Roxy to decide.   
GT: this is probably stupid and i am sure i am definitely missing something here but maybe you should stop bringing alcohol into the house.  
GT: i do not mean to impose i am just worried is all.  
TG: Perhaps I’ll just keep a better eye on the booze I do bring in.  
TG: Roxy may be a minor but I haven’t been for quite awhile and don’t exactly plan to give up my author’s little helper.  
TG: Sometimes you need to turn off your insider editor, you know?  
GT: uhh…  
GT: I guess?  
TG: It’s just like they say; ‘Write drunk, edit sober.’  
TG: More or less my creed at this point.  
GT: um.  
GT: okay.  
GT: anyway i guess i’ll go now since roxy isn’t here!  
GT: tell her i love her!  
GT: BUT LIKE.  
GT: IN A FRIEND WAY.  
GT: god that was weird…  
TG: Yes, it was.  
TG: I’ll tell her.  
GT: UGH okay.  
GT: bye other rose!  
TG: goodbye.  


\-- ghostyTrickster  [GT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] \--

==>

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--

TT: okay hey whats up  
GG: so it worked??!?!?  
TT: yeah  
GG: neat!  
TT: yeah  
GG: so about dirk  
TT: oh right  
TT: yeah hes grounded  
GG: omg why!!  
GG: what did he do lol  
TT: his robot tried to kill me  
GG: dirk has a robot?  
TT: not anymore he doesnt  
TT: wham  
TT: stabbed  
TT: right through its poor little uranium heart  
TT: rest in fucking pieces murderbot  
TT: come to think of it where the hell is he getting uraniam  
TT: i feel like that is really illegal  
GG: i mean more or less illegal but if youre careful i dont think it should matter! :D  
TT: well obviously he wasnt careful enough english the thing kinda tried to waste me  
GG: its harley!  
TT: oh yeah right  
TT: (still a bad name btw)  
GG: ((still super rude mr snootypants!!!))  
TT: woah watch your fucking mouth  
GG: :P  
GG: anyway why did dirks robot try to kill you?  
GG: that doesnt seem like the kind of thing dirk would do on purpose!!  
TT: idk man  
TT: the fucking murderbot was probably just programmed with all of dirks borderline homoerotic teen angst  
GG: aww come on dave you know that dirk cant help being a sad angry gay teen :(  
GG: and between you and me i dont think he is super okay with the gay thing yet so it seems a bit uncool to joke about it  
TT: wait what do you mean  
GG: i mean he just seems super uncomfortable about it still!!  
GG: like whenever were playing fmk in the group chat he just gets all weird and quiet  
GG: among other things  
TT: no i mean  
TT: i didnt think dirk was actually gay  
GG: omg  
GG: um... oops?  
TT: wait shit seriously  
GG: yeah  
GG: i guess the gay cat is out of the gay bag  
GG: please dont tell him i told you he will be so mad at me! :(  
TT: no thats fine i wont  
TT: bring it up  
TT: i wouldnt even know how to go about bringing that up to be honest do i just sit him down and give him the ‘just because your ass cant get pregnant doesnt mean you shouldnt be fondling any peeled bananas; talk  
TT: or do i just like  
TT: subtly leave a box of flavored condoms in his room while hes sleeping  
GG: please dont do any of those things  
TT: what are you even supposed to do with a gay kid i have no idea how to handle this situation  
TT: its a shame youre dead here because you are way smarter than me  
GG: lol!  
GG: but for real um probably just keep doing what youre doing  
TT: maybe i should cut down on the gay jokes though  
GG: yes good call  
GG: well when dirk is un grounded have him pester me!  
GG: we are going to put together a surprise for roxys birthday but i cant if he is not here!  
TT: kk  
TT: laters  
GG: bye!

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--

==>

SUBJECT: rose rose rose rose rose pay attention to me  
Strider, Dave  
dave.strider@gmail.com  
TO: Lalonde, Rose {rlalonde@hmhbooks.com}  
CC:  
FWD:

hey i got stabbed by a robot today and also things somehow got shittier than that later on wanna get completely wasted and trash a fancy hotel room 

my treat 

cmon you know you want to 

==>

SUBJECT: RE: rose rose rose rose rose pay attention to me  
Lalonde, Rose  
rlalonde@hmhbooks.com  
TO: Strider, Dave {dave.strider@gmail.com}  
CC:  
FWD:

Oh hell. Fucking. Yes. 

Please I need to be as drunk and as far away from New York as possible. I’ll be on the next plane to Houston. 

==>

SUBJECT: RE: RE: rose rose rose rose rose pay attention to me  
Strider, Dave  
dave.strider@gmail.com  
TO: Lalonde, Rose {rlalonde@hmhbooks.com}  
CC:  
FWD:

bitchin 

you know who really liked trashing fancy hotel rooms? 

==>

SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: rose rose rose rose rose pay attention to me  
Lalonde, Rose  
rlalonde@hmhbooks.com  
TO: Strider, Dave {dave.strider@gmail.com}  
CC:  
FWD:

John and Jade? 

==>

SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: RE: rose rose rose rose rose pay attention to me  
Strider, Dave  
dave.strider@gmail.com  
TO: Lalonde, Rose {rlalonde@hmhbooks.com}  
CC:  
FWD:

yeah those two were fucking ancient and still total party animals i have yet to meet anyone who can make lasagna as good as johns too 

i love lasagna 

==>

SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: rose rose rose rose rose pay attention to me  
Lalonde, Rose  
rlalonde@hmhbooks.com  
TO: Strider, Dave {dave.strider@gmail.com}  
CC:  
FWD:

I miss them too. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELP THERES THAT.


	10. February 23rd, 2012

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> more events continue to take place, setting the stage for later events of different and varying significance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wOOOOO here we go.
> 
> honestly i wrote this chapter really quickly so i'd have a chance to start working on the next one, which is beta kids centered, and also I am predictable.
> 
> IN OTHER NEWS, WE'VE FINALLY HIT 300 KUDOS AND I AM SOOOO BEYOND HONORED! Thanks so much for sticking w/ me

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead[TG] \--

TT: Yo, Dave.  
TG: Dave’s dead.  
TT: What?  
TG: Haha, nah I’m just fucking with you.  
TG: Nice handle.  
TG: Which one of Dave’s friend are you?  
TG: You John?  
TG: Nah wait a minute I heard some things about that kid and you definitely ain’t him.  
TG: Question is, who on earth are you?  
TT: That ain’t any of your business, but I’m sure I know who you are.  
TG: Not a hard guess, kiddo.  
TT: No, not particularly.  
TT: You’re Dirk Strider.  
TG: Haven’t used that name in over a decade but I guess I’ll take it.  
TG: Who are you.  
TT: What are you doing snooping on Dave’s pesterchum?  
TG: Snooping?  
TG: Hate to break it to you but this isn’t exactly a stealth mission right here, leaving pesterchum logs in plain sight to be read whenever lil Davey gets back from his midday fast good run.  
TG: This, my Platonic acquaintance, is parenting.  
TG: Gotta see what the kid gets up to when he’s cavorting with internet strangers such as yourself.  
TG: Also I’m gonna leave some incriminating tabs open on the desktop and then pretend to get mad and deny ever opening them or participating in this conversation later.  
TG: In fact, that’s precisely what I was in the middle of when your pesterchum window popped up.  
TT: Fun.  
TG: Yep.  
TG: So, bye.  
TT: Really?  
TG: Yeah sorry pal, am I ruining our bonding time?  
TT: Yes.  
TT: I was really looking forward to a longwinded spiel about your flagrant disregard for your brother’s privacy, perhaps with some incredibly ill-timed, sexually charged comments.  
TG: Well golly gee whiz, if it really meant that much to you I could stick around.  
TT: No no, please, don’t let me interrupt your incredibly important work.  
TT: I wouldn’t want to get in between a man and his life’s passion.  
TT: I’m just a bit curious as to why you’re interest in my true identity piqued so rapidly, only to plateau without an ounce of ceremony.  
TT: Like how you’d react Dreamworks sequel or a sitcom about a group of twentysomethings living in the city.  
TT: Is that all I am to you?  
TT: A tawdry hunk of media interspersed with bad puns and low key sexism?  
TG: I know who you are, bro. Chill.  
TT: I’d say there’s a decent chance you don’t.  
TG: You’re me.  
TT: . . .  
TT: How’d you know?  
TG: I just did. Not much to it.  
TG: You’re me, plain as day.  
TG: I think I’d recognize another facet of myself in any context.  
TG: Like a majestic stallion overseeing the rest of his herd.  
TT: Looks like I bet on the wrong horse.  
TG: There’s no such thing as a wrong horse, only the right horse and another right horse that’s slightly faster.  
TG: Get it the hell together.  
TT: Damn, I just got schooled.  
TG: Welcome to Mr. Strider’s classroom.  
TG: First lesson: stop being such a fuck up.  
TT: Is this the way you speak to Dave?  
TG: This is how I talk to everyone.  
TT: Wow.  
TT: That is . . .  
TT: Intolerable.  
TT: Do I really suck this fucking much  
TG: Statistically speaking, yes.  
TG: Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go get back to opening this furry breast inflation porn and pinning it on Dave.  
TT: You and Dave live alone. There’s no third party here, no one to believe your lie.  
TT: What’s the point of this?  
TG: Not much else to do.  
TT: Ugh.  
TT: You know what, talking to myself is pretty high up on my list of ‘shit I don’t wanna do’, so I’m gonna go.  
TT: Tell Dave to get back to me, ASAP.  
TG: Maybe.  
TT: Just do it, okay?  
TG: Maybe.  
TT: Jesus Christ.  
TT: Don’t you have friends or something to go harass instead of your teenage brother?  
TT: Trick question, I know the answer is ‘no’.  
TG: Haha, projecting much, bro?  
TG: How’s about me and you play a little game.  
TT: What kind of game.  
TG: Let’s call it trivia.  
TG: You answer a few of my questions, I make sure to let Dave know you’re trying to get in touch with him.  
TT: No thanks.  
TT: I’ll just try again later.  
TG: Aight, cool.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]\--

==>

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

TG: suRPRISE its me!!!!!  
TG: . . . u there?  
TG: i was plannin 4 that 2 b a lil more climactic like  
TG: u were gonna be there n u were gonna be like  
TG: omg!!!! its u!!  
TG: and i was gonna be like YA its me  
TG: nad u were gonna be like  
TG: omg  
TT: omg  
TG: YAS just like that!!!!!  
TG: rooooseeybr /> TG: po possiiiee  
TG: threre u are!  
TT: sorry hun im not actually rose im her momma  
TT: poor thign is sicker n a dog :C  
TG: o nooo!!!  
TG: wat is it?  
TT: tha flu :C  
TT: lil bab=y is puckin her GUTS out and cant get otuta bed .. . . .  
TT: she was liek  
TT: ma my friendds sgogona pesster m todayh  
TT: and i tooold her i woulud tallkkkkk to herr :C  
TT: and then bLKARHAGHG rite on tha brand new carpet but w/e  
TT: she said that ifi t was u, (9tipsygnlostagic)) 2 answer it  
TT: n givey a th 411  
TT: so ocnsider urself . . .  
TT: INFORMED  
TG: omg ty!!!!!  
TT: so . .. :3  
TT: now that i ahv e u here hows baout me n u have a lil chithat  
TT: cat*  
TT: CHAT* lol  
TG: i like cat better :3c  
TT :3c  
TG: anyway yeah i will chit cat w/ u lmap  
TG: bring on the cats yo  
TT: mmkay  
TT: mmkay im either reeakly wrong here or completre right but ifm im wrong this is ognna b really weird  
TT: but img porbably not so  
TT: yknow  
TT: ymmv  
TT: r u me  
TT: from ANOTHER DIMENSTION BEYOND THE VOID?  
TG: ya  
TT: o  
TT: that ez huh?  
TG: ya  
TG: howd u kno???  
TG: i mean that seems like a rly weird thing to just. guess.  
TG: like kinda super specific with all kids of MAD IMPROBABILITY, YO  
TG: OMG  
TG: john was rite wasnt he?/  
TG: its the mom powers. ur super secret mom powers allowing u to see the truth  
TT: unfortunately no mom powers have not helped me unravel hte mysterzeies of ur eixisteance  
TT: that was just  
TT: SDCIENCE  
TT: ive been tracking anomalies in my laboratory as part o, u kno, my job an d theres some freaky little spots of activity  
TT: here in nyc  
TT: houston, washington, and in the middle of tha ocean on harleys lil island  
TT: somethign is. afoot.  
TT: and that would be u!!!!!!  
TT: SO  
TT: tell me  
TG: what  
TT: wjats it like being me in a nother dimension?  
TT: tlel mr ur WHOLE life stroy  
TT: story*  
TG: um,  
TG: not a lot to it!  
TG: in this universe lots o things are p much the same but a lil different?  
TG: like instead of being rose’s momma, rose is my mom!  
TT: !!~~  
TT: O: ooo hows that  
TG: its um  
TG: complicated  
TG: u kno how she is i guess  
TG: we odnt always get along its much easier for me to talk to lil rose on ur end of the interdimensional friendship highway  
TG: its hard sometimes  
TG: uhh but  
TG: i love her!!!1 so yay  
TT: om g tell her i say hi!!!!  
TT: WAIT  
TT: IS SHE THERE  
TT: WILL U PUT HER ON PESTRECHUM OMG I WANNA TTLLAAAKKK TO HER  
\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] FROWNS --  
TT: omg i didnt kno psesterchum had an action feature  
TG: yea i forget about it like 99 percents of the time  
TG: that is a tru math figure rite there  
TG: but uhh  
TG: anyway mom rose isnt here with me so i can let u talk to her. sorry  
TT: its okay sweetiteie i like tlaking to u just fien!!!  
TG: aww ty  
TT: but where r u??  
TT: o shit rose said u had something improtant to say too and here i am blabbin on like the crazy old lady i am  
TT: y dont u tell me what s going on and ill forward it to rosie when shes up form her tirp to dreamland  
TT: poor thing  
TG: well those 2 things r kinda related!  
TG: as 4 where i am i have been in a um  
TG: rehab clinic for a lil while  
TG: and today i finally gets to use the interwebz again holla!!!  
TG: rolal is BACK in BIZNIZ YO  
TG: two month of sobriety 2day  
TT: omg honey!!!!!!!!!  
TT: im so HAPPY for u!!!  
TG: haha y im not even ur daughter  
TT: in case my loelvely little withch of adguahter hasnt filled u in  
TT: i tend 2 htit he sauce a litlte bit to hard in my day 2 dya life  
TT: its a nasty habit 2 kick  
TT: LORD knos ive tried but it seems like thres always just 2 much to do that gets in the way haha  
TT: like mbeing a mom  
TG: :C  
TT: dont u b upset for me sweetie u jstu b happy for urself!!! hav ea party or eat some cake or smeothing. idk lol  
TG: well .. . i dont think its too late for u!!!  
TT: maybe  
TT: mayub not  
TG: dont u have anyone who can help u?  
TT: sorta. but thats a convo for another dayyyyyyyyy  
TT: im gonna go,okay?  
TT: got some work to do in the lab.  
TG: . . . well okay!!!  
TG: tell rose what i said ok??  
TT: ofc swaeetie!! congrats ok  
TG: ty!!

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] -

==>

\-- golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

GT: Good afternoon!  
TG: Yo.  
GT: Er.  
GT: You are dave. Right?  
GT: Not his guardian.  
TG: No, I’m not Dave.   
GT: Oh. Well thats rather unfortunate i was looking forward to conversing with him!  
TG: He’s out.  
GT: Really?  
GT: Thats not what dirk said!  
GT: He said that you were - and by you i mean he i suppose? Its all rather complicated.  
GT: Anyway he said that you were bringing about a bit of a kerfuffle what with your fooling around on daves pesterchum and chatting up his acquaintances.   
GT: Do you know when he will be back?  
TG: Soon-ish I’d assume.   
TG: He’s only running out for taco bell or something.   
GT: Or something?  
TG: Some kind of fast food. Do the specifics really matter?  
GT: Well no i suppose they dont!  
GT: It just seems a bit strange to me that you dont know where your charge has moseyed off to.  
TG: He’s 16, not 6. He can be trusted to purchase and return with food without dying.  
GT: Haha i suppose!!  
GT: I dont get what dirk was on about you dont seem like that bad of a fellow.  
TG: Haha, oh man.  
TG: Other me was talking trash to some rando?  
TG: That’s rich, that guy seemed SO pissy.  
GT: Hey im not some rando!  
GT: I just happen to be *that guys* best friend.  
TG: Bullshit.  
TG: I know me and you are way too cheery of a person for any me to ever want to hang out with.  
GT: Counterpoint: i am quite certain that you and an alternate dimension version of me were chummy to some degree back in the day!  
TG: Assuming that we are, in fact, operating on the belief that alternate dimension exist and you are from one.  
TG: A fact I have not yet managed to confirm due to my tragic lack of a functional laboratory.   
TG: And on top of that, skill in this particular branch of science.  
TG: Assuming that - that would make you alternate dimension Hass Harley, yes?  
TG: Probably shaved down a few years because both you and other me talk like you’re god damned 12 year olds.  
GT: Yup! Thats me!  
GT: I am not 12 though. I am also 16 like dave!  
TG: Cool well have fun bein not dead, I s’ppose.   
TG: Old guy you croaked a few years back.   
GT: I am aware! It was around the same time my own grandmother died.  
GT: I would say croaked but given its froggy connotations id rather not.  
TG: What do frogs have to do with fuckall of this?  
GT: Not much!  
GT: Grandma just liked frogs. Or something akin to that.  
GT: She always kept plenty around the house.   
GT: It seems a bit disrespectful to make a joke about it.  
TG: Why did your grandmother keep frogs in your house?  
GT: Well if shed kept them outside they wouldnt have been really *kept* would they?  
TG: I literally can not argue with that. Nor do I intend to.  
TG: So what’s the deal with all this transdimensional business?  
TG: Why. How. Etcetera.  
TG: Other me wasn’t talking. He’s kind of an ass, really.  
GT: He said the same thing about you!  
GT: But um. Essentially a few years back jade punched a hole in reality and on the other side of that hole was me and jane and roxy and dirk.  
GT: And now we are all internet friends! Hooray!  
TG: A really touching story.  
TG: I laughed.  
TG: I cried.  
TG: Honestly, someone should take the time out of their day to write a novella about that.  
TG: 30,000 words of teens being internet friends? God damn, I am SOLD on that wild ride.  
GT: Yes tales of friendship are truly touching.  
TG: I genuinely can not tell if you’re playing along with my facetiousness or if you’re incapable of picking up tone over text.  
GT: Neither really im mostly just ignoring it for the instance because i am a true believer in the power of friendship!  
TG: And how has that been working out for you?  
GT: Pretty good actually.   
GT: Speaking of friendship!  
GT: Dirk you and i knew each other in your dimension. But were we friends?  
GT: I mean.  
GT: Its sort of strange to think about another me and another dirk and jane and roxy going about their business but not really ever. Connecting.  
TG: I guess. Sort of.  
TG: I mean, we worked together, and we knew each other well enough, but tens of years and thousands of miles were sort of a damper to any potential broship.  
TG: He was a decent guy.   
GT: Well at least theres that.  
GT: I didnt know that you work for skaianet though dave never mentioned it!  
TG: I don’t, not since i had to start raising dave.  
TG: Long story. None of your business, really.  
TG: Whatever.  
GT: Alright. Well i just popped in to tell dave that jane and i are going to see his new movie i thought hed get a kick out of that but i really should be going now or ill miss the beginning!  
GT: Ive been in that situation before and it makes everything even more unintelligible than it would be in the first place and its not really any fun for anyone involved.   
GT: If i had my druthers id just have the convoluted genius himself explain exactly what i am supposed to be getting out of this film but i doubt he has the time for that.  
GT: Goodbye dirk!  
TG: Wait, movies?

\-- golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

==>

\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

GG: Hello, Rose!  
GG: I know you’re probably still asleep but I’m about to go see Dave’s new movie - or moivie, I believe? I can’t exactly keep the names in check - but before I head out I wanted to tell you that I talked to Dad, and he says that everything is looking good so far for spring break!  
GG: We should be able to get down to Jake’s island by then and try to get the damn thing working.  
GG: Jade, of course, will be messaging you specifics about what your part is in this whole thing!  
GG: Feel better, okay? :)  
GG: Well, on that note, I’m off to the movies!  
TT: wait!  
GG: O: What is it, Rose!?  
TT: im not rose im roxy   
GG: Roxy? As in Rose’s mom?  
TT: yes the one and only except for the other me lol  
TT: who r u?   
TT: wats going on at spring breka?  
TT: break*  
GG: Oh!   
GG: Um, I’m not sure exactly how much of this I’m supposed to be telling you.  
GG: I’m Jane first of all. Jane Crocker.  
GG: And I suppose none of this is really a big secret so I’ll just fill you in.  
GG: Roxy said you knew about the ‘interdimensional fun portal’, yes?  
TT: yup!!!!  
GG: Well, we’re going to try to send some stuff through!   
GG: And the goal is to one day be able to visit each other.   
TT: ooOOOOO!!!  
TT: can that even be done?  
GG: I’m not any sort of scientist, but Jade says yes!  
GG: What we need, though, is an ectobiology lab, or something?  
GG: And that’s where your house comes in!  
GG: Rose said she talked to you about having her friends out for spring break, right?  
GG: It’ll really gum up the works a bit if that doesn’t happen.  
TT: ooo yeah yeah ofc ofc!!!  
TT: yeah all the kiddos is makingd htere way up 2 lalone manor for SPRING BREAK wooooooooooooooo   
TT: rose dindt mention anytihng about going into tha lab tho??  
TT: id int even kno that she knew what ectobiolology WAS  
TT: istg i need 2 have QUITE a talk with that girl  
TT: the thing about the lab tho is that its sorta in use already  
GG: Oh, really?  
TT: mmmhmm. 4 skaianet stuff. trackin meteror and nother anmoles  
TT: anomalies***  
GG: Meteors? But why?  
TT: a lil pet projct o hass harlizzle’s  
TT: abasically 2 uh  
TT: see whn the world is gonna end  
GG: Oh dear!!  
GG: I don’t suppose you could give me a heads up for that one, could you?  
TT: sure thing!! the apocalypes was supposed 2 hapen on approximaybe april 13 2009  
TT: as u can see  
TT: it did not  
GG: That’s a relief I suppose.   
GG: But if the apocalypse was supposed to happen almost three years ago, then why are you still measuring all of this?  
TT: hahahah not much else 2 do i guess?  
TT: and i still tihnk that something majorly wrong is goin on here like  
TT: mayb not BAD rong but definitely not how things r supposed to be  
TT: just  
TT: things dont really fit together  
TT: or make sense  
TT: u kno??  
GG: Believe me, I know.  
GG: But I was under the impression that the situation seemed so incomprehensible to me because I’m not exactly a genius like Jade or, well, you.  
TT: omg i dont rly know u we never met or ntohing but im sure u are a VWERY smart little igrl dont b hard on urself ok??  
TT: this thing is big byond what u could ever guess  
TT: so i guess if i do one thing  
TT: its gonna b to finidsh up hass’s worko for him  
TT: bc i kno this was importtnt  
GG: Alright.  
GG: Well, would you tell me if you find out anything more?  
GG: Now that I know there’s really a mystery in place here, I can’t resist taking a crack at it.  
TT: yeah!!! u go gurl1!!!! crak dat msystery egg  
GG: Thanks Ms. Lalonde!  
GG: I really should be headed out now or I’ll miss the movie.  
TT: bye honey!!  
GG: Goodbye!

\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

==>

CONNECTION ESTABLISHED  
ENTER CREDENTIALS

***********

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CREDENTIALS VALID  
ENTER COMMUNICATIONS HUB ADDRESS:

297604N953898S

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HUB ADDRESS VALID  
INITIATING PRIVATE LINE

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INITIATION COMPLETE  
AWAITING MANUAL ACCEPTANCE SEQUENCE

\- - - - - - 

LOG:

RL: iw asnt xpecting u to answer  
DS: I wasn’t expecting you to call.  
DS: You’re not one to use the emergency communique channels for a casual chit chat  
DS: So I’m assuming that’s not what this is.  
RL: definitely not, i hghave up that dream years ago  
RL: busineess only here  
RL: dirk things jstu keep getting weireder  
RL: there havnet been any new meteors in 5evr and now this whole interdimensionla portal thing with the kids is happening  
RL: everyhtign weve predticted has been completelky wrong its like the universe aint even obeying its OWN rulez anymore  
DS: Yeah, It’d seem that way wouldn’t it?  
RL: wat do we do  
DS: As far as I’m concerned, nothing.  
DS: You and Hass spent years convincing me we’d all be dead by now, so as far as I’m concerned this is a victory.  
DS: I’m just gonna keep on keeping on.  
DS: Live my life, do my thing.  
RL: not much of a life u got urself bro  
DS: You’re one to talk.  
DS: You and I? We’re in the same boat.  
DS: Each of us living a life in the shadow of impending doom that never happened.  
DS: Might as well maintain a bit of our dignities, admit we were wrong and all of work was useless, and move on.  
DS: Go follow your passions and like, develop a pseudo-snes indie platformer on kickstarter or whatever it is you like to do.  
RL: and then wat r u going to do??  
RL: kepe making werid porn?  
DS: Yes.  
DS: Why not?  
RL: that cant b what u pictured for urself  
DS: The two of you made it pretty clear that what I had planned for my own future didn’t really factor into things.  
RL: im sorry okay!!!  
RL: im sorry  
RL: we were worng n u wer just a kid n we put u into a difficult position and probably made u grow up a little bit too fast but damn it we ewere just trying to help  
RL: you saw the ruins. u saw the meteors. u saw everything  
RL: you gotta admit the evidence was damnning  
RL: so im sorry wwe were wrong but theres nothing left but u n me and we might as well finish wat we strarted and get to th bottom of ths things  
DS: What are you suggesting?  
RL: come to wnew york w/da ve  
RL: shits going down were gonna figure this out ok?????  
DS: And what if I dont?  
RL: then u and i BOTH wasted decades of our lives but at lestast i didnt givve up  
DS: Fine.  
DS: I’ll see you then.  
RL: i miss u somethims, u kno?  
DS: Yeah.  
DS: Bye, Rox.  
RL: buh bye

COMMUNICATIONS LINK TERMINATED 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if you can tell, but we're getting closer and closer to the end! only a few more chapters left. Thanks for sticking with me for OVER A YEAR AND A HALF. You guys are the best.


	11. May 30th, 2012

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uneventful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's certainly been awhile huh . . . 
> 
> Anyway let me get to the point. In this chapter, you're gonna harlequin babies mentioned. Do NOT google it unless you can tolerate some really graphic body horror. It's a skin condition that makes babies look like a god damned demon.
> 
> this chapters been done for a week but im going thru a really bad depression phase and am busy on top of that, so i can't finish coding the chapter rn. sorry. hope you enjoy it even in half black and white

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

GT: so.  
GT: you ready to start talking to me again?  
GT: dave you are being really dumb!!  
GT: please just talk to me!  
GT: i guess you’re . . .  
GT: i don’t know, embarrassed?  
GT: but you really shouldn’t be dude.  
GT: if anything you should be embarrassed that you are being a real hornses ass right now and not talking to me. your best friend. john egbert.  
GT: :(  
GT: this has been going on a bit too long i am actually starting to get a bit worried . . .  
TG: hey  
GT: DAVE! O:  
GT: you’re not dead!  
TG: john you liked the sbahj page i posted three hours ago did you think i just spontaneously combusted in the minutes preceding this conversation or what  
TG: i mean damn a guy takes some personal time for like a week or so and suddenly its where in the world is carmen sandiego  
TG: or in this case dave houston  
TG: thats gonna be my new spysona hes an fbi agent with a tragic past and an even tragicer future  
TG: he was a simple man with a wife and 2.5 kids and a dog and like maybe some tropical fish or something until his family was murdered  
GT: at what point does agent dave houston have to confront the demons of his past and come to terms with the feelings he may or may not have for his best friend john washington?  
TG: that doesnt happen because this isnt a made for tv movie on logo  
TG: listen can we just  
TG: drop it if i promise itll never happen again okay  
TG: youre good at ignoring weird shit right  
TG: turn on some of that patented egbertian emotional neglect right now and well get back to being buddy buddy  
GT: guhhhhhh dave you dont get it  
GT: listen  
GT: yeah it was kind of awkward but mostly because you freaked out and ran away  
GT: im okay with you kissing me dude  
GT: i mean it was actually kind of nice?  
TG: oh  
GT: yeah  
TG: so  
TG: what do we do with that information  
GT: um  
GT: i don’t know i didn’t really plan this far ahead  
TG: nice  
TG: i guess that raises the question of whether or not the macking is  
TG: uh  
TG: a thing now  
GT: a thing  
TG: a thing  
GT: i dont know how to feel about  
GT: things  
TG: okay  
GT: god!!!!  
GT: ugh  
GT: now i feel like a jerk  
GT: but the thing is  
GT: its complicated dave i  
GT: well i mean  
GT: okay theres something you should know . . .

==>

TT: You kissed John?  
TT: That’s what you’re trying to tell me.  
GG: no!!! he kissed ME  
GG: it is very different in the semantics rose  
TT: Oh, pardon.  
TT: So you were just minding your own maidenly business.  
TT: Reclining chastely on the banks of a crystalline waterfall while a white unicorn sipped demurely from the stream.  
TT: Then, suddenly, the roguish and dashing John Egbert swoops in to rob the poor young temptress of her oral chastity.  
GG: ew!!!  
GG: never phrase anything like that ever again or i am deleting you from the entire internet >:(  
TT: The ENTIRE internet?  
GG: yes  
GG: even your webkinz  
GG: theyre GONE rose  
TT: God damn, there is a gaping absence of fucking around in this chat.  
GG: there is no trifling in the house of harley today!!!  
TT: At least tell me you see the point of making.  
GG: yes yes of course i do  
GG: why do you have to be exactly the terrible sort of friend who makes smart observations about stuff instead of letting me complain about my feelings  
TT: Because the day I see a feeling strong enough to get in the way of Jade Harley is the day this miserable hell orb begins rotating in the opposite direction.  
GG: :)  
TT: ;)  
TT: So.  
TT: Tell me the full story.  
GG: ok!!!  
GG: so anyway  
GG: you and dave were still asleep because you guys sleep FOREVER!  
GG: and mr egbert was at work because he is a responsible business man who does businessy things  
GG: aaaaaand john was making me breakfast because he is an excellent host if not one who is weirdly intent on feeding people  
TT: Wait, was this the day he made omelettes?  
GG: yes!!! :O  
TT: I knew something was afoot that morning!  
TT: You two were acting like you had been caught with your hands in the proverbial cookie jar.  
TT: By the cookie police.  
TT: How vile of him, to try and seduce your innocent canned-bean eating self with home cooking and fresh chopped vegetables.  
TT: I’m sure the second he started scrambling you were weak in the knees.  
GG: lol!!!  
GG: yes completely it is his scrambling egg abilities that made me fall in LOOOVEEE with him <3 <3 <3 <3  
TT: There are worse reasons.  
GG: but no seriously!!! he cooked for me and then we ate and he made this dumb nerdy joke about us being an old married couple  
GG: and then he took out a newspaper and started making up fake headlines  
GG: it was so dumb!!!  
GG: and then he was like ‘bye honey im leaving for work’ and he kissed me  
GG: i think it was accidentally way more of a real kiss then he meant to do though!!! :p  
GG: and it was cute and we both started laughing a ton.  
TT: . . . Hmm, I see.  
GG: HmmMMMmmmMM?  
TT: Nothing.  
TT: You’re quite fond of John.  
GG: yes!  
TT: That’s fair. He’s got a certain sort of inescapable charm, it’s hard to resist someone who’s so genuine.  
TT: But I have to ask then.  
TT: Why, after all that, kiss me?

==>

TG: ok so you and jade are a thing now  
GT: ugh!  
GT: no!!!!!  
GT: it was just a weird spur of the moment monogamous adult larp kiss.  
TG: thats not a thing that has never been a thing  
TG: thats like  
TG: the mirror image of ddlg  
TG: wait no bad metaphor hold on  
TG: ok i got it  
TG: its the opposite of a schoolgirl fetish  
TG: jades like this sexy 16 year old girl with long pretty hair and a sense of curiosity about benign ass shit bordering on the levels of an autistic extraterrestrial  
TG: and youre getting your rocks off on pretending the two of you are married adults past your prime desperately trying to regain spice in your lives by adding chiles into your omelettes instead of bell peppers  
TG: while you read the newspaper and shes just  
TG: sitting there eating that omelette  
TG: she cries each time she bites into an onion not because of the smell but because of her lost youth  
TG: she looks at you and doesnt even see a man anymore just the hollow reflection of her own misery  
TG: she takes another bite of the omelette  
TG: ‘john’ she says ‘im pregnant again’  
TG: its a lie but shes desperate for any sort of emotion from you fake or not  
TG: everythings been like clockwork since you got promoted at the plant and shes starting to feel like beige wallpaper on the cubicle of your life  
TG: thats nice honey  
TG: is what you say to her  
TG: im glad its just that i was gonna say you should be laying off the omelettes tubbs  
TG: she gets up and locks herself in her room and calls her widowed sister who lives in vermont and cries  
TG: you finish both omelettes  
GT: wow that was both incredibly accurate as something i aspire for sexually and an as a measurement of how much time i spend thinking about omelettes  
GT: youre really good at this dave  
GT: but really though we were just messing around im not even sure it was anything serious?  
GT: i mean i LIKE jade a lot and she is so smart and so cool and  
GT: she was my first EVER friend!!  
GT: itd be hard for me to not think about her in a  
GT: not friendship-y sort of way?  
GT: but then rose is  
GT: ugh no this is dumb im done talking about it!!!  
GT: this is very stupid!  
GT: dave i really dont know what to tell you  
GT: matters of the heart are very complicated  
TG: matters of the heart  
GT: yes that is what i am calling them  
TG: ok  
TG: well  
TG: forgive me (imagine me saying this really sarcastically btw)  
TG: but if you like jade and she likes you  
TG: which im p sure she does trust me im an expert on chicks  
GT: hah.  
TG: wheres the problem  
TG: im looking around and theres nothing but blue skies and teen romance  
TG: wheres the fire lassie  
TG: is timmy stuck in a well  
TG: that is also somehow on fire  
GT: the problem isnt between me and jade the problem is you and rose!  
TG: what  
GT: this is what i was trying to avoid having to talk about.  
GT: i know youre just gonna make fun of me like you always do!  
GT: which i dont really mind you calling me a nerd or a goober or a dork because it is true.  
GT: but these are my PERSONAL PRIVATE FEELINGS.  
TG: if i promise you i wont tease you will you just open your damn mouth and explain things already im getting sick of this waltzing around the point  
GT: you have to double secret pinky swear on it.  
TG: ok  
TG: i double secret pinky swear  
GT: say all of it!  
TG: john egbert i double secret pinky swear to not make fun of you for having dorky feelings  
GT: ok good.  
TG: and like five minutes ago you were giving me shit for not spilling my emotionally turbulent beans either btw so  
TG: quid pro quo  
GT: shoosh i am feelings now.  
GT: i dont know what of the things i feel about people are friendship and what is romance or what is complete other stuff!  
GT: i dont get how everyone seems to MAGICALLY know where to draw that line, dave.  
GT: but for all of the great things that i see in jade that make me want to smooch her right on her stupid face . . .  
GT: i can find equally as many dumb face smooching things in you or rose!  
GT: you guys are my best friends and i think that if i was ever in a situation where i had to pick between you guys even for something as silly as dating.  
GT: i just wouldnt want to!  
GT: its dumb but i cant help but imagine us doing all the stupid dating stuff like drinking milkshakes and going to the movies and cuddling on the couch together, all four of us.  
GT: anything else just seems like settling.  
TG: yeah  
GT: yeah?  
GT: . . . yeah what.  
TG: i mean obviously itd be better if it were all of us  
TG: that would fix everything  
TG: theres no way we could just cleanly pair off and everyone is happy and included and we all still talk to each other all the time  
TG: ive seen enough shitty romantic subplots to know that when two people get together the friends get downgraded to second class citizen of attentiontown usa  
TG: man why cant we just like  
TG: quadruple date it  
GT: why do we even have to put labels on stuff anyway!!!  
GT: what if i like a lot of people and want to kiss and drink milkshakes with ALL of them.  
TG: slow down casanova.  
TG: you’re gonna get someone pregnant if you keep carrying on like that.  
GT: haha!  
GT: i guess maybe i should start off a bit simpler.  
GT: but really all i am trying to say here is . . .  
GT: i like them!  
GT: and i like you!  
GT: and it sort of needs to be all or nothing for me, because any single one of you is just the first chip in a bag of doritos  
TG: and you cant have just one dorite thats madness  
GT: madness!!!!!!!!  
GT: anarchy!!!  
TG: i think thatd be rad  
TG: dating three people at once  
TG: honeys on ya left  
TG: honeys on ya right  
TG: honeys in front of ya  
TG: so much honey in every direction youll think youve got your head jammed up a beehives ass  
TG: but i mean  
TG: what are the chances jade and rose wouldnt be super weirded out by that

==>

GG: i kissed you because . . . i like you too!!  
GG: i like ALL of you guys i think :(  
GG: which is perhaps too much like but i will just have to cope  
GG: you and dave and john are all super great so how am i supposed to pick one of my friends that i like more than the other ones!!  
TT: I’m not so sure that being romantically attracted to someone is liking them ‘more’, per se.  
TT: I think it’s just. A different kind of feeling.  
TT: Still, though. I understand.  
TT: It’s difficult and discombobulating, all of these matters of interpersonal relations.  
TT: I just wish there was a way we could remove all of the pretense of having to make some sort of concrete decision.  
TT: There’s always so much emphasis on the labeling of identities of people and the relationship between them that to stray or deviate feels like such a monumental decision, or even a betrayal of sorts.  
TT: Quite frankly, that’s a load of bullshit!  
GG: yes!!  
GG: why do relationships either have to be like . . . just friends or dating  
GG: or friends with benefits  
GG: where is the room for overlap and experimentation and just being freeeeeeee!!!  
TT: Don’t forget saving room for Jesus.  
GG: id never  
GG: jesus died for our sins he can join our free love shenanigans as much as he wants  
TT: So giving, so generous.  
GG: thats me!!  
GG: but you get what i mean dont you?  
GG: i think itd be nice if there was a way for all of us to just  
GG: be with each other in whatever way we wanted to be  
GG: and not have to worry about excluding people or hurting feelings  
TT: I completely agree.  
TT: The problem would be getting John and Dave on board, I think.  
TT: You know how those two react when you try to bring up in depth conversations about feelings.  
GG: last time i tried to have a heart to heart with john he showed me a video of a frog that was covered in sand and squeaking  
TT: That sounds like a good video.  
GG: it was but that is not the point!!!  
GG: (( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBkWhkAZ9ds ))  
GG: and dave can be just as frustrating . . .  
GG: hes great but its so hard to get him to stop being an idiot for two seconds when you need him to!  
TT: I think he just actually may very well be a genuine idiot. There’s nothing to do, in that case.  
GG: lol!  
TT: I kissed him.  
GG: O: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
GG: O: O: O: O: O: O: O: O: O: O: O:  
GG: and you were giving me a hard time about my 2x smooch combob!  
GG: meanwhile you have exactly as many friendkisses in your witchy cauldron of secrets  
TT: Yes, I admit it.  
TT: I am a witch.  
GG: :p rose we already knew that  
GG: time to spill the beans about dave!  
TT: There’s hardly anything to the story.  
TT: We were alone. You and John were off trying to see if you could make one giant gummy worm by melting tinier gummy worms together with a soldering iron.  
GG: it worked though  
TT: Yes, quite elegantly. It’s a shame George Wormington Dirtlicker had to be cruelly consumed before he could serve his term as president.  
GG: all of the worms wept that day . . . he was such a well spoken politician  
TT: At least the funeral service was nice.  
GG: it was beautiful. . . i think john teared up a bit  
TT: There was scarcely a dry eye in the house.  
TT: Anyway. Back to Dave.  
TT: You were off with George Wormington and Dave and I were installing that extension onto John’s browser that turns of every picture on every website into Nicholas Cage.  
GG: that sounds like a good extension  
TT: It was but, once again, not the point.  
TT: (https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/cageify/ppoobnoipkllpmpnnldhpghefjhiinoh?hl=en)  
GG: (lol)  
TT: He started yammering off on the subject of everything he thought was wrong in Hollywood . . . it was completely ridiculous.  
TT: He assumed some very personal, private things about Mr. Cage to base his points off of but other than that his arguments bore a soundness and validity one wouldn’t expect from the creator of such catchphrases like ‘its tuesday you fat nasty trash’.  
TT: And I kissed him.  
GG: omg  
GG: but why!!  
TT: I don’t know. I guess I have a weak spot for complete nerds.  
TT: ;) <3  
GG: i guess i must too then!!! >:)  
GG: <3  
TT: You wound me.  
GG: thats a very nerdy thing to say, rose  
TT: Damn it. Point Harley.  
GG: hahaha yay! i think im winning!  
TT: I’ll gladly concede this victory in the game of owning each other to you.  
TT: You’ve earned it.  
GG: :)  
GG: :(  
TT: :( ?  
GG: i already miss you so much rose!  
GG: sometimes i feel like we never should have met up its like  
GG: eating the first dorito from the bag and then someone tells you you cant have any more and locks the bag in a cage where you can see the doritos and smell the doritos but not eat them  
TT: You can’t have just one Dorito. It’s impossible.  
GG: i know!!  
GG: and the dorito . . . is YOU  
TT: I feel similarly towards the whole situation.  
TT: Although I’m sure my sympathy feels a bit weak given our contrasting situations.  
TT: Jade, you do know you don’t have to stay on the island, right?  
TT: No one will think any lesser of you if you decide to prioritize your own childhood over your late Grandfather’s estate.  
GG: im not worried about what people will think of me  
GG: i am doing this because i want to run skaianet for my grandpa!  
GG: the laboratory is here itd be impossible to move everything to a new facility  
GG: especially considering how much of it runs on geothermal energy from the volcano  
GG: i am just going to power through and we will just have to wait until we all have another break to hang out again  
GG: who knows maybe i could fly you out to the island this time!  
GG: we can climb trees and go on hikes and swim in the sea  
TT: I’d like that.  
GG: plus if i leave the island then i have to stop working on the portal!  
TT: The portal?  
GG: ;)  
TT: That’s intimidatingly intriguing. Now you have to tell me.  
GG: no i cant its a secret  
TT: You don’t just get to bring up a mysterious portal and not elaborate on it.  
GG: hehe!  
GG: i just did soooo  
GG: looks like youre out of luck  
GG: point harley?  
TT: No I’m not awarding you a point for your flagrant disregard of bff secret keeping abilities.  
GG: im not doubting your ability to keep it secret its supposed to be a SURPRISE!  
TT: A surprise.  
TT: Does it lead to the alphaverse?  
GG: maaaaaybe ;)  
GG: but also maybe not  
GG: we will seee  
TT: Are you really capable of constructing something like that?  
GG: so far . . . sort of?  
TT: That’s incredible.  
GG: aww omg ty  
GG: oop something just made a loud crashing noise in my basement  
GG: i should probably go check that out 

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] ==

==>

\-- timeaeusTestified [TT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] \--

TT: Hello, Jane.  
GG: Hi Dirk!  
GG: It’s certainly been longer than usual since we’ve spoken,  
GG: What’s up?  
TT: Yeah it’s been hells of a long time, yo.  
TT: Shit to do. Places to be. Things to take care of.  
TT: You know how it is J-Crockz I’m a busy guy.  
GG: Pfft! I’ll believe you’ve been getting out of your house to do things when I see some empirical evidence.  
GG: Didn’t that bus driver end up calling the cops on you last time you tried to go on a little excursion?  
TT: Yes but soon incompetent bus drivers who don’t understand laws about what weapons are and are not permissible on public transport will be an issue of the past.  
GG: Gasp!  
GG: Could it be?  
GG: Is Dirk ‘I don’t actually have a middle name’ Strider finally crossing the threshold into true teendom?  
TT: The rumors are true. Stop the presses, we’ve got ourselves the headline of the century.  
TT: Dirk ‘I wasn’t lying about not having a middle name’ Strider is getting his driver’s license.  
GG: Congrats!  
GG: How goes the permit practice?  
TT: It’s actually pretty damn boring, infinitely less free flung banana peels and wayward turtles than I was initially lead to believe by the media.  
TT: When will liberal news outlets stop promoting such hazardous falsehoods about road safety?  
GG: Never!  
GG: At least, not until I can afford to buy them out. Hoo hoo!  
TT: I thought we agreed you’d stop your tampering at the post office.  
GG: We agreed I’d stop trying to improve upon FEDERAL systems after the whole post office debacle.  
GG: Media is fair game!  
TT: https://ecoleft.files.wordpress.com/2012/06/media.jpg  
GG: It’s me -_-.  
TT: It’s just ‘it me’  
TT: Jane you’re not honestly trying to improve the grammar of a meme.  
GG: Memes, like all forms of communication, adapt to their method of usage!  
GG: Give me one good reason memes can’t be edited for grammatical coherence.  
TT: Because no one cares but you.  
GG: Hmmph!  
GG: Well, I staunchly believe it wouldn’t hurt to have some higher tier memes.  
GG: You of all people should appreciate humor that aims to have a little more meat to it than a non-sequitur and a bastardization of the English language.  
TT: What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch?  
GG: What!?!  
GG: Dirk!  
TT: I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills.  
GG: Oh.  
GG: This again.  
TT: I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker.  
GG: Just post the rest of it in one chunk Dirk, I’m not going to take time out of my day to get memed on when I’m just trying to have a conversation.  
TT: Fine.  
TT: As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.  
GG: Satisfied with yourself yet?  
TT: Pretty much never, but I digress.  
GG: I’m so jealous you have your permit already!  
GG: I’m going to get mine as soon as I can, but my driver’s ed course doesn’t even end for another few months.  
GG: I can’t believe Dad isn’t letting me do it online like you.  
GG: Phooey! It must be grand knowing you’re so close to freedom.  
TT: Sweet, sweet freedom.  
TT: The joys of being 16, having a driver’s license, and not even being allowed to do anything fun with it.  
GG: There’s always something fun you can do with a car!  
GG: You could go see a movie . . .  
GG: You could go buy a bunch of new parts for your fancy robots!  
GG: You could roadtrip up to either coast and come hang with me or Roxy, even.  
GG: Assuming your brother would allow it of course.  
TT: He’d allow it, he doesn’t really give a shit what I do as long as it ain’t super illegal or interfering with his business calls.  
TT: He leaves me alone when he needs to fly out to California for the week too, you know.  
GG: Yes, you’ve mentioned that before!  
GG: It must be odd spending so much time on your own.  
GG: My dad can be a real wet blanket and a worrywart but I do think I’d be sad if he was gone for weeks at a time to work.  
GG: I’d miss him.  
TT: I’m used to it.  
GG: What, if I may ask, qualifies as super illegal versus plain old illegal?  
TT: Plain, pedestrian illegal is stuff like torrenting movie files or browsing nipple vore on furaffinity.  
TT: Super illegal is like robbing a bank or shooting up a school.  
GG: What on EARTH is nipp  
GG: Nevermind. I’m not finishing that sentence because you’re going to legitimately answer me and I am NOT inclined to receive that level of emotional scarring today.  
TT: I don’t even think the majority of vore could even be called pornography, to be honest.  
TT: Most of it doesn’t involve any nudity or genitalia.  
GG: Then how in god’s name is whatever vore is making people randy?  
TT: Well, evidently some people gain sexual pleasure from the concept of swallowing or being swallowed by a person for whom they experience a modicum of attraction.  
GG: Nope, you’re attempting to play a rude prank on me.  
GG: There’s no way that’s an actual . . . thing. That people on the internet enjoy.  
TT: I swear on the sanctity of ironically over the top dudebro culture that it’s real.  
TT: However, there’s no way to go about confirming or denying it without googling some unsavory things so you’ll have to take my word for it.  
GG: Bah!  
GG: You make everything so difficult. I’ll go ask Roxy to do it for me.  
TT: And how do you know she won’t lie about it?  
GG: Because she isn’t nearly as intentionally unreliable as you are :B !!  
TT: That’s sound. Get back to me.  
GG: About vore?  
TT: About anything. We’re friends, aren’t we?  
GG: Ok!

\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--

==>

TG: omfg  
GT: What is it?  
TG: jane just pestered me 2 ask wat vore is  
GT: Well! What did you tell her?  
TG: i told hers its when a mommy and daddy love each other v much  
TG: and the mommy is a giant muscley woman with baloonlike tits  
TG: who swallows the daddy whole so he can live in her stomach  
GT: Good *LORD* lalonde why would you tell her that!  
TG: WELL ITS THA TRUTH  
GT: IS IT?  
TG: YEAH . . OGMF  
TG: I CAN T BELIEVE DSTRI AND I HAD 2 B THE ONES TO BREAK THIS 2 U 2  
GT: Well if that doesnt have a lad whistling sweet dixie out the piehole then i cant fathom what would.  
TG: idk wat that means but im gonne agree wit u anyway  
GT: I assure you im not singing any praises towards this particular lascivious pursuit.  
TG: lmaoooooo  
TG: y r they talking about vore anyway…. wtf… .. .. ..  
GT: In their defence we *were* just talking harlequin babies so im not sure whats worse here?  
TG: o god pls dont mention the babies again… pls dont ho ly shitbr /> TG: i cant stop picturing them  
TG: i v enever seen anything more horrible on the internet in my WHOLE LIFE jake and that is saying something yo  
TG: my skin feel too tite for my body just thinking about it aaaaaaaaa  
GT: Im not sure if im ever going to emotionally recover from this one to be honest.  
GT: Now ive seen my fair share of bumps and bruises and any sort of anomalous anatomy a discombobulated genome or two could whip up in a jiffy.  
GT: But its something about the eyes that gets me with the little harlequin lads and lasses.  
GT: They look like christforsaken demons!!  
GT: I may not be a many of any such ecclesiastical persuasion but if i had to bear personal witness to such a thing youd find me on my knees in front of the big man himself waiting for whatever he cares to give to me.  
TG: lmao . . .  
TG: u ever end up on like those  
TG: 4chan or reddit threads were its like just  
TG: a TON of gore??  
TG: n like  
TG: snuff shit  
TG: its cray cray . . .  
GT: . . . . I’ve stumbled upon the occasional thread yes.  
TG:   
GT: Wait how are you getting emojis in pesterchum?  
TG: secret ;O  
GT: O:  
TG: its crazy what kinda hurts n shit can happen to a person and then can still be alive u kno?  
TG: like boens sticking thru the skin and broken skulls and punctures lungs  
TG: ab so freakin lutely wild  
GT: Yes human beings are quite incredible really!  
GT: Did you know our prehistoric ancestors used to hunt mammoths merely by stalking after the beasts until the damn things keeled over with exhaustion?  
GT: Remarkable. Absolutely remarkable.  
GT: Biologically when compared to other animals were practically unkillable.  
TG: do u ever think about dyin  
GT: A usual amount i suppose . . .  
GT: Why do you ask?  
TG: idk its just weird liek  
TG: if humans r so crazy sturdy then y does some shit feel like SUCH a huge fukcing issue  
TG: like the littles bit of an inconvenicne will happen n people will be all like  
TG: life suxxxx i wanna die  
GT: Do you want to die roxy?  
TG: i mean  
TG: not really i guess  
TG: but sometimes it seems like the easier optioon dont it?  
TG: lMAO  
TG: wbu . . .  
GT: Haha! Well.  
GT: Once again i can only answer ‘a usual amount i suppose’.  
GT: Im sure everybody entertains morose flights of fancy in blue moon.  
GT: It cant be that far left of human nature to ponder ones own morality.  
TG: i dont think normally ppl wanna die i think its mostly  
TG: ppl like us  
GT: What do you mean?  
GT: People like us?  
GT: As fond as we are of each other we have barely a mouses share of similarities.  
TG: ppl who have all of their friends on the internet  
TG: ppl who get way too into movies and books and videogames  
TG: ppl whove got issues liek sleeping too much or too little and who have maybe one and a half parents between em  
TG: like me n u n janey and dirk  
TG: and the betaverse kids  
TG: i think people like us are just meant to have a harder time of things  
GT: Thats a bit dark roxy!  
GT: But now that im giving it some consideration it does seem to have more than a grain of truth to it.  
GT: I guess we have had a tougher go of it than your average youth.  
GT: Still though its rather presumptuous to imply that these sort of thoughts are abnormal you cant really know what goes on in anyones head but your own.  
TG: ya tru but  
TG: idk!!!!! idk i just worry about u guys :C  
GT: And we worry about you too of course!  
TG: ive been spending a lot a time w the counselors here n i think that  
TG: as a group  
TG: we have got approx 12 lbs of crazy between us  
TG: n considering crazy is an abstract concept with no weight  
TG: thats a lot o the stuff  
GT: . . . Has it helped you?  
GT: Talking to professionals i mean?  
TG: yeah!!!  
TG: i mean  
TG: god u kno i dont really like tlaking about my shit here but  
TG: its kinda nic e 2 kno that ppl r payed serious $$ 2 make sure i feel ok lmao  
GT: Im really glad you have this opportunity roxy.  
GT: I just wish we had been a bit more proactive about this is all.  
TG: hahahw ell sorry lmao idk wat to tell u i wasnt xactly in any state 2 be proactiv about my bullshit n e earlier!!!  
GT: Oh dear no no no that isnt at all what i meant!  
GT: By me i meant jane dirk and i.  
GT: I feel a bit foolish i never really realize an issue is present until its already reached critical mass of terrible.  
GT: I wouldnt know a bad situation until it punched me in the face!  
TG: its not ur fualt im a mess jakers  
TG: dont u worry ur pretty lil head about it!!  
GT: Ill try not to.  
GT: I just…  
GT: Jesus h christ im shit at dealing with situations of any severity.  
GT: I dont think things are going well with jane.  
TG: :c o man!!!!  
TG: that sux . . . whats the haps  
GT: well its kind of a stupid set of events . . . .

==>

GG: Okay, Roxy confirms it’s exactly what you said it was.  
GG: And she mentioned something about . . . clown babies, I think?  
GG: It was bizarre. And not something I’m going to google.  
TT: I think you’ve had enough to internetsperiences for one day.  
GG: Agreed.  
GG: But I’m worried about Roxy.  
TT: Why? For the clown babies?  
GG: No  
GG: Well.  
GG: Yes, a little bit, she seemed very distraught by them.  
GG: In a broader sense though I’m feeling very soured by this whole hospital hullabaloo.  
TT: I don’t think you should be worrying about that.  
TT: They’re professionals, Jane.  
TT: I know that Roxy’s mom isn’t the most maternal woman in the world but she cares enough to at least have Roxy shipped off to somewhere where they’re not going to One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest her.  
GG: No, not that either!  
GG: I can’t believe I didn’t pick up on the fact earlier that it was a serious problem . . .  
GG: I’ve known you and Roxy and Jake for. Well. Forever, at this point.  
GG: And yet I still just assumed she was exaggerating her alcoholism for . . . well . . . I don’t know!  
GG: Attention?  
GG: It just seemed like. Silly. Kid stuff.  
GG: Nothing so serious as to require any sort of intervening.  
TT: But Roxy’s being taken care of. Why are you wasting your worry on this now of all times.  
GG: I don’t know! Half guilt, half retroactive caring?  
GG: If I had any inkling that this was a real issue I’m sure I would have tried to at least talk to her about it.  
GG: Instead of just, well.  
GG: Making jokes and going along with it.  
GG: You can’t say you don’t feel the teensiest bit neglectful for letting this slip under your nose, can you?  
TT: I’m not Roxy’s babysitter contrary to popular belief.  
TT: This is her problem. I can’t say I don’t sympathize but I in no way have the capacity to try and solve her shit for her.  
TT: I’ve got my own life to manage, and I know she’ll get hers together eventually.  
GG: Well when you phrase it like that, I see where you’re coming from.  
GG: No one can be expected to take on their friends burdens, but still.  
GG: I’d like to think if someday, there was something wrong in my life, and I needed help, she’d be there for me.  
TT: She really would, wouldn’t she.  
GG: Maybe she hasn’t always been there 100%, in terms of mental capacity but she’s always tried.  
GG: That’s more than either of us have ever managed.  
TT: . . . Damn, it really is, isn’t it.  
TT: Well. It’s too late to do anything about it now, what do we do?  
GG: I don’t know. Maybe we just try to . . . be a bit gentler to other people?  
GG: Let’s face it, Dirk. At the end of the day you can be selfcentered and cruel, and I can be snooty and neglectful.  
GG: And it’s all because we think we know better than people.  
GG: Maybe we should both just try to lighten up a bit more! Hoo hoo!  
TT: Probably.  
TT: That’s what John keeps telling me, at least.  
GG: Haha! He’s such a card. I’m glad I’ve gotten the chance to talk to him more.  
GG: All of them, actually.  
GG: They’re good people.  
TT: Yeah, they really are.  
TT: It’s disgusting.  
GG: Oh cmon you freckly bag of bones, I know you really don’t mean that.  
GG: I don’t think we’re bad people, the four of us . . .  
GG: I think we just have some problems.  
TT: Yeah, but that’s a fine line to draw.

==>

GT: Well its just.  
GT: She always seems to be mad at me for one thing or another.  
GT: God forbid a towel spends more than a measly few seconds on the floor between being used and being cleaned.  
GT: Dont *EVER* change the location of any of her possessions for any reason..  
GT: And if you value your life you wont even make a single solitary peep once shes gone to bed. Shell have your head for that one.  
GT: Im not sure if its just her reaction to me or just a result of having to interact with someone in person….  
GT: I still dont have much experience with that other than these past few months with the crocker family..  
GT: And make no mistake theyre absolutely lovely people but im always just a little bit on edge here im not well adjusted to rules.  
GT: Am i being terrible for maybe wanting to go home?  
TG: hmm . . .. . . ..  
TG: nah.  
TG: i think.  
TG: youore just the kind of guy who likes his privacy  
TG: like me  
TG: or dstri  
TG: u kno wat i said about people like us?  
GT: About how were more likely to be sad.  
TG: ye.  
TG: i also think that kinda thing maybe  
TG: comes with a little bit of not knowing whether what you need best is to be alone or have someone watchin ur back  
GT: The thing is i really want to enjoy living here!  
GT: But everything about it is so overwhelming from having to spend my whole day remembering all of the rules to being a polite house guest to simply leaving the front yard and having to deal with all of the cars and people.  
GT: Its too much and it exhausts me just trying to talk to other people without mucking it up irreparably.  
TG: thats like . . . a p normal thing to some dergree.  
TG: idk what the biggest prboelm is if u wanna go home go home  
GT: I dont want to disappoint anyone though  
GT: But also i dont think jane likes me living here either!  
GT: Knowing me though i could be vastly misinterpreting her i dont have the best track record of picking up on nuanced feelings.  
TG: so ur saying that no one is happy with current arrangements but 4 some reason u shouldnt change the sitch?  
GT: Im not *unhappy* moreso just tired.  
GT: And i dont know about jane.  
GT: All i know is that being around people and sharing spaces is incredibly confusing i dont know how anyone does it!.  
TG: i guess its like  
TG: the ole frgo in the boiling pot thing  
TG: u kno hw if you drop a frog in a pot of boiling water itll jump out  
TG: but if you put a frog in cool water and slowly heat it up itll let itself be boiled alive bc even as shits getting realer its happening with enough time to adjust  
TG: so i guess its rly up to u wat to do here!!!!!  
TG: i dont think anyone is gonna think ur a bad person for wanting your space but u gotta decide whether u want to try adjusting  
TG: or whether u think that goin home is the better option  
TG: u dont just get to do nothing n complain  
GT: Aww shucks that was the easiest available option.  
TG: lol!!!!  
TG: for reals tho jake  
TG: sometimes u just gotta do u even if doin u aint whats best for other ppl  
TG: it doesnt make you a bad person to take care of yourself  
GT: Thank you roxy.


End file.
